How to handle a trial separation to increace chances of reconciling

regardless if he is ready to go to counseling or not - you need to go - if he knows you are seeing a counselor, he might consider it - during that time not only will it help you deal with everything, you can also start to learn better ways to communicate with him.

 

the thing is with counseling - you have to stay at it - when things are just starting to seem better, people quit - and that is the whole reason they go back to bad behavior because they aren't held accountable anymore for what they say and do. A therapist can keep you honest and on track until it stops being something you try to do, and instead becomes habit. That can take 6, 8 months even a year or more...it goes from healing to a wellness checkup for your marriage.

Give him some time to miss you - get yourself into therapy - and approach him about working on things in a few weeks.

i can relate.  My husband and I are separated.  I am in FLorida and he is in Ohio.  We are working on getting back together or so I think.  I made the decision to leave because i wasn't happy with my life then I get down here and realize that I love him too much to let him go and that I really do want things to work out.  I have made positive changes in my life that he requires before we get back together.  He visited me over new years and we acted like we did when we first fell in love.  Then he went home and like your husband, he doesn't want to talk about feelings or about what is going on with us.  Since I left, I have to pay for my own way home and I am not working as much as I would like to.  Of course he has friends on his side that tell him he would be a fool to go back to me and he goes and partys on the weekend with them.  He ignores my phone calls while he's with them and doesn't call me when he says he will.  I have done nothing but cried for the last four months and have lashed out in suspision that he has got someone else.  I just feel that if he isn't calling me then he must be hiding something.  I feel so crazy at times and out of control and he is pulling my strings and he knows he is in control.  Everyone says that I should ignore his calls and play his game but I don't want to.  When I get upset or talk in a bad way about what is going on in our lives then that is when he ignores my calls.  So I feel I am being punished.  I can relate when you say that your husband says you will go back to your old ways mine feels the same.  But, I just wish that it was black or white.  It either is or isn't.  I'm afraid of pushing him away and I think that I am.  Sorry, I just thought that I would share my story just so you know that your not alone.  I think it is the hardest when you don't know what direction your life is going to take and the waiting by is the most upseting and damaging.  Hang in there.

that is almost exactly what is going on with me and my husband. We are going through a separation right now...I am waiting on the lawyer to get the paperwork done. He is keeping the kids and I am terrified. I don't want to do this. We had terrible communication skills as well. Now that we are going through this it seems we are talking  better than ever. We are able to tell each other how we truly feel. It scares me as well bc I feel he doesn't want this to work. Like he thinks things will always be the same. We never fought like this until about two months ago. We couldn't agree on anything. I wanted to hang out with a single friend and he didn't want me to bc he just KNEW i was cheating on him. I love him more than life itself and I don't want another man. I wanted him to see that and I thought that if I spent time with my best friend and didn't act up he would finally get the picture. Now I see that I should have listened to him. The last argument that we had ended in me losing my temper and lashing out at him. I am ashamed to admit that I flipped out and kicked him in his stomach. It was not a super hard kick but it hurt his soul. He never thought I would do that. Then I screamed at him that I wanted a divorce. I realize that I was sooooo wrong and the only reason I yelled that was because I had lost my temper. I DO NOT want a divorce. Never have. And now look where I am.

I feel the same way. My husband and I just seperated and he lives with his mother and the kids and I live alone. I feel like he does not want to hear from me cause he has everyone else in his ear. So when is it safe to say okay enough is enough and start getting back all the energy and time and effort and COMPASSION youve put in and see that the other person is on same page as us. Yes we love our husband or wife, and no we dont want divorce but geese how about some affection or compassion we are hurting too.

This just happened to me. My stbxw and I had many arguments that started with me asking if she was still in love with me since I felt she was distant. she never could tell me the truth and I would belittle her. she had had enough and in February she agreed to go to therapy. I was soooo happy and excited. I was too excited and I had too many expectations. If you go to therapy, PLEASE DO NOT PUSH or DO NOT THINK IN A FEW WEEKS ALL WILL BE GOOD. it was 3 months and I was getting frustrated with my wife. She hadn't shown any effort in therapy and I felt it was hopeless. I've talked to many others in similar scenarios and the one thing that you CANNOT control is your spouses energy, actions or thoughts. If you go, you must simply BE. Don't expect, don't let yourself get too excited as you'll expect something to happen and if it doesn't you'll run the risk of arguing again. I did it and it drove my stbxw over the edge and I can't do anything about it now. They have to want to do it themselves and you just cannot do anything but BE.