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Divorcing over pornography?

My wife and I have a huge difference in the view of pornography. I think its quite normal and she equates it to infidelity due to her Christian views.

We've been married for almost 15 years. 4 yrs ago, she found some stuff on my computer. Previous to that, I've kept it hidden from her. She was so freaked out and I felt so much shame about it that we went to the most rigorous "sex-addict" program in the country. It involved a 12 step program but also used tools such as rubber bands to snap at your wrist if you had an inappropriate sexual thought and regular polypgraphs. Yes, lie detector tests - that not only asks you whether you viewed pornography but also asks whether you masturbated or had any sexual fantasies. In the beginning, I had so much shame that I bought the program and told her that I loved doing it. Of course, I hated it. I found it dehumanizing, demeaning and more shaming. So I stopped. I told my wife that I thought there is nothing abnormal about pornography or masturbation. That triggered a crisis and for the past 2 yrs - we've been living in limbo. We tried to go to couple's counseling and the Christian couple's counselor then phrased it as, "well, if you know it hurts her - they you should not do it." So I tried not to view porn because I knew it hurt her but when we fight or go long periods without sex, I found myself using porn to help me release.

Well, she recently found some other stuff on the computer again and she's told me that I;ve broken her heart, she does not trust me and she does not love me and want me out of her life. She considers me a sex addict.

To be fully honest, here is my pornography habit. I look at it on the web for about 5-15 minutes, 2-3 times a week. I've gone weeks without it - the reason being that I'm a very busy guy. I make a generous living and work hard to do so. So a lot of times, I'm too busy to be surfing the web for porn. My wife does not work. I don't have any videos at home. I don't go to strip clubs. I have never been with a prostitute. I've never done drugs, never even tried it. I have never had a physical relationship with anyone else. I've never kissed another person except my wife and my kids for the past 15 years. All I do, is every now and then, I look at pornography (mostly soft core) or read a sexual story that helps me release.

The problems is that my wife views this as infidelity - I've used some other being for sex. I can see her view but I also see this as quite normal and not infidelity.

She is so headstrong in this view and cannot be moved to change or accept me. In her eyes, the only way I can win her trust back is to go back to a program that involves lie detector tests and accountability partners. My problem is that I don't think I can honestly be ok with such a program - primarily because I don't think I am cheating on her.

I have strongly contemplated divorce as she wants it and I am sad about it. Due to this dilemma, I've asked her to go to a marriage counselor, not a Christian one but a non-religious one. But she refuses - she does not think anything beneficial will come out of it - i.e. she will not change her views about pornography.

Any feedback, advice, comments, criticisms would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Mark

by mark2276 2 Posts
Posted on 2/27/2008 5:41 PM

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Tags: pornography , deciding , christianity

Answers for "Divorcing over pornography?" (13) (You must be logged in to answer)

Hi,I think your wife must be feeling extreamly insecure and I can empahise with her, if she feels you are not attracted to her and looking at other women to fulfil your needs. Do you have an active sex life??
I do think she is being a little extream in her reaction but my husband used to like us looking at porn together as it was exciting, but I have recently found out he is and has been visiting prostitues for perverted favours which has totally blown my world apart, as I thought we were happy. I only realised last week and havnt confronted him yet so im in limbo too.
So you can see there are cicumstances that can progress on to other things. I do feel her relgion may pay a part in this and would also encourage a non regious counsellor. Your so called sex addiction as you described sounds to be as a normal way of achiving a sexual release as i asume your wife wont go near you at the moment. My thoughts are with you. k

by kathryndav 4 Posts
Posted on 6/10/2009 5:53 AM

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WOW! I'm going through the same thing, in a way with my husband. I told him that I don't think I'd have such a hard time wiht him and porn if he didn't hide it from me. But since he hides it from me and won't tell me about it, it makes me upset and self consious. He looks at the chicks with big tits ( I do not), even when we are out in public he stares at the women with big tits.
I was devistated when I first found out about it. My husband won't even go into sex stores, but yet he'll do this.
And when I still find it, it breaks my heart.
Why do men hide it? Are we women doing something wrong to our men to make them look at porn?

by Thepinklady 3 Posts
Posted on 5/4/2009 12:48 AM

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You sure are "addicted" to porn and masturbation. You're also "addicted" to food and air. There is no way you can stop your sexual feelings. They are a natural part of you that you cannot suppress them the way she wants. There are two kinds of men - those that say they look at porn and masturbate - and those that lie about it.
Your wife has some very serious psychological issues. Her problems sound severe. I don't envy you having to deal with that. She also seems to have a need to control you. She needs to get help.
You married her and promised to stay with her for better or worse. If I were you I would feel honor bound to keep that pledge. But if you are lucky enough that she divorces you - count your blessings and run.

by peace99 145 Posts
Posted on 3/7/2009 3:13 PM

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For some women, looking at other women in 2D is the same as looking at another woman in real life - there is nothing distinguishing one from the other.

You had to have learned along the line somewhere that women & men are sexaully hardwired differently. You can't expect her to understand your view on porn...for a woman, to look at a man is to want HIM. It isn't about the act itself - it isnt' about "release"...it is about intimacy...and to her looking at any other woman is cheating because she can't possibly understand how you couldn't "want" these other women over her - esp if you are masturbating to them.

However not only did you "cheat" on her in her mind, you lied right to her face. You hid your acts - and that is probably worse than using the porn itself.

You damaged her self esteem feeling as if she wasn't enough to "do it" for you - even in times of sexual drought - but then you trampled on her worse by betraying a marital foundation - trust.

