Did You Tell Everyone About The Affair?

    Exercise extreme caution in who you tell about your husband's affair. It's natural to want to confide in someone when you find out your husband ischeating on you. But telling the wrong person can come back to haunt you in many ways. Let's look at some of  the obvious people you might think of confiding in to see how things could backfire.  

1. One of your girlfriends.
Many a woman has confided in her closest female friend -- only to find out the friend she confided in, was the person with whom her husband was having the affair.   Fran confided in her girlfriend Michelle that she thought Barry was having an affair. She shared every sign of infidelity she found with Michelle and complained that it was getting harder and harder to find additional proof. Things came to a head one night when Fran returned home two days early from a business trip. The house was dark and Barry's car was nowhere in sight. Fran drove over to Michelle's house to commiserate with her and found Barry's car parked in the driveway. When she rang the doorbell, Michelle answered the door with her hair and clothing in disarray, and a look of surprise on her face to see Fran standing there. Through the open door, Fran saw Barry sitting on Michelle's couch with his shirt off and an equally surprised look on his face, too. An ugly confrontation ensued and it came out that Michelle and Barry had been seeing each other for months behind Fran's back. If you confide in another female, make absolutely sure there's no chance that she could be the other woman in your husband's life.  

2. One of your male friends.
Confiding in a male friend about your husband's affair could be counterproductive and might further complicate the situation. Some men will take advantage of you in your vulnerable state. If you must confide in a male, choose a male relative –  your father, uncle or brother. But before doing so, consider the example below.  

3. Your family.
If you tell your family that your husband is having an affair, they'll remember the unfortunate event even long after matters have been resolved. Elephants aren't the only ones who never forget. If you decide to reconcile with your husband, your family may become angry with you for taking him back. They could also make things difficult by harboring ill feelings or showing hostility toward him for cheating on you. Carmen finally broke down and told her family that Hector had left her and moved in with the woman he was seeing on the side. A very close-knit family, they were outraged and insisted that Carmen file for divorce. They even offered to pay her legal fees. A few weeks later Hector moved back home. He and Carmen began seeing a marriage counselor and were well on their way to working things out. Carmen eventually forgave Hector, but her family never did. Hector's in-laws, who had never been overly fond of him to begin with, gave him the cold shoulder at family gatherings. At times they were downright hostile towards Hector. Since Carmen was very close toher family, her relationship with Hector became so strained, that he left Carmen again -- this time for good.  

4. His family.
If you tell your husband's family he's cheating on you, they may accuse you of exaggerating, side with him or blame you for the fact 0that he's having an affair. Hoping to gain their sympathy, Phyllis told her husband's two sisters she was certain John was having an affair. They told Phyllis point blank that they didn't believe her, because their brother would never do such a thing.  

5. One of your husband's male friends.
If you tell his male friends, they might try to lie for him out of a misguided sense of male loyalty or warn him to cover his tracks. Natalie told Al, her husband's best friend that she knew Steve was having an affair. She asked Al to talk some sense into Steve. Instead, Al, who was having an affair of his own, coached Steve on how to more carefully cover his tracks.  


THE NEED FOR CAUTION

One of the first things you'll want to do is rally friends and family to your side when you find out about your husband's affair. But confiding in the wrong person can backfire in ways you can't imagine, and will rarely produce the results you expect. It can complicate matters far beyond the original problem itself. So be very cautious about who you tell.   

Telling the wrong person is just one of several mistakes you don't want to make when you first discover your husband's affair. Regardless of whether you eventually decide to leave your cheating husband or stay with him and try to work things out, you want to avoid making certain mistakes. You risk making a bad situation worse,  or sabotaging whatever course of action you later decide to take. 

For information on five things to avoid doing andthe reasons why, request a free copy of the tip sheet "5 Things You Shouldn't Do If He's Cheating on You" by e-mailing InfidelityScoop@Gmail.com  with "5 Things" in the subject line.

 Infidelity expert Ruth Houston is the founder of www.InfidelityAdvice.com and the author of "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs," which lists practically every known sign of infidelity.  For more information, visit Ruth's Web site or contact her InsideInfidelity@gmail.com.