My Husband's Ex Is Running His Life.

His ex seems to be taking this as an opportunity for one-upmanship. Despite my desire to be honorable and gracious, I have found myself playing the game by their rules, behaving in ways that erode my self respect and leave me competing with this woman. I am acting competitive-- trying to protect my place in the family and exclude her. These people are playing some very unkind games with our lives, and it has affected relationships with the ex and the step-kids as well as others. Can you suggest anything that we can do to remove ourselves from the spectrum of pettiness, jealousy, insecurity and competitiveness?             

P.W.
 

Dear P.W.: 

This sounds like a terribly difficult situation. You’re getting a double-blow—one from his ex-wife and another from his family. Believe it or not, this is not uncommon. Ex-wives are often jealous of and compete with their ex-husbands’ new wives. And a divorced dad’s family often favors his first wife, especially when she’s the mother of his children.

I think that you answer your own question. You ask how you can remove yourself from this pettiness and jealousy. Why don’t you do just that? Don’t take part in it. 

First, don’t stoop to “Mean Girl” games. Choose not to compete. Don’t respond when she competes with you. In addition, if his ex bad-mouths you, don’t play the game. Don’t bad-mouth her back. Try to be civil — even when it’s difficult. Don’t obsess on his ex-wife. Many stepmoms do this. When you start obsessing about her, you’re giving her control. Take control of what you’re feeling and thinking. 

For the sake of the kids, you might try reaching out to your husband’s ex. Try forming a parenting partnership with her. You might even ask her advice about the kids. That can often break the ice and open the door for a better relationship.

As for your husband’s family, I suggest you try to distance yourself. Let your husband deal with them. When you have to be with them, be civil. Don’t get wrapped up in their games. Remind yourself that it’s not personal: Many second wives get this treatment.             
        
Good luck.
         
Lisa           


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Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets.