I'm the OTHER woman

May you get what you deserve.

Goooooooooooooood grief, this post is nearly a whole year old, and people are still commenting on it.

Even is he was separated he isn't divorced yet.

I plan to remain single until after the divorce is final. It's just kleaner that way.

Also have you, or your boyfriend considered that this is serious legal business that is between him and hi STBX. Your presence is not required and most likely not be appreciated by one of the parties of this event. They should do thid private matter in private.

ummm....beware of those with unfinished business.  it is a humongous red flag.

One word: KARMA.  May you get what you deserve. He is still married. Karma.

I agree. This man has it in him to cheat. As the OW I don't like what you are doing but I truely think you'll get hurt if you persist. A new relationship will only be good if it was started in honesty and integrety. It should not have started until his divorce was final.

And although I don't like what your doing, I wouldn't wish for you to get hurt.

Ugh! sorry about the grammar below.  I can't believe I typed so fast that I really messed up propper English...anyway, I hope you got my point.  Keep a watch over your shoulder to make sure he isn't playing you!

GET OUT NOW!!!! You may be in love with him, and perhaps he is one of those who just can't live or be alone!  He may be lying to you.  This may be his excuse to not marry you! Have you thought that perhaps it is he who is not signing the papers? Have you thought about the fact that he may be using his stbx as an excuse not to make the final commitment to marry YOU?  May be likes getting the milk for free! I know I am sounding cruel, but perhaps he is just using you and making every excuse in the book not to take your relationship in to forever.  Does he spend a lot of time away from you? Always has something else to do or other commitments?  Be careful. He might be putting up smoke screens to be make the final commitment.  If he's been dating you, perhaps he cheated on her  before their separation which means he might cheat on you.  You need to make sure you aren't seeing "his" world through rose-colored glasses!  I wish you well.

Tess,

Sorry if I came off as being b*tchy to you that was not my intent, but I had basically been called a bad parent on a different site becuase I want to move to another state with my kids.  Mind my ex was horrible (as suggested I will post my story) and still is (won't go into that here).  But i had asked for advice and had a man tell me good luck and that I should move and leav emy kids with the ex and that he bet I am not such a great parent anyway, so I was being defensive and pissy.

If you read what I said carefully, I was not implying anything about you...just about my ex and perhaps the guy the OW is dating...my point is that you can not expect to get a positive response when you are asking people who have been hurt for justification for the very behavior that may have hurt them.  You may not think that dating while sperated is cheating, but many of us do...if that works for you great, it doesn't for many of us...and by the way rebound relationships especially so soon after a separation are often a diaster...she will likely be on this site feeling our pain soon enough...and that of course makes me sad...hope you find the joy you are looking for...I am certainly trying.

Best Wishes, Tess

Dating in no way made me put my children second to anything, so please don't even imply that.  I dated when they were with their father and  in no way define myself by a realtionship with a man.  I wanted to get out and enjoy myself and start my life over.  BUT my children have and always will come first.  I also in no way feel that I did something wrong by dating after I left the marriage, nor did I feel as if I was cheating on my STBX.  I totally agree that those of who have been cheated on during their marriage have a right to be angered, but you also have to take things in context, there is a difference in my mind as to cheating while you are married and dating when you are seperated.  I do not know what her intentions were with her post, but I also know that many of the comments that I read made me feel like a horrible person for moving on with my life during seperation and I am not a bad person nor did I do anything wrong by dating.

I DID NOT date before or after the divorce was finalized.  Unlike my ex who puts the OW first, my son comes first.  And, guess what?  Not all of us define ourselves by relationships.  I am not so male-identified that I only feel like a whole person if I am in a relationship. Most of us are likely just trying to heal, rebuild our lives.  Do we really need to have our faced rubbed in it by the OW?  My impression of this person is that she is using this forum to feel better about herself, to convince herself that her behavior is righteous behavior.  Honestly, what kind of response did she think she was going to get?   I am sure it makes her feel just grand, perhaps superior, to anger women and men who have been used and abused by cheating spouses.  Tormenting women and men on this site who have been deeply hurt by cheating spouses or nasty GF/BF who think they are entitled to make ex-wives/husbands and their children miserable is nasty, and down-right mean-spirited.  What you put out into this world you often get back two-fold.  If she can't stand the heat, she needs to get out of the kitchen.  Just my two cents...

I am a little disheartened reading all the responses on here.  Everyone is being very critical.  I understand that there is always 3 sides to a story, but my question to all of you slamming her for calling herself the other woman, is that have NONE of you dated after you were seperated but before you were legally divorced???

