I'm cheating and I don't know what to do

The decision to end this marriage isn't just yours to make.   Come clean with your husband and make the decision to move forward together - even if the moving forward means the end of the marriage. 

From someone who just went through this, all I wanted in the end was for my husband to honor me as a human being.  Show your spouse the respect he deserves: as your spouse, your friend, the father of your children and as a fellow human being.

ps.  Do this without the other guy.  He's a snake for getting involved.  If he's not a snake, he'll put his "love life" on hold for you until you can pull it together.  Even if that means you won't be with him anymore.  Don't you deserve to be with someone like that?

Respect yourself.

Come clean with God.  Go to confession.  Go home and make your marriage work.  This other guy is a snake in the grass.  Be careful.  No decent man or woman would help you wreck a home.  Be the role model for your kids.

First of all, understand that men think differently to women! This guy may be texting you and calling you, but he's stated that he's not interested in a committed relationship with you.
Separate the two issues.
Issue no 1: You no longer love your husband and are open to extra-marital affairs. This in itself should tell you something. Either get counseling or commit to your marriage. If you're sure there's absolutely no love left, there's little point in dragging things out.
Issue 2: This guy is unlikely to be interested in you once you leave your husband. 
Decide what you want. 

Sadwife I do applaud you for bringing this subject up and do understand why it happened. My stbx became friends with the OM and then became his confidant. Once thishappned he used what she was telling him to turn her against me which then resulted in a sexual relationship which destroyed my marriage. He is married and has no intention of leaving his wife for her. once our divorce is finalised he will be leaving my stbx. People who know him have told me that he has openly told his friends this.
Be careful, there are many men who enjoy getting into a relationship with a married woman as there is no commitment. They will find your emotional weakness and exploit it, making you blieve they are the best thing that ever happened to you and will break your heart once they leave you. A word to lolla, you sound just like my stbx but read what I have written .. you might soon be a very sorry woman.

I wish I could fall out of love with my husband. He's put me through the worst hell imaginable, has become a horrible, evil person, has treated me like shit, has left me destitute. Why do I still cry over him and want the man I married back (NOT this guy whose divorcing me)?

I'm envious that you fell out of love with your husband. If I could do that then this whole divorce/betrayal would be so much easier for me.

Sadwife. I have worked with some couples who have gone through the same things you have. No matter what your husband deserves the truth. When you wrote of him you describe him in terms that showed respect and affection if not passion but also said your relationship is rocky and I am not sure what that means.

Ask your self are you totaly out of love for him? If so why? What drew you to him in the first place? Could he be that man again?

Has something changed in you that makes you feel this way?

If your marriage improved could you be happy?

As for your BF I would warn you against pinning your hopes and dreams on him - I have seen that end badly too often.

Take care

I have to comment on this and say in partial defense that I am in this type of situation.  With me it's a bit different, as my husband refused to go to counseling, and continued doing the things that made our relationship fail in the first place.  Maybe sometime I'll share my experience, in the meantime lighten up, you don't know what this lady is feeling.

What is it with you women and the whole "Im falling out of love with my husband" deal.
Are you all so insecure you need to hear sweet lies from some coward who prey's on women like you? Here's what I think you should do. Spare your husband and children your dramatics, get the divorce, don't squeeze your husband for every dime he has and take his kid's away from him. Keep what minimal self respect you have and disappear.

My wife gave told me about three weeks ago that "she did not love me."  It was so out of the blue since we spend almost all our time together with our young daughter. 

She did not tell me about her two other boyfriends that she is communicating with.  She tells them how unhappy she is in our marriage and very intimate details of her life.  She never told me anything.  When I found out she says that nothing physicial has happened yet...hard to believe that given that she thinks she wants to "be with" one of these guys.

The pain is horrible for both my daughter and me.  My wife is feeling guilty and has agreed to see a counselor.  Why could she not talk to me.  We were "best friends."  These guys just want to get in her pants.

I believe cheating is just wrong.  I also think people do not take their vows seriously enough.  We don't promise to stick around until it's not exciting anymore.  If that's what you want, then you shouldn't have gotten married, and if you did get married, you should keep your promises.  BTW,  I am not an advocate of staying in abusive marriages, but out-of-love with a decent person, yes. 

A lot of people in our society seem to have forgotten that unless happiness comes as a result of doing what is right, it really is selfish and has no value.  As a parent, this sets a horrible example for kids.  And it doesn't matter if the kids actually know we are doing something wrong, it really does go to integrity.  And, no, I am not a religious conservative.  I just see people making so many self-centered decisions, and acting as if their perceived happiness is somehow of more value than that of their spouse and kids.  When you are married and/or have a family, it is NEVER only about you.

I want to know why everyone insists that therapy will help in situations like this. 

A therapist is only going to guide you to your own answer, you will arrive there despite the $100 per hour s/he charges.  I should know I am a therapist.  (substance abuse counsellor). 

Anyway, you should tell your husband the truth because you will undermine your relationship with him while the truth is hidden.  Also, if the sex that you have with the other man is unprotected, your husband deserves the right to protect himself from the dangers of unprotected sex. 

You must remember that you are sleeping with everyone your sexual partners are sleeping with. 

You should not presume to make those type of choices for your spouse especially if you are considering a divorce.

