Her Mentor Center: Impact of Cheating

Q: I just found out that my partner cheated on me. It's over now but I don't know if I can ever forgive and forget. Should I stay and try to fix our marriage or cut the ties and get out now? 

A: While an affair can be devastating for any marriage, indications are that about two-thirds of couples do not divorce after one partner's infidelity. Only you can decide whether to stay or leave. What follows are some important questions to ask yourself before making that decision.   

Consider why the infidelity occurred -- separate the act from the motivation.

Was your partner's behavior impulsive or the outcome of simmering tension and resentment? Did you play any part in the breech?
Stay, if you believe that together you can do something about the underlying issues; you both will have to agree to take responsibility to make those changes. Leave, if your partner doesn't understand that a simple "I'm sorry" can't always gloss over the infidelity and lack of consideration for future consequences.  

How much are you invested in the relationship?
Decide if it is worth it to go through the long process of healing. For some, family and children are a good reason to stay in a marriage. For others, sex and intimacy are major draws. In some cases economics plays a significant part and, in others, companionship. Only you can decide where your commitment stands in your own cost-benefit ratio analysis of the marriage. If you believe it is important enough, then roll up your sleeves and get back to drawing board. 

How has the affair affected your ego and how you feel about yourself?
Men sometimes have a more difficult time after a wife's infidelity. For one reason, they are likely to see it in the framework of winning or losing. When this happens, the betrayal feels like a mortal wound and cutting off the relationship is often seen as the best option. No matter which partner has the affair, the offended party is going to be dealing with complex emotions -- feelings of anger, resentment, abandonment and distrust. In order to stay in the relationship, you will need to work through these with your partner without losing your sense of self or feelings of security.  

Do you have the tools you need to get past the affair?
It will be necessary to talk out the issues with your partner, ask for support from your family and friends -- perhaps from a therapist -- and take care of yourself through the process so that your self-esteem isn't more negatively impacted. As you tune into your emotional needs around the infidelity, you will be more aware of your isolation and loneliness -- being connected to others is crucial in helping you become more resilient. Learning about and practicing better communication skills are an integral step as you work on your marriage. 

Are you willing to face being vulnerable again?
If you and your partner go into marital counseling, you will first need to let down your defenses, expose your true feelings and open up the wounds again. If your hard work eventually allows you to let go of your feelings of anger or guilt, then you will gain from remaining in the relationship. With your enhanced self-awareness, you can build a stronger relationship together.  

Just as a broken bone is never the same but actually heals stronger, so your marriage can endure the severe break in trust caused by an affair. You have the choice whether you stay or go -- you can stay buried in the hurt of the past or let go and give in to the potential of a full life. 

Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.