I went through a divorce, I never should have married the man, but we had kids and I tried to do the right thing but it was the worst thing I could have done.  Once I left him, trust me there was NO HOPE of reconciliation.  And YES I dated while we were seperated and prior to finalization of the divorce.  Dose this in some way make me a bad person?? I don't think so.  I went through hell in my marriage, dealing with emotional abuse, him ignorign me and his children, his doing drugs, etc.  Did I not deserve some happiness??  If she was not the reason for the seperation you should not slam her for dating him.  I find it very hard to believe that none of you have dated someone before your divorce was final.  I understand that divorce hurts and that you are often angry, that maybe your significant other left you for someone else, so it is easy to make this girl a target of your frustration, but let's all take a step back here and be realistic.  First off, none of us are involed personally, so we don't know the whole story, we don't know what is really going on, so there is no room for us to judge.  Maybe there is no hope for reconciliation and there never was, maybe their relationship would have never worked, but if he has found someone that make him happy, what is wrong with him moving on?  I know that certain people look at relationships during a seperation as cheating, but I think that is wrong.  And again, I am sure that there are some of you who are criticizing her that have dated during seperation, so stop judging!

Hai,am gift
giftadar@yahoo.com
I have the feeling that this piece of mail will reach you in a perfect state of mind and in a better healthy condition. While searching through the net, I came accross your contact address and decided to contact you. I believe and also have the feeling that in todays world, neither race, nationality nor religion will any longer posse a barrier to male/female relationships. Although, we do not know each other well but I will really like to have you as a friend or pen pal if that is better for you.I am a single lady of 23years old, currently liveing in West Africa. While I hope to hear from you soon, and also look forward to receiving some information concerning you, your family, country and even your personal life experiences. This will give us the opportunity of knowing each other better and be able to understand ourselves more. May God bless you as I wait to hear from you soon through this email address. (giftadar@yahoo.com) hope you write with love.

OMG!  I just joined this site and I can't believe this...My ex and his GF (my former student) and 25 years younger have humiliated me and my son on a daily basis.  She has posted personal information about me on-line-- information he told her.  And has slandered me around campus saying I am metally ill etc.   Needless to say reading the post of this other woman person makes me sick.  I just want to scream. How dare you?  UGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

I know this is a really old post that just got some new attention.

(sound of kevlar vest being put on)

I'm with Brandy and mtnvly on this one. They didn't cause the separation. At best (worst) you could say their relationship may have prevented a reconciliation. But most people are pretty "done" when they actually file those papers. Not that reconciliation doesn't happen; it just doesn't happen often in a permanent way.

Yes, waiting until the final gavel falls is better. But when you're really "done", finding someone new to do things with and ease the loneliness is something most people do (myself included, or perhaps that's "especially"?). When you're just "pretty much done", there's still hope and you're probably spending more time thinking about the STBX and what's going on that you are thinking about where to meet new single friends of the opposite sex. I have a suspicion Brandy and mtnvly found people who were "really done".

My only worry for them is that their new significant other may be in a rebound (a healing relationship, as it's been called). That could put the long-term prospects for their current relationships at risk. Looking back, I did that with my wife, and she's now my STBX.

I can't believe you posted that question on this site.  Because they were seperated when you both met is no excuse, because they were still married.  She obviously wants her marriage to work out if she's not signing the divorce papers.  You are tearing a family apart.  If you were not around who knows, maybe he would be willing to work things out with his wife.  Be prepared because the way that you got him, will be the same way that you lose him.  And I don't feel sorry for you, because you deserve everything that you get.  You're a home wrecker.  Let that man go back to his wife!!!

Wow.  You are one BRAVE chick to write some stuff like that on this site!  The Other Woman, indeed!  Brazen enough to step in when you should have stayed back and proud enough to post your title to this site.  Wish I had balls like that!

Well sweetie, we will be here when he dumps your ass for someone new.  And we won't even say we told ya so.

Best of luck!

I'm in the beginning of a separation.  I don't know what all the circumstances for your situation other than he was separated before you met him.  Therefore, the term "other woman" would really constitute that you were the "real" reason for the split!  I'm not going to chastize you about this...we're all grown ups or we at least should be.  Some have been hurt by the "other women" in their situation & have every right to be hurt & pissed, but please ladies, "hate" the one that did it to you.  Not everyone is the bad guy/girl.  Stuff happens sometimes when we least expect it to.  I'm not saying that it's right...it is what it is!!  I think the ladies that took it personally should look at their situation & what happened in their marriages.  It takes two to make it work & to make it not work!!  I'm not pointing fingers at anyone.  I've been in relationships that had the "other woman" & believe me I understand how it feels to be betrayed by your partner, it hurts like hell, but you really have to put blame on the real culprit...your partner.  It was his/her choice to do it...there is that tiny little word that means so much & it's called NO!!  It's pretty obvious it wasn't used in many situations.  It's not always the "other woman's" fault.  Sometimes they really don't know they "are" that "other woman" until they've already fallen in love...ever hear of the term "double" life???  I really believe that it really happens!!

^5 sdchargers!!
Ok....I am trying to decide if you are either stupid or just plain evil.  I will not be as polite as some of the other posts but get real chick!  My ex brought his new girlfriend to court just three weeks of seperation and glared at me the whole time!  Ok, maybe you women get off on it in some sick way but just remember karma can be a b*itch!!

