What to do and where to turn

good luck - might want to look on the directory here for attorneys in your area for some consultations....

thank you all for your help and your advice. i planed on paying the house and car payment for a while anyway since she doesnt work. but thank you all for the support and guidence. I know i am making the right decision for her and myself. This is just an unhealthy relationship that we both need to let go of.

Hi Greaseman -

I have read over all the additional facts you have added since you first posted.  I understand that you have already made up your mind.  

You may be paying the house and car payments for a while due to the down market.  After you have a chat with your wife you may feel differently.  Be open to whatever you feel and think carefully about what you are going to do.

Maybe you should seek some legal advice before making any changes in your living situation.  

Good luck in your decision.

Best -
Lisa

well im gonna tell her that i will pay the house payment and the car payment untill her mom gets a job and can help pay the bills or untill she sells the house whichever she decides to do. but there is no turning back im done because this is what is best for both of us.

WOW! From what you say my STBX and your wife have very similar communication methods and skills (or the lack thereof). So you have my sympathy and empathy. With us, every argument ended with me feeling like a piece of dis-respected dog-doo. And once STBX got on a roll, there was no stopping her except to physically move her from my path to the door and take a long "cooling off" walk.

If you are such a lousy person she has to continually beat on you verbally, and doesn't want you to take a "cooling off" break, I wonder why she doesn't want a divorce?

So, assuming she doesn't, I'd say her behavior is unacceptable. Have her mom and sister witnessed these outbursts? What do they think? And, out of curiosity, did her mom behave this way torwards her dad?

With my STBX, I believe the behavior was "inherited" from her mom, as I heard her dad also had quite a bit of continuing drywall repair work to do.

I suspect you don't love her "in that way" any longer because she has verbally beaten it out of you. I hate to tell you to get a divorce, but something has to change. Most certainly, you don't want to keep getting angry enough to smash walls or hit people. As spaznskitz points out, the latter can land you in jail.

Before running for the hills, now that I know what I didn't know before, some time when she is not in "attack mode", I would try to get her to understand that from your perspective the marriage is over if you as a couple don't learn how to communicate (argue) more constructively (less destructively).

There are many counselors specializing in communication skills. If she won't acknowledge this as a problem, and agree to get help, then she's just following what she believes is acceptable behavior. And since you know it is not, you are doomed if you stay in the marriage.

Take care, and good luck. Keep us posted.

Ok gotcha - if it has gotten physical then yes, it IS time to end things - it will only get worse. You are lucky you didn't end up in jail for that.

How close is she to getting her disability? because quite frankly, with the financial nightmare that has been created and being underneath a house and a car and only one income - you guys might not be able to divorce simply because the numbers won't let you.

 

 

no its been like this before they moved in with us. and she is important to me just not in that way anymore. and actually my friends arent really saying anything to me its more they didnt have to they just had to be there for me to show me what i needed to see and what i should have seen a long time ago. besides that i dont get the same feelings for her anymore like i use to. im not attracted to her anymore and im  tired of all the arguing. and when i try to leave to cool down and let her cool down she gets in my way and wont let me leave. i hit her one time and I admit that was a huge mistake, so i have to get away before it gets that bad again. i dont like hitting women and I dont want to. i just snapped that day and rather snap again i would just rather leave. only because of everything like the car, house, 2 dogs, sil, mil, and a few others i am still here or i would be gone already.

Yanno - I gotta wonder - you two are young, in your 20's - it's really hard to say that either of you could have mastered the art of effective communication by now...

You have your friends yapping in your ears - she has her mother and sister yapping in hers - and by the time the two of you are around each other you are both worked up to the point where there isn't talk - there is just frustration and anger...I think thanks to outsiders the two of you have lost sight of what is truly important - each other.

She is dealing with her injury (which can cause depression and a loss of self worth) you are dealing with being overworked and over tired - neither of you have any space whatsoever having inlaws living with you - with the exception of the bathroom on occasion and I wouldn't doubt even the there are are interruptions.

It's understandable to love someone, but not like them for a while - that is the natural ebb and flow of marriage and relationships in general - but it is the bad times that you get through that truly make a marriage stronger.

I don't think you should leave yet - I don't even think that you should say you want to leave yet - it should be more along the lines of something has to change - and the two of you should seek marital counseling before divorce lawyers. There are far too many outside influences affecting what is probably a very stong core relationship. Learning a better way to communicate could solve a lot of the problems you have.

i will i just have to find the right time to do it. not before school or work or after either as well. on my only day off will have to work.

I agree with LIP- you need to talk to your wife- explain how you feel . Be honest.

I am not just listening to my friends or anyone. I have been unhappy for a while I just didnt want to see it till now. I will talk to her about it here in a few. I am tired of her crap and I need out before I go crazy. She makes me so mad I end up punching a hole in the wall because when i tell her to leave me alone she doesn't she keeps on and keeps on to the point I want to hit her and rather hit her i hit the wall. so its not just a decision i have made its more like a decision I have to make for my own sanity as well as my health and ability to think clearly. I didn't want it to come to this but i have talked to her about her attitude toward me before and all she wanted to do was yell at me about it. I have finally had enough and I am done.  I just dont know how to go about makeing sure that she doesnt lose absolutly everything.

It sounds like your mind is already made up.  You're not looking for a way to mend the marriage, you're looking for the easiest way out.

At the very least please sit down with your wife and tell her exactly why you want out of the marriage.   I have a feeling that even if she were to say she'd change and be more laxed about things you'd still want out.  Luckily you guys don't have children so that will make the divorce less complicated.

But in the end, don't listen to just your friends or just her family, but listen to yourself, your wife.

well actually it has nothing to do with them at all i dont mind them being here. its my wife. she is constantly nagging at me to do stuff even though im the only one in the house that works and i also go to school and she wont let me spend any time with my friends or help them out with their computers since that is what im going to school for. im just tired of the relationship. its been like this for a bit over 3 years which is why i said i shouldnt have gotten married in the first place. we been together for over 4 years total. were engaged for 3yrs b4 we did get married. oh and another twist to the story is that my wife can't work she hurt her spine at work and is fighting workmans comp and disability. if i were to kick her sister out we would either lost the house or the new car her sis helps pay the bills. but it was my friends that showed me that i deserve better. and i believe i do now. i am finally seeing what i should have seen the entire time.

Hi Greaseman -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360.

You married 5 months ago your mother in law and sister in law moved into your house?  Why?May I suggest that before you decide to divorce your wife that you ask her to have her mother and sister move out and live on their own.

You may think you are being the nice guy here but newlyweds need a great deal of space to adjust to the realities of being married.  And one thing they don't need is in laws living with them, whether it's SIL or MIL.  That doesn't give you and your wife the time you need to learn how to be husband and wife, to develop your own rhythm as a couple and to explore your own feelings for one another.  All couples have problems the first year.  Being married is a huge adjustment.

Talk to your wife and let her know that living with her family is not working for you and you would like them to move out.  Tell her that it is making life too difficult and that you don't think you will be able to continue in the marriage if they stay.  Explain to her that you and she need a great deal of alone time as a newly married couple to adjust to being married and that her family is interfering with that process.  

Let me know if there are more issues than you originally explained in your post, in case I didn't get the full story, before you chat with her. 

Best -
Lisa