Carrying a Torch for Your Ex?

    Your ex-spouse is long gone – but from the way you go on about the relationship, no one would know it. You still sleep on only one side of the bed. You’ve yet to purge your closets of all those little things your ex left behind. You refuse to let your friends set you up. Face it: whether you’re willing to admit it or not, you’re in denial.  

It’s time to ask yourself: Why are you still carrying a torch for someone who no longer wants to share your life with you?  

In his book "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person," psychotherapist Howard Halpern says such denial is very common, particularly when you’re still experiencing the shock and awe of your divorce. “Many basically rational and practical people find that they are unable to leave a relationship even though they can see it is bad for them. Their best judgments and their self-respect tells them to end it, but often, to their dismay, they hang on, as if the relationship was a prison, and they were locked in. Friends and psychotherapists may have pointed out to them that in reality their “prison door” is wide open and that all they need to do is step outside. And yet as desperately unhappy as they are, they hold back.”  

The reason for this, says Halpern, is fear: of failure, of loneliness, of the unknown. “All of these people really believe it would be better for them to leave the relationship, but when it comes to doing so they are paralyzed. In order to remain in the relationship, knowing it is against their own best interest, they frequently try to trick themselves by distorting the situation. They rationalize, using ‘good’ reasons to conceal possibly unconscious reasons.”  

Rhonda Findling agrees. In her book, "Don’t Call That Man! A Survival Guide to Letting Go," the psychotherapist explains that “Wanting to compulsively call your ex or cling to him when you know the relationship is over can serve to mask or anesthetize your feelings of loneliness, hurt, and pain… Desperately clinging can lead to a vicious cycle. The more he distances himself, the more you cling. He distances further, you cling more desperately.”  

Even with this insight and knowledge, says Findling, the urge to cling can be irresistible. “You know with your rational mind that your behavior isn’t appropriate, but you are driven by a compulsion you feel you can’t control. You feel actual discomfort when you don’t carry out the compulsive act.”  

In order to fully extinguish any torch you may still be carrying, social psychologist Bella DePaulo, author of the book "Singled Out," feels it is important to put the experience of the marriage in perspective. “Marriage does not transform you from a miserable single person, to part of a happy couple. It’s not a fairy dust that will transform your life from sad to happy. Many divorced people look back on their feelings when they were approaching their wedding day, and now realize that the ‘honeymoon effect’ they were anticipating never really kicked in, or did so for too short a period of time. In fact, some studies show they were even less happy.”  

So, what is the first step to moving on? Findling suggests forgiveness. But before you can forgive your spouse, you must forgive yourself. “Give yourself permission to experience the tension and your feelings. Tolerate them until they pass — and they will pass. Feelings are just temporary. That’s the trick -- to feel your feelings, and to not act them out. It will take a great deal of self-discipline and work. It’s easier to feel something, give in to your feelings, and act out. Holding in your feelings, experiencing the feelings and not acting them out is known as containing your feelings.”  

With the release of these pent-up emotions comes the urge to reach out again, warns Findling. “You’ll probably want relief from the tension because you’ll actually be uncomfortable. This discomfort will drive you to want to call him, because what you want is immediate gratification from the release of tension. Remember, however, the anguish and pain you may have to go through if he rejects you, or if you don’t get the response you yearn for.”