She feels you have an addiction because you hide you use - making it look as if you are ashamed...you can say it was to spare her feelings all you want but you can't lie, get caught, then lie and get caught AGAIN....it shows a pattern. It also puts out in big bold red flag that you don't care about how she feels.

A way to help you understand - is there a food you can't stand to eat that you have told her you don't like? I'm sure she avoids cooking it - or if she does, she doesn't sit there and force you to eat it, no matter how much it makes you choke....

you can't force your wife to put up with your porn use when you were not honest with her about your use from the very get go. She has a right to how she feels largely based on how you handled it in the first place.

Do I think you have an addiction? No. I do think you have a problem with boundaries and respect though. I suggest marital counseling to start - not the extreme of that program.

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 3/7/2009 2:23 PM

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What your doing isn't the problewm here. And, it is not all that uncommon for men to look at porn. However, you are not off the hook with that. The real problem here is that you and your wife never truely defined what is cheating and what is not. looking at porn would be okay if, and only if, your wife didn't have a problem with it. You should have discussed it before it ever came up on its own. That way you would have known where the boundary was and clearly what was expected of you.

The fact that you mention that you were able to hide it from your wife indicates that you knew she would not like it and you choose to do it anyway. If it were okay with her it would not be something you would have to hide.

by Greatdad 555 Posts
Posted on 3/7/2009 1:41 PM

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I dissent. I think that porn is a huge problem because it detracts from intimacy in the relationship. Moreover, I think your attitiude sucks. Basically, you took vows to be with this woman, to love and honor her, foresaking all others....but your marriage is not as important to you as maintaining your porn 2-3 times per week. SOrry buddy, but YOu are the one with the problem, not her. There should be a compromise but I dont hear YOU compromising either. You went through a program which obviously did nothing for you since you were back at it regardless of the consequences. I think that people are very selfish today and that marriages fail because people refuse to acknowledge how their own behavior harms, damages or detracts from the relationship. If I were your spouse and porn was an ongoing issue (which it is and was), I would divorce you to. My Hb preferred mb online to having sex with his beautiful wife. The problems are with intimacy, its not normal. Its selfish and childish. Sorry.

by AnaBella72 193 Posts
Posted on 3/7/2009 12:29 PM

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First of all, You should definitely get out of this marriage if you truly feel that you are doing nothing wrong. There is nothing worse than going through the motions just to make your wife happy, just like you tried. If you truly loved your wife, I believe that you would do whatever it takes to save your marriage and if 2-3 times a week of viewing porn means more to you than saving your marriage, I would file for divorce, asap, you are only hurting her because she has expressed to you how she feels and you feel justified in your actions then you should go seperate ways and it shouldn't be that hard for you. Porn is only okay with the other parnter agrees to it. Good luck.

by sgirl 1 Post
Posted on 7/25/2008 9:15 AM

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This sounds like you are at an impass for sure. What I don't understand is the "infidelity" factor. There are two people in your marriage (you and her) and if you are having relations with either one you are still within your marriage right? Your body is your own.

by itmustbeme 422 Posts
Posted on 2/28/2008 12:21 PM

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I was like your wife when me and my fiance first got serious. He had playboy issues, movies and even looked it up on MY laptop. I was upset about it, it made me feel like I wasnt doing enough in the bedroom. I sat down one day and talked to him about it, and I looked deep inside and realized just because he likes looking at porn doesn't mean he loves me any less, we both need our alone time. So i started letting him take pictures and video taping our bedroom activities and even ordered him playboy tv. I now have realized i'd rather him stay at home and watch porn than go out to a strip club or find another woman to please him.

by BandysGirl 37 Posts
Posted on 2/28/2008 8:56 AM

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I do think your wife needs to lighten up a little. I would not appreciate the fact if my husband was looking at porn 2 to 3 times a week, but would try and meet in the middle somehow. I agree with you about seeing a non-christian counselor with your wife. How is your sex life with your wife? She needs to look at herself and try and spice up your sex life a little if you are looking elsewhere.

by Bea4 406 Posts
Posted on 2/27/2008 9:43 PM

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Thanks tato and zyd for your responses. You're right, there is no half-way point for her. To her that would be compromising and with sexual stuff, "compromise" is the dirtiest word to a devout Christian like her. (I consider myself to be a Christian but still am ok with my sexual views - I tried explaining that to another Christian once and got the biggest shame/guilt lecture)

I think I am realizing the inevitable that we are too different to co-exist together as a married couple. Its still very sad for me.

I think I am going through the stages of grief and I am still not there yet on the acceptance part.

thanks again for your comments

by mark2276 2 Posts
Posted on 2/27/2008 9:41 PM

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Well... if she is not going to meet you in the middle it is going to be difficult to work it out cause your approach is so different... don't know what may work for your situation unless you both meet somewhere in between.

by Tato 417 Posts
Posted on 2/27/2008 8:04 PM

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I don't understand this feeling that women have. I guess I'm just from a different generation or maybe it's just because I like porn myself but her unwillingness to even accept the basic male urge to masturbate (sans porno I mean) seem that she is not meeting you half way. Maybe you should suggest seeing a counselor that is not Christian based. Just an idea. I am guessing she will not go for it but you can let her know that she is not working with you and that it's unfair. Remind her marriage is a series of compromises and if she is not willing to at least hear the other side from a professional how is she doing her part. Perhaps your ideologies are just too different. I'm no expert by the way, having my own issues but just my two cents.

by zyd 3 Posts
Posted on 2/27/2008 7:26 PM

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