Getting Over Her

Even though I was the one who left, I still occassionally feel those feelings of loneliness.  I've been very fortunate that I've had a great support group of friends and family, but it's still hard at times.  Seeing the excitement on the kids' eyes as they open presents just won't feel right without him there.  Yes, I'm mostly over my ex, but it's still going to be weird.

The first holiday is not easy. This is my first as well.
When I first filed, I started dating right away. My self-esteem had hit rock bottom when I learned of my ex's affair, so I needed to feel attractive again. I dated for a few months, nothing serious, just getting out there and enjoying myself while meeting people. I was very upfront with what I was doing, so there wasn't any hard feelings when the relationship didn't progress. After awhile, the need to be out there lost it's luster and I quit dating. I am happy now because I know what I have to offer and I know there are people out there who appreciate that. DO NOT get involved in another relationship right away. The pain of when it ends (and it will) is oftentimes much worse than you felt when your marriage ended. Take things slowly and enjoy being by yourself again and get to know WHO YOU ARE. Join some support groups, take advantage of counseling, get out and be with people in platonic situations. You'll get through this.

This is not easy .. for the most part I felt if I was getting over my stbx but last night it hit me again as I realized that this would be the forst Christmas without her ... being woken up by my grandson, bringing her coffee and cookies in bed ... sitting around the tree, all opening presents ... I know time will heal all of this but it is very difficult to forget the closeness and intimacies shared over the period of your marriage.

Get you a Female dog you will be surprised.

First post here. I have read these posts and know how many of you feel
I have been separated for a year and the divorce as far as
legal issues will be easy nothing to fight over anymore. She
left suddenly and left me with many questions. Then I had
huge problems at work and ended up losing everything along
with her losing a car she took my name was on. It's been a
long year and things are starting to look up some. Or maybe
i'm just fooling myself once again. I miss the intimacy, coming home
to somebody, to share things with. All of it!  Today was especially
rough when I ran into her for the first time while with her boyfriend
that had helped her move out. She swears they were not dating
before but I don't know long story in itself. All I wanted to do
was cry right then and there but was able to hold it in until I
left. My inlaws were there and stayed after her and her boyfriend
left for a few moments. They feel so bad for me and have not
been happy with her. At least that is what they say I believe them
but realize they have to be there for their daughter in the end.
So I limit contact with them just for that reason. Ok rambling now
and not sure if I should be saying all this on somebody elses
blog/thread. Not sure what you all call it.

Wow, I know exactly what you mean.  We hadn't had a real relationship for about two years.  It was almost like a duty to her, so I just stopped trying.  So I've missed it for a long time.  But the thoughts of being with anyone else after 21 years is not easy.  I can't even imagine dating again.  I had a friend want to fix me up with someone the night I moved out.  Um, I don't think so.  I honestly think I need some time to myself.  Do I want to be alone forever, heck no!  But for right now, I know my mind is not where it needs to be to become involved with anyone else.

Yea, I know where your coming from. the loneliness seems almost palatable sometimes. Since I was "alone" for most of my marraige, you'd think I  would be having an easier time with it. It seems worse being among married friends. I can see how those relationship wither. each day babysteps right?

Wow, I am surprised to find out there is a man who actually hurts and will admit it.  My husband and I broke up last December 2007, and he acts as if nothing ever happened. First thing he did was go out and sleep with fifteen other women, then got into a relationship with this other chick, who was one of the fifteen that stuck around.  Meanwhile, I am all hurt and torn up inside by this whole ordeal.  He is upset about not being able to see the kids (we live in two different states) but has never expressed any emotion what so ever about our breakup, and we've been together since high school.  I guess you guys do feel something, huh?

It seems as if nothing can be enjoyed when your loved one no longer feels anything for you. It is a sad time to be in , I have been at this same situation 3 times my wife has left me every single time,  I know that soon i will have to file for divorce, and my kids are going to be broken hearted , i don't know how to tell them, but i can't live here being rejected anymore.

It's nice to know that others have a hard time learning to be alone again too... I know I have been single before, but somehow I too miss having that person to come home to and chat about the day, etc.  For others who don't like the bar scene, what has been really helpful to me has been my local coffee shop.  I became a regular and before I knew it I had a new network of neighborhood friends, not to mention have  read some fabulous books during that time...

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Every bit has been helping!

I'd have to agreed about exercising.  You occupy your time, you feel better, and eventually start to look better.  Hey maybe you may meet a friend doing whatever you do for exercise. 

I'd also recommend writing a list of reasons why things didn't work, and potentially why things wouldn't work in the future.  Make a list of the qualities about her that you couldn't stand.  Do you best to start to look at how things were, and not necessarily how we romanticize them to be. 

As other said, you've been single before and you can do it again.  Don't get back into a relationship just to "fill a void". 
That isn't fair to the other person and also may allow yourself to get involved with someone completely wrong for you, just because they are there.  Good luck to you.

