Her Mentor Center: 7 Tips for Bad Economy

    Is the global financial meltdown a factor as you consider the possibility of divorce? With the economy in a downward spiral, experts disagree about whether this will lead to an increase or decrease in divorce rates.

Some divorce attorneys report that filings rise as the economy declines due to the added tensions caused by financial problems. Others believe that partners remain in troubled marriages precisely for economic reasons. The expense of the divorce and the cost of maintaining two households can seem daunting. With home prices down, you may be reluctant to separate, afraid that selling a major asset will leave you in worse shape. The need to purchase new health insurance after a divorce may also be a stumbling block, causing you to rethink your plans.

Meeting with a professional therapist or counselor can help you sort through conflicting feelings about the future of your marriage. If you are still weighing your options and have not yet decided, here are seven tips to utilize in the process.

1. View your marriage as an investment.
Just as you would make time to attend to a valuable asset, put your energy into the relationship. The efforts you make to improve it, even at this time, can be returned in multiples. Use your partner for support as you face the current financial challenges.

2. Work on developing openness and honesty in your communication.
Commit to talking out your misunderstandings instead of letting them become full-fledged arguments. Remember to use the same conversational etiquette that you would with anyone you care about and respect. Listen when your spouse is speaking instead of thinking about how you will respond. Discuss the changes you want yet remain neutral about what is "right" and "wrong" in any absolute sense.

3. Make a decision to use cooperation and compromise in resolving your conflicts.
Be flexible as you look at the issue from your partner's perspective as well as your own. Ask yourself if it is more important to be right and win than to work on improving your relationship.

4. Deal with your anger and practice fighting fair.
Avoid hitting below the belt -- tell your partner what you don't appreciate about their behavior, not their personality. Once you have expressed your negative feelings, let go of the hostility. Resist holding on to resentment and avoid the emotional baggage of planning retribution. You can each learn to forgive and to apologize for your own mistakes.

5. Begin to give compliments more freely.
Adjust your antennae and be attentive to the actions that you want to reinforce. Then acknowledge - even praise – your partner’s positive behaviors. Your caring words, more than critical complaints, will produce constructive results. When you are thinking something nice, say it out loud.

6. Set aside time to enjoy each other.
Be playful as you laugh and bring humor into your daily life. Plan some adventures and discover new activities you both like to do. Think back to when you were dating and remember why you fell in love. Return to the expressions of warmth and affection that were easy then. This will bring more pleasure, romance and real intimacy into your relationship.

7. Consider whether you can rebuild trust and loyalty.
If you are committed to the relationship, your behavior will reflect your decision to remain in the marriage. Even though it may not be easy to re-connect, if you believe it’s possible, you will have the confidence to continue toward this goal. When you and your spouse are focused on satisfying each other’s needs, your marriage will be strengthened.

As the economic upheaval continues, resist having it alone determine the future of your marriage. Using these seven tips, make your own decision about whether or not you will seek a divorce. The effects of your choice are likely to last even longer than the current financial crisis.


Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.