Is Cheating the Norm?

    A new study suggests between 40 to 70 percent of partners cheat on their spouses, making infidelity the new norm in a relationship. “It’s very high,” according to University of Montreal researcher Genevieve Beaulieu-Pelletier.

According to information collected from about 500 people, those with avoidant-attachment styles, who had inadequate parenting as children, were more likely to have affairs because they're afraid of intimacy. Often, they committed adultery to distance themselves from their partner and to convince themselves they had the freedom to do as they wanted, even if they were in a relationship.

“These numbers indicate that even if we get married with the best of intentions things don’t always turn out the way we plan. What interests me about infidelity is why people are willing to conduct themselves in ways that could be very damaging to them and to their relationship.”

The results don't surprise Divorce360.com expert Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a  psychotherapist and author of a number of books, including “The Commuter Marriage.” “Contrary to what we'd like to believe, I think there's always been more infidelity than faithfulness,” Tessina said. ”America has a huge prostitution industry, for one thing, that few people ever talk about. Who's keeping it going? Add to that the one-night stands when people are on business trips, affairs at the office, and all the other sexual encounters married people can have. It is not a new phenomenon. It has been going on for all of history.”

“Even when sexual infidelity is punishable by death, it still happens,” Tessina said. “The sex drive is powerful, and if you add a little alcohol to reduce inhibitions, it becomes even more irresistible.  The illicit nature of an affair adds to the excitement. Staying faithful is not easy, and requires the kind of marital connection that makes your partner more attractive and easier to be intimate with than the attractive stranger. “    

Contrary to what most people think, the number of male commitment-phobic cheaters isn't any worse than women, the study shows. "...Infidelity isn’t more prevalent in men,” Beaulieu-Pelletier said.

The study results are debatable, according to Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W., marriage therapist and best-selling author of "The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7 Step Plan for Saving Your Marriage." She thinks the statistics about infidelity are "overstated." "Besides, who came up with that definition of cheating ‘implies some sort of deviation form the norm — staying faithful’? Cheating has nothing to do with a deviation from the norm. It is about betraying vows. And as someone who works with people whose lives have been turned upside down by cheating, I can tell you with great certainty, infidelity has become acceptable only to cheaters and people naive enough to assume that their marriages are immune to it.”

Divorce360.com expert Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D., co-founder of hermentercenter.com, an organization that helps divorced women, also had questions about the study. “I would want to know more about the parameters of the study and see some replication data, before commenting on the results that the doctoral student reported,” she said, adding that: “It is well known that avoidant attachment styles are associated with intimacy issues. The stage is set when a child, who is genetically predisposed, is raised by a parent who is narcissistic, depressed or emotionally unavailable. This, coupled with the role model that divorced parents provide, creates the perfect storm for these kind of statistics.”       

Regardless of the statistics, Brenda Della Casa, author of the relationship book, “Cinderella was a Liar,” said people need to focus on the bigger picture. “Selfishness and cheating may be the norm but it doesn't make it right,” she said.

“Let's think about this for a moment: divorce is common, being single at a later age doesn't earn you a Scarlet Letter and  many women are earning a good living-even out earning-their male counterparts... People can stay single and sleep with whomever they'd like and have their fun, but they are choosing instead to be obligated to another person and lie and humiliate them?”

Why is that? According to Della Casa: "We live in a ‘me-focused’ society where many people view themselves as their own personal brand and as the center of their own universe,” Della Casa said.

“A selfish and self-serving individual is going to do what they want to do when they want to do it, and it doesn't matter how anyone else feels about it,” she said. “Cheating is an almost inevitable consequence of narcissism, because a narcissist believes they should have what they want, when they want it. They also tend to want to prove the rules do not apply to them so if society or a partner is telling them they cannot have sex outside of the relationship, they could very well take an, ‘I'll show you’ approach.” 

Her answer to the cultural problem is simple. “Instead of glorifying the mystery and independence an affair offers, we should be highlighting the stories of the cheaters who were caught and how many of them wish they could go back in time and change it,” she said.