I don't know why I missed this post...but it's probably a good thing that I've had some time to get acquainted with what I perceive this site to be about - and who it is intended to help.  That being said....I'm of the opinion that you already know the answer to your question, such as it is.  I doubt you'll get much sympathy from those of us who count the 'other woman' as the enemy, myself included.  And to add insult to injury, you're wondering if it's 'OK' to have her meet you and sign papers at this little function of yours?

Wake up, girlfriend....and if possible, put yourself in your lover's wife's shoes for just a minute or two.  I find your post to be nervy at best....and an insult to all of us who are just trying to make it through the days and nights - alone, because our significant other is off having fun with 'the other woman'.

You're worried about disrupting your life? 

Shame on you.

so no matter where you relocate, or how many units he will be in, his main supervisors or Chain of Command will know this about him. Quite honestly that isnt something that I want sitting on my shoulder. Have you guys talked or prepared for the worse, you know if she actually found out? How will he financially take care of business if the worse comes to a head? I hope those are things you guys are thinking about? Lastly, how are you feeling in all of this? You are pretty much in the middle.Now I do not condone what is going on between the two of you, but I do understand on some terms. I just dont agree with it. If I were you, I would have to think about..........would he in return do that to me. I mean if he did it to his wife, couldnt he do that to you. Do you trust him, do you think maybe sometime in the future, you may not? I hope you have thought of all of those things you know. I hate for you to be another girl who got caught up in another married man's mess. What is she never signs those papers? what then? I wish you the best of luck in your future and what you decide. Good luck sweetie

Hi, I was curious at to how are things going between the two of you now, it has been a couple of months since you posted. I think you came to the wrong place for advice being that there are alot of women on this site, that have been left for the "other woman". Lol Sorry, just being honest. If I were you I would wait sweetheart before building a future with this man. Reason being, I thought it may be obvious but I dont think you understand the entire picture here. First off look at it this way, yes you love him, and want to be with him, but sweetie he is is still married! No matter what the reason of the divorce is or was, he should show some level of respect for you and most of all her, because like it or not they are still binded in the eyes of GOD and legally. Which brings me to my second point. I am quite sure that GOD is looking down at this relationship in grief, shame, and pain. Because divorce is not something that he wants for his children, but then add infidelity to it....whoaaaa......I just dont think morally this is a bright decision. Thirdly, from the military aspect, ummm we do not play when it comes to adultery, cause this is basically what you guys are comitting. We have alot of morals, when it comes to how you treat your family you know. He could really really get stung for this. You do mention that his Chain of command or what not, knows about the relationship.....hmmm... that scares me. His CO is not doing what they are supposed to be doing. Anyway you also mention that she is still in ove with him, so basically if she finds out about you, she will (and this is a gurantee) inform his chain of command about this affair, and it wont matter if they were ok about it at first, if she complains about it, they will now have to do something about it. Consquences: Kicked out of the military with a general discharged if court marshalled, demotion in grade, or disorderly conduct paper work that can follow him the rest of his career, so no matter where you

I know that this is a site for divorce. I know that many of you are hurting and your spouse has left.
Bandy and I are not the reason that your spouse left. If some of you would take the time to read her posts, she is not the reason that he left nor am I the reason that my boyfriend left. Both I and Bandy have stated that. Not every person who has left their spouse and "finds" someone else is to blame for the seperation. Yes maybe we should have waited til the divorce was final. I know that some of you  are hurting and I don't know Bandys whole situation but I do know that my boyfriends soon to be ex has controlled and manipulated him during the course of their marriage and still attempts to , after 6 yrs seperation. She has mentally and verbally abused him and continues to. She now uses the children and visitation to attempt to get what she wants.  They have repeatedly sought counsel and have tried to reconsile but it can only be if he does exactly what she wants. It is not always the person who left the situations fault. At some point you will be able (hopefully) to heal and move on. Some of you may be in the situation where there is an actual "other woman" that he left you for. Bandy only calls herself that due to the fact that she is now his girlfriend.
At some point we need to look at the situation and ask ourselves honestly what we could have done to prevent it. You cannot place every woman or man who sees your ex in a box. I am not saying that you are at fault but am saying that you should look closely at what happened. Yes I am divorced. Yes I have been thru it . Yes I know that it is painful. But I know and so does everyone around me that I did everything possible to save my marriage and to have a good one. Counseling and the works. I was even given teh go ahead from my pastor, which is unusual. Take it easy on Bandy. She did not cause the break up of this marriage or yours. There are always other side to the story.
Sorry for all the flack you received

I call myself the 'other women' due to the fact he was still married. They were seperated before I ever met him. I dont think she's crazy, little clingy I'll admit, but I have sat and talked to her since the paperwork is done, she is a nice, loving person, and she still loves him. She knows I didnt come between them and it was his choice to leave. I understand that not everyone can just pick up and move on, she even told me that they loved each other, but it was more of a friends type of love, not a relationship type. She said they had been that way since he came back from deployment. They have no children together so there are no children to feel the pain of the divorce. She hopes that he can find happiness with me.