Forgiving Ex-Spouse Can Help

    In the classic movie "The Princess Bride," Inigo Montoya, played by Mandy Patinkin, fantasizes about killing the six-fingered man who murdered his father. He tells everyone that he lives for the moment when he can say, “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” When he finally disptaches the evil Count Rugen, he doesn’t know who he is without the hate. “Is very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life,” he says.  

Revenge, whether for real or imagined injustices, can tear people apart, and there is only one remedy. “Forgiveness is the only means, given our humanness and imperfections, to overcome hate and condemnation and proceed with the business of loving and growing,” said Dr. Paul Coleman, author of “The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples.”  

Yet, what does forgiveness mean for someone like Silda Spitzer, standing beside her husband Elliot Spitzer, now ex-governor of New York, as he was outed for consorting with prostitutes? Should she kick him to the curb for betraying his marriage vows, exposing her and their daughters to public humiliation and setting her up for the risk of sexually transmitted diseases? Or, should she honor the “for worse” part of her marriage vows?  

Robert Enright, Ph.D., co-founder of The Forgiveness Institute and author or editor of four books and more than 80 publications on forgiveness, defines forgiveness as, “The freely chosen foregoing of resentment or revenge when the wrongdoer's actions deserve it and the beyond duty act of overcoming evil with good by giving the gifts of mercy, generosity and love when the wrongdoer does not deserve them.” Forgiveness, however, doesn’t require you to be re-victimized. In fact, here's what forgiveness isn't:

1. Forgiveness is not saying what happened doesn’t matter.
Forgiveness can be difficult if the offender doesn’t admit to any wrongdoing. What happened does matter.

2. By forgiving, you are not condoning or excusing inexcusable behavior.
After all, if what happened doesn’t matter, it doesn’t need to be forgiven.  

3. Forgiveness is not giving up your right to obtain justice.
Desmond Tutu, Archbishop of South Africa and author of “No Future without Forgiveness,” spent many years in jail for his fight against apartheid. After he was released, he was asked to chair South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC). While TRC sought to promote reconciliation and avoid retribution, it emphasized restorative justice. While forgiveness has nothing to do with whether our offender is willing to make restitution to us, our healing will be quicker and the likelihood of reconciliation greater if the offender shows remorse and takes actions to correct the damage he/she caused.  

Hedy and Yumi Schleifer, who lead workshops to teach couples how to transform their relationships, suggest that when one spouse has hurt the other, the offended spouse lists three reasonable things the offender could do to make restitution. The offender than chooses and performs one to help heal the breach of trust.   

Frederic Luskin, Ph.D, senior fellow at the Stanford Center on Conflict and Negotiation and author of “Forgive for Love," believes focusing on your partner's good qualities can facilitate reconciliation. “Everyone is flawed, not just the person you’re hanging out with. Appreciate what you have and spend much more time thinking about what’s right with your partner rather than what’s wrong; because, usually, that tells a lot more of the truth. In most relationships, people are doing a lot of good things and most of that is taken for granted,” Luskin said.

But forgiveness doesn't always mean sticking it out with a cheating spouse, though. “Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation with the person who has hurt you,” Luskin said. Dr. Enright agrees: “Reconciliation is about two parties coming together in mutual respect,” he said. If you’ve been a victim of abuse or criminal assault, it’s smart to keep the offender at a distance. Likewise, if you’re a victim of incest, you can forgive the relative, but that doesn't mean you should leave your child with that person. To err may be human and to forgive, divine. But sometime it's just stupid to forget.

According to Katherine M. Piderman, Ph.D., staff chaplain at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., here are some signs you may need to work on forgiveness: 

1. You find yourself continually dwelling on the events surrounding the offense.
2. Others are telling you that you have a chip on your shoulder or are wallowing in self-pity.
3. Family and friends avoid you because they don’t enjoy being around you anymore.
4. You’re having angry outbursts at the smallest perceived slights.
5. You often feel misunderstood.
6. You’re hitting the bottle, smoking or taking drugs to cope with your pain.
7. You’re having symptoms of depression or anxiety. 
8. If, like Inigo Montoya, you’re consumed by a desire for revenge.
9. You automatically assume the worst about people or situations. 
10. You’re regretting the loss of a valued relationship.
11. You feel like your life lacks meaning or purpose.
12. You feel at odds with your religious or spiritual beliefs.