Coping With Divorce: The First Year

Divorce360: What were your initial thoughts/emotions when you realized you were getting a divorce?

Rich Jackson: Honestly, a sense of relief greeted me. Ours had not been a good marriage. I...offered to reconcile because I thought it was the right thing to do, particularly with a child. But when she said she couldn't get back together, I felt relieved.

Divorce360: What is the most challenging part of enduring the first year after divorce?

Rich Jackson: I found many troubles, among them money issues, anger. But I think the worst is working hard not to do anything stupid. As you try to find yourself again, and trust me, you have to do that because you're a completely changed person, you have to be aware.

Divorce360:  What other life factors complicate your healing process and how do you cope with those?

Rich Jackson: All life factors are rolled into one ball, and one can affect another. You have to segment problems and deal with them immediately. Pay your bills and don't spend wildly. If you're lonely, don't seek out a quick relationship. Find platonic friends or group support. Know that it's good to feel angry sometimes but that's not all there is to life. Try to rid yourself, a little bit each day, of the negative feelings. Hatred, anger, jealousy, those are all like little acids that will eat you up if you allow them. Work on letting them go. Finally, place the children's needs high but don't forget yourself. You can't be a good parent unless you're taking care of yourself, too.

Divorce360: What is your state of mind today compared to the day you divorced?

Rich Jackson: Better but not best. Healing isn't just a one-year process. It gets better most days and then you slide back a little bit. I try to remember that you can't undo such massive emotional damage quickly. And I remind myself that healthy people have made it through much worse. This is just really stupid, but sometimes I watch "Cops" just to feel better about my life. Judgmental? Yep. Petty. Sure. But it helps — as long as you're not watching to see the segment you're on.

Divorce360: Who or what do you turn to to heal?

Rich Jackson: The thing that amazed me the most was how many good friends stepped forward to help me. I felt blessed. I read books — and online sites — to help me understand what to do.

Divorce360: What hurt the most during the first year after your divorce?

Rich Jackson: You hear the phrase "breaking my heart" but I swear I could feel it rip and tear. The physical manifestations I never could have fathomed. That pain remains but it dissipates a little every day.

Divorce360: What are some of the biggest hurts you're experiencing?

Rich Jackson: I don't get to see my daughter as often as I would like. But I have to remember that I can still be a good father, even if from a distance. I bought her a cell phone and we either talk or text every day. Money remains an issue, but I've found new pleasures like little games where I compete to spend less and less each week.

Divorce360: What is the most difficult part of your experience?

Rich Jackson: I ...really disliked the legal process, because I felt like I had no control over my own future, and indeed that's what it was.

Divorce360: What surprises you about your inner resolve in the face of this crisis?

Rich Jackson: People are remarkable creatures, both inside and out. Look at those who've survived war or famine or Sept. 11. Many, many people have come out of true tragedies. But I also think people have a choice in how they react to pain and suffering. They can become embittered and more angry. Or they can become, smarter, wiser and more thoughtful people. The more you feel out of control, the more you can actually take control of the very basic details of your life. Do you smile at strangers? Do you treat others well? Are you there when others need help? These and other things can be quite rewarding during difficult times.

Divorce360: How are you focusing on healing despite all that pain, especially when you had a child to care for, lawyers to deal with and other life circumstances to settle?

Rich Jackson: I've worked hard not to drown myself in false pain relievers, like easy sex, booze and pills, spending money I don't have. I've surrounded myself with good friends, tried to simplify my life and enjoyed the small things. I've always laughed a lot but I laugh more, now. Just a couple of weeks ago, my little girl said, "Dad, it's always easy having fun with you." That's the best compliment I've ever had.

Divorce360: What is your attitude about your future, and possible remarriage, after going through divorce?

Rich Jackson: The future is always great because you haven't lived it yet. I've set some goals and I'm meeting them and that's remarkably rewarding. In terms of remarriage, I kind of think not but of course I'll change my mind for the right person. Most of my pursuits are individual, like reading and writing, so I spend my time doing things I like and I rarely feel lonely.

Divorce360: What would you like to add that we did not cover?

Rich Jackson: All divorces are antagonistic, even the supposed "nice" ones. That's why you're getting a divorce. And antagonism is a mutually destructive pursuit. As difficult as it is, one of you has to say, "I'm done getting even. I'm not going to be your enemy." I promise that if you're strong enough to do this — even in the face of vengeance from your former spouse — it will not only be the hardest thing you've done in your life, it will also be the best. It's harder than anything I've ever done and I have to remind myself every day. But I do it because intentionally inflicting any kind of harm on another only does damage to me.

JACKSON'S TIPS FOR COPING:

• Be very careful with money. Spend as little as you can.
• Don't get involved in another relationship. The statistics for second marriages the first year after divorce are horrible for a reason.
• Do healthy things for yourself. Learn a language or an instrument. Learn how to cook gourmet food. Exercise. Avoid the self-destructive tendencies that offer immediate gratification.
• Reach out to friends. You'll be amazed how many and how often they reach back.
• Watch "Cops."

Brian Guth is a newspaper editor with 20 years' experience working in Indiana, Michigan, North Carolina and Ohio.

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