Who Gets The Friends?

   Kim Cattarusa always enjoyed spending time with her brother’s girlfriend. They’d text. Talk. Shop. So, when the relationship ended after a year and a half, it was disappointing not only for the couple, but for Cattarusa. She missed her friend. “After they broke up I felt like I was going behind his back to hang out with her,” says Cattarusa, of Alamo, Calif.      

Because it was a civil split, her brother was OK with the continued friendship, Cattarusa says. But what if it were a messy breakup? Where do you draw the line between your loved one’s wishes and your own? How do you cope with your own feelings of loss when a couple breaks up, and how do you wade through these murky waters? Experts say it takes honest communication from all three parties and a willingness to compromise and set boundaries.       

Since 1986, Detroit-based psychologist Terri Orbuch has conducted a long-term study on marriage and divorce among nearly 400 couples. The issue of family and friends — whether to share or divide — always comes up. It’s just as hard for the friends and family of the couple to cope with the breakup as it is for the two people in the relationship, Orbuch says.      

“They don’t have control over the dissolution of the relationship,” says Orbuch, a nationally funded research scientist at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan. “So your relationship with that person could just end, and not because you got in a fight.”       

The first step is to talk with your loved one and share your feelings, Orbuch says. Tell the loved one that you like or miss the ex and aren’t sure how to proceed. Unless the breakup involved betrayal or something just as serious, it’s not too much to ask. “Ask the person how he or she would feel if you remain in contact,” Orbuch says.

And more important, there’s a difference between talking on birthdays and playing golf twice a week. “Part of coping is getting people’s stories, and hearing the meaning of what actually happened.”       

Furthermore, it’s important to ask if setting boundaries helps alleviate their worries. “A lot of the discomfort comes from worrying that you’re going to share information or talk negatively to the former spouse about them,” Orbuch says. “But you can set limits and still enjoy the friendship.” In other words, you can play golf but agree to never talk about “him” or “her” while doing it.       

Barbara Ferrigno of Walnut Creek, Calif., has done a fine job of remaining neutral and maintaining friendships with a man and woman after their marriage of nearly 30 years dissolved. She passed no judgment on either party, following the adage that respect is the basis of all relationships. “I’m Switzerland,” Ferrigno says. “First, I thought it’d be awkward but in my wisdom I decided that I’d never stop talking to either.”       

Marilyn Wood of Montclair is still in communication with her son’s ex wives. Sandy was married to him 22 years ago, and Wood speaks to her at least twice a week, and, in the coming weeks, plans to help out with the birth of her great-grandchild. “We always tell each other we love each other,” Wood says. “They are a part of my life that I would never want to lose.”       

Certainly, when children are involved or when lengthy marriages end, the extended family dynamic can and often does continue. But, when relationships are more fluid or short-term, it is common for everyone to move on, Orbuch says. Usually the loved one finds another partner, and family and friends are excited to welcome this new person in.       

Often, however, loved ones find they have to do their own healing and mourning. Orbuch recalls one client who said she thought about her daughter’s ex-boyfriend every time she looked at her dining table. It reminded her of the Friday night dinners they shared. Another mother said Christmas induced fond memories of all-night family movie marathons — son-in-law included. But, after instituting an annual neighborhood Christmas party, she has replaced those memories with new ones.      

Michael Hill of Richmond, Calif., certainly enjoyed grabbing beers with his girlfriend’s brother. But when the couple of more than a decade parted last year, Hill decided to limit his contact with the brother. “He wants to talk a lot, but I just say hi and keep stepping,” Hill says. He can’t say the same for his ex-girlfriend.      

She still spends time with Hill’s sister and father, whether as a baby sitter or caretaker. It hurts Hill’s feelings, he says. His sister tells him he needs to move on. But Hill believes it is his sister who needs to break up with his ex, and move on.       

“If she no longer wants to see me, then she should leave my family alone,” Hill says. “What’s next? If she finds someone new, is she going to introduce him to my family? If you’re going to sever the ties, cut them all the way.”