Feel horrible and don't know what to do

Hi again Lisa,
I viewed your profile but didn't see where I could post on your wall.  Not that familiar with this.  Thank you so much for your valued advice.  My husband confronted me about the affair in 2008 and said that someone saw me look disheveled.  I know the situation he is referring to.  There was an activity that my child participated in that I attended after I left the man that I was seeing.  So...although no one would ever know who I was seeing or would have ever seen me with this man there are things there to suggest that I did have an affair.  There is no working things out with my husband.  I decided to see if he could be trusted and if he truly wanted to work things out so I returned only to find him with this woman again.  Now I'm trying to move on with my life and began counseling this week.  I have decided on my own that when the time is right I may tell my oldest son the truth since he did ask.  He would be able to handle it whereas the younger one wouldn't. 

My oldest son told me that he had a conversation with his dad and told him if he married this woman their relationship would never be the same.  I just can't understand how a man could risk losing EVERYTHING for another woman.

HI Confused - 

Sorry it took me so long to answer.  This site doesn't emial us updates to threads so I had to look it up myself.

My advice is based on both.  I didn't tell my son the truth about why his Dad and I split until he was an adult.  It would have damaged their relationship and not benefited him in any way.

Is there a reason you are afraid your kids might find out?  You said that no one knows but you.  If that's the case, then have faith and let it go.  I see no benefit to the kids in telling them.  Do you?  If you just feel you need to clear the air, don't.  That is not helpful.

As to your husbands desire to reunite...  that is your call.  I don't see how it will be possible unless both of you are really committed to try again and attend counseling both individually and as a couple.  Too many issues to just overlook and get back together.

Think hard.  Let me know what you think.  You can post on my wall so I will get the message.

Best - 
Lisa 

I would say never volunteer any information about the affair. These "kids" are near adults. It is going to be up to them as adults and their father to figure out how to have a decent relationship on their own terms. I echo what many others have told you.

Hi Lisa,
I want to do what is best for my children regardless of how it may effect the outcome of a divorce.  My husband seems to want to try and work things out but I don't see where that would be possible.  There is just too much that has happened in our marriage, there is no compatibility, and we both need to realize we need to give it up and that we have tried but failed.  I doubt he would be interested in working things out anyway if he knew that I also had an affair and that he is the one being made to look like the bad guy here.  What if they were to find out some other way that I also had an affair?  Would the damage be worse by going ahead and telling them or by lying to them and they find out later that their mom did lie to them?  Remember, my oldest did ask if I also have had an affair.  It's so hard to know if you are doing what's in their best interest.  Is your advice based on prior experiences as a counselor or based on as a woman would think?  What I'm trying to say is that the bond between a mother and child is different than that between father and son...mothers think differently when it comes to their children.

Hi Confused -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on  D360. 

Your desire for your children and their father to have a good relationship is honorable, but it is no longer your affair.  Your husband will have to find a way to mend the issues he has with his children in his own way and in his own time. 

You didn't break their relationship and you can't fix it.  Getting yourself in the middle of something that is no longer your concern will only make it more complex for all of you.  You and your husband are separate beings now and must create your own individual relationships with your kids.

As regards your guilt over your indescretions...  You need to let go.  I see no benefit in confessing your sins to your kids.  It will make them feel much worse and will give you no relief.  If it will help, go to church or temple and ask for forgiveness from your higher power.  Telling your kids that their Mom has done the same hurtful deed as their Dad could be  a crushing blow to their self esteem. 

Think hard about this issue.  Would you have wanted to know all the details about problems your parents had?  Some things that happen in relationships are private between spouses.  This may be one of them.  If your husband hadn't been found out by his son I doubt either of you would have told him the facts. 

Let me know what you think
Best -
Lisa

Well, you can't lie to one son and tell the truth to the other...then neither will know what to think when they compare notes.  18 may be a legal adult, but still young enough to not quite know all of life's complexities.

You should come clean and tell both your kids the truth...maybe not right this minute, but you do need to do that.  If you aren't ready to tell them and they ask questions, you can give them an evasive answer until the time is right.  Then you come clean with them...both of them.  You and your stbx have both been decieving them and there will probably be some initial resentment when you tell them, but the important thing is to, from this moment forward, be honest with them about you and your actions.  Own them, good and bad.  It's all you can do...whatever your stbx does will be on him.  But, even if your kids don't agree with what you've done, they will respect you for being open and honest with them...may take a little bit, but they will respect that.

If you have any doubts, try to put yourself in their shoes...if it were your parents that this was happening to, what would you want to know?  A lie?  Or the truth?  How much information would you want?  Some things in divorce are your and your stbx's business, not theirs.  So, you will have to decide what info to tell them and what to keep between you and your stbx...and you and your stbx should discuss that before you talk to your boys.  Perhaps you and your stbx should talk to them together...have you both there and answering questions, if feasable...that way, it shows them that you are united in this and that you both are owning your responsibility for the marriage's failure.

The one that has shut his dad out is 18.  The one that is 21 is much like his dad and thinks that I should file and that the two of us are nothing alike.  But he actually came right out and asked me if I was/am having an affair and I told him no.  I hated lying to him and it's generally not my nature but I just didn't know what to do.  Just as you said Blue, I don't want their lives falling apart anymore than it already has.  The youngest went to stay with a friend for a couple of days and I wonder now if maybe his sibling shared his thoughts with him on my infidelity.

On the one hand, your husband is responsible for his actions and the consequences that befall.  On the other, so are you.  I think you should tell your son, one day, but now is not the time.  Don't lie to him, and if he does ask you point blank if you had an affair yourself, you tell him the truth...but no need to volunteer your own infidelity right now.  The reason I say that is that he most likely feels that your stbx's infidelity is a betrayal to him (and so it is) and is still in shock from the recent discovery.  Give him some time to come to terms with it...if you confess your infidelity, he could shut himself off from both of you.  You said he's grown...how old?