Book Review: Happily Divorced

    Cynthia Tiano was once considered a "killer" as a divorce attorney. She was respected by fellow attorneys and feared by their clients, who worried what they'd lose when they faced her in divorce court. It wasn't until her own divorce that she began to wonder about her tactics.

"I was well aware of the pitfalls and landmines of divorce litigation. I understood the lasting impact that battling someone you once loved and trusted, someone who once was your best friend, had on a person for years to come," she said.

After 26 years as a trial divorce attorney, she had seen first-hand what happened to the children, whose parents ended up in court. "...Their world crumbled around them and neither mom nor dad, caught up in the divorce war, could provide a safe emotional place for them," she said. 

Determined not to let this happen to her own family, she resolved her divorce amicably. "My own divorce experience changed who I was as a person and as a lawyer. I could no longer ignore the voice inside of me reminding me that these were families with their children and their lives’ savings at stake," she said.

So she closed the doors of her law practice 12 years ago, becoming a Supreme Court-certified family mediator for couples seeking to uncouple. "I decided that I would no longer be a part of the problem, but would become a part of the solution," she said,

Inspired to reach out and help as many divorcing couples as possible, she collaborated with Dr. Max Vogt, a bestselling author and renowned marriage and family psychologist. The two created our book and audio series, “Happily Divorced! Secrets of the Win-Win Formula”. This program gives divorcing couples a step-by-step plan to divorce without fighting and without huge legal bills. It also provides tools and resources to resolve divorce peacefully, "even if (couples) believe their situation is hopeless," Tiano said.     

The book, six audios and a digital download costs $49.95. You can find out more about it by going to http://www.happilydivorced.org.


Divorce360.com: How can you get divorced without making your spouse your enemy? 
A: You need to first make the decision to avoid a divorce war. Your actions dictate which way your divorce is going to go. If you treat your spouse unfairly, refuse to negotiate, and fail to control your emotions, you will see your spouse turn spiteful and nasty and a war will ensue. If your spouse is the one who is acting cruel and unfair during the divorce, you can still take back control by taking the high road, controlling your emotions, and not becoming vicious and nasty in return. That only escalates the war and can turn your spouse into your worst enemy.

The key is to get off judgment and be quick to forgive, both your spouse and yourself. This is a necessary ingredient, especially if you have children together and will need to co-parent with your ex.  Your forgiveness will have an immediate and direct positive impact on your relationship with your spouse or ex-spouse, your emotional and physical health, your future relationships and your children’s well-being. And, do NOT hire a “killer” divorce attorney!   

Divorce360.com: Your book has awareness steps? What is their purpose? 
A: The awareness steps are amazingly powerful yet extremely simple actions of "mental ju-jitsu" that can change your consciousness in the direction of being "Happily Divorced,” sometimes in a matter of only minutes and will keep you on that path if you do them as described. They are that powerful. When we feel stressed and overwhelmed -- which is the state many people find themselves in during the process of a divorce -- it is very easy to get distracted and influenced by all kinds of things going on in the world around you... and lose your focus on the things that are most important in your life. The purpose of the awareness steps is to keep you focused and help you to gain control of your emotions and actions during your divorce so that you can continue on the path to creating a positive, win-win divorce experience.     

Divorce360.com: What things do you want readers to take away from the book?  
A: There are three things they should take away.

1. Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want, and don’t give up.      
It is possible to resolve your divorce amicably and peacefully. Many people do not believe this and say “but you don’t know my ex!” or “it’s not possible to have a peaceful divorce in my situation.” Take a look at what you are you focusing on.  Is it what is right with your spouse or ex, or what is wrong? Are you making a concerted effort to remember the qualities you respected and admired when you married this person and perhaps had children with them? Remember, what you focus on expands.  Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. 

Going through divorce is like driving a car. Are you looking through the windshield, toward where you are going, or through the rear view mirror, stuck in the past? Be proactive in creating the vision of what you want it all to look like and consistently hold that vision. What vision are you holding? Is it of a peaceful divorce? Is it of a respectful, effective co-parenting relationship with your spouse or ex? Is it of healthy, happy children and meaningful future relationships for you? 

Don’t give up!  Hold the vision of what you want, not what you don’t want! You will move in the direction you are looking, and before you know it, you will have created a peaceful divorce and the pathway to being happily divorced.  

2. Take the “high road” in your divorce. 
You can take the “high road” in your divorce. This means, first and foremost, educating yourself about the process and the options available for you to create a peaceful result.  It also means clearly communicating this desire to your lawyer and to your spouse to minimize the trauma to you and your family. It may feel scary at first to take control of your life and stand up for what you believe in, but it will empower you, and the payoff for you and your family will be well worth it in the long run. Choosing the "high road” means choosing the path that keeps you in your integrity and ultimately promises to provide you with what really means the most to you. This is the road that does not require you to compromise your highest values and provides very deep and satisfying long-term rewards. 

3. Avoid a divorce battle, no matter what.  
A nasty divorce can cause deep emotional wounds to you, your spouse, and, most importantly, your children. The effects of a divorce battle can last for years after the ink has dried on your divorce papers. Very few divorcing couples understand the impact of hostile divorce litigation and what damage it will inflict on their lives.  

Think about the future. Can you imagine what it will be like at your children’s important life events, like graduations, birthday parties and weddings, if you cannot resolve your issues with your ex? Do you understand the painful position you will put your child in having to choose between parents or plan seating arrangements on their special day so that their parents do not have to look at one another?  

Even if you don’t have children together, anger and resentment will definitely have a negative impact on your future relationships, especially romantic ones. Who wants to be with someone who is bitter and holding onto the past?  If you don’t find a way to make peace with yourself and your ex, you’ll drag that baggage with you into the future. That is the cold, hard reality of a divorce battle -- it never ends.