Wow! I can really relate to this thread.
Everyone here has given great advice and I know these are the things you need to do. Getting your mind off of what you are missing is the only way. It sounds cold and I've actually been frustrated by people telling me this but it does work. After awhile I felt like everyone was trying to minimize my needs and wants. It made me angry and frustrated that everyone seemed to thing it was no big deal that I wasn't getting love and romance. Well, that isn't what they were saying at all. They were saying that it sucks not to have those things in my life but it does no good at all to dwell on it.
It occurred to me the other day that I want to have those things again and I need to spend my time toward that goal. Every minute I spend wallowing over what I am missing is one minute that could have been put to better use. Believe me, I still have my moments. The worst is when I first get into bed at night alone. I even make that better by forcing lonely thoughts out of my head by pleasant and positive ones. It works and I'm able to fall asleep.
Lets all keep working to better our situations! It is comforting to know that there are others suffering as I am.
Gorf, push ahead with positive thoughts and hope for the future. Someday you will be in a relationship with a woman who appreciates and love you. It will come in time! In the meantine, enjoy life and do the things that make you happy.

I have been working out alot. Improving myself. I have found it helps alot!
It also gets you back in shape. I have been working on reconecting with myself.
Our divorce will be final in September or earlier. As far as female company?
Looking for female friends hurts nothing. Just a person to hang out with and talk to.
I am like the one poster I do not care for smoke filled clubs or bars either.
I just want all of you to know. Your not alone. There are many of us men out here
hurting over this. My relationship turned sour from the start. Yet I still love her.
It will fade with time. The greatest healer of all. I hope I can keep that in my mind myself.

Its odd, nothing feels the same. You can leave and try to have a good time, and when you came back, you have no one to share what you did with. You can tell the kids, but its not the same. You just don't realize what you loose until you don't have it anymore!

Finally planned a trip to ride dirt bikes...  first trip since this nightmare started. Looking forward to it, as there is no relief at work, and at home in an empty house is like murder.  Kids help, but it's just not the same.

Fill that need we all have? yes that is the question. I  just know that someday, I will have that need filled and more. I don't want just anyone to spend my time with. I want the right person to spend my time with. My time is very precious. I don't know when it will happen, but  it's just a matter of time. I'm already on the path to my goal........ :)

Guys, We do not have it easy! We actually feel the same way and worry whether we'll find someone again. But your right Gorf, We first need to be happy with ourselves and the rest will come. I believe!

Desmo,

I hear ya,

Its so hard and your right they have it easy and we are the ones that will find it hard to "hookup" so to speak. Right now I'm trying to find what makes me happy, and then maybe when I'm happy with myself and not worrying about finding someone it will just happen. ( well at least thats what i tell my self as I fall asleep by myself again)

 

The best thing you can do is be happy and move on and someday you to will find someone that will love you again.

 

Gorf

For me, it's the simple things like sharing coffee together, or watching a show on TV. I'm 39 and I don't feel like a 20 year old anymore, meaning I'm not about to start going to bars to hook up. eHarmony is about as attractive as a tooth ache, and all my sports activities are really independent. (Surfing dirt bikes) No hookups there either. *sigh* Not my main priority, but I worry about my lonely future. She doens't seem to be worried as she won't have an issue hooking up.

I have started working and and it feels great, well kinda of they day after I really felt my age! I'm working on me and looking forward to doing some things I had stoped doing. I] also thinking about going back to get my blackbelt with my kids! I think they would love it!

I definitely second the exercise idea.  I had so much pent up frustration it was a perfect outlet for me. Not to mention I will be in great shape whenever the divorce is final and I am back on the market again.  What keep trying to remember during this completely awful situation is that I am a whole person on my own and I don't need someone else to make me happy. You can only want someone to add to your current state of happiness, not expect them to make you feel that way.

I too am going through the lonely painges. Thank you all for the responses. I have heard and have tried it , to help someone else , anyone, always make you feel better and gets you out of your head. It works. What  also works for me is prayer. Now I am going to log off and do something , anything, to feel less alone.

Go out, mingle, meet new friends, don't invest too much emotionally, just observe and get to know new people. That's what I did. I missed the intimicy and emotional fullfillment from my ex too, but I just thought I could get over that hurdle by occupying my time making new friends.

You sound like you really love her but you deserve someone to love you back. You sound like such a loving and good guy. She will live to regret this. But for know take care of yourself and know that you deserve better than that. Find friends and things to do. Keep yourself busy.  take it one day at a time. My first Ex cheated and left me at 21 with two small kids and it hit me hard but I made it and you will to. I just left my husband of 6 years, 10 together and I'm staring over AGAIN. But we have to be strong it feels like the end of the world but its not, its the beginning of a new one!!