My personal feeling is that you should talk to your husband and try to find out why the "thrill is gone" so to speak.  Attempt to revive it.  Love that led to marriage once shouldn't be so fleeting.

Peace to you.

Your husband deserves better than you. All these people that say they are not in love with their spouse, can't stand their touch. You are the problem with your relationship. But you are also the ones that can start to solve the problem. But you usually choose to commit adultery and I'm sure that solves everything. Because once it is found out and it usually is, destroys the marriage breaks apart a family and causes hatred and pain beyond belief, but then you are truly free to be "happy". You really do need to divorce your husband since you don't mind being a cheater. You may feel some regret for the first one but the first one makes the second one easier, once a cheater always a cheater. Again, he deserves the truth and someone with better morals than you.

i am telling any of you, if you are having an affair, get out now! i have been having an affair for the last 8 years, and it was revealed 3 weeks ago tonight. it has the the worst 3 weeks of our lives, and the other person is never worth the amount of gutlevel pain and anguish you will inflict on your children and spouse.. STOP NOW!!! it is too much pain. my husband has been amazing, and i have discovered in 3 weeks how much i loved my husband, and we are again IN LOVE, and i am feeling all those crazy hormonal things again with the man i married, it can come back, i never thought it would.. DO THE RIGHT THING....take it from me, i have living it for 3 tragic weeks!!! your kids will never forget this..please give it up!

Well I think you can see you've touched on a very sensitive area. No judgement from me either. Yes, I've been cheated on, but I also knew my relationship was crap when I got married. Why did I do it then? Why do any of us? It seems like we're locked on a path with someone after awhile, and we do what we think we "should" instead of what's best for us. But, now you're in this situation. Come on, sister, take responsibility...you say you weren't looking for it, and it "found you", but you opened the door and invited it in. You needed some attention and love. I know how that feels too. Problem is, no matter who you choose, your relationships will always go in cycles...up, then down, then flatlined, then up again, etc. Sometimes you'll hate each other, and others, well, you'll be so thankful for just one ally in this big messy world. No marriage can survive without friendship and trust. Stop seeing/talking to/relating with the other guy, just for now. Good for you, you got into therapy. Work yourself out, girl. Don't tell your husband yet, not until you know what it is about you that made you feel you needed this. If you choose to work it out with your husband, my suggestion is DON'T tell him. You did this, and it should be YOUR burden to carry. Honesty is NOT always the best policy, because he will never get past it, and the trust will never be there again. Suffer your guilt in silence, and in therapy. Let him be secure in his own life. As long as you can assure you'll never do it again, don't tell him. If you just can't help yourself from thinking about this other guy, you know, the one who doesn't want a relationship with you, and sweet talks you because that's what guys do with women that seem needy, then get a divorce first, get your kids and yourself situtated, then do whatever you want. Whatever you choose, good luck to you. You'll be the one saddled with the choice either way. If he's such a great guy, then work on your marriage.

Auntbirdy,loved your comment and so very true.The affair is not real life.Once real life happens,than a persons true character emerges.

RVIER, i MAY KISS YOUR ASS BUT i'M NOT THE ONE WHO WILL NEED TO GET SHOTS OR CREAM FOR GETTING AN STD FOR ALLOWING CHEATING. sO KISS MY ASS, IT'S CLEANER THAN YOURS BECUASE i DON'T CHEAT.

I agree with some in the area that you need to stop the affair . Stop the other relationships and any other that might arise until you settle things with your husband.
Realize that you are on a site that many people are  hurting because their spouses had an affair. Undertand that their advise comes from a broken heart. They are trying to tell you what your huband will go thru. It is a tough place to be.
So ..if you are sure that you do not want to stay married then get a divorce. If there is a chance of saving your marriage then work on it , go to counseling...and make a go of it.
What I will tell you is that the grass may appear greener on the other side but it is not. This other person was using you for his needs and does not want a relationship. You needed to feel loved ( hey havent we all been there?) and this person caught you at a weak moment. It happens that way in many marriages.
We all have needs that need to be met..and when our spouse is not doing that then it is easy to find someone who will. This is not just sex but being heard...accepted..and loved.
So take this seriously. There is a lot at stake here, including you losing custody of your kids etc.
Let us know what you decide.

I don't know you, but I do know men and women pretty well.

Men may act contrary to their words, but what they say is always what they mean. Women, on the other hand, will say what they think scores points but act according to their true feelings. The classic problem between the sexes is that we all assume the other is the same as us.

You think deep, meaningful conversation equals a relationship that is more than just sex. Of course he's sweet to you, he wants sex. And if being sweet means you have great sex, he'd be stupid not to act that way.

It is not my place to tell you what to do, but you asked. The decision you're facing is one many have had to make: Is the bird in the hand (your husband) better than two in the bush (your tomcat). But comparing the two is apples to oranges. You have to ask yourself what you want. Do you want the stress of juggling two men for the false sense of security it provides, or are you willing to take a stand that could end in you losing both men? That's a question only you can answer.

Chances are, I'm going to be bashed right along with you, but people like that Christopher dude, quite frankly, can kiss my ass.

Now, granted, I don't know the full story as to why you cheated.  Me?  I'd never looked to cheat either.  Quite frankly, reading your post was like having a session of deja vu.  I'd not looked to cheat, and yet after a couple years of mental/emotional and verbal abuse and being with my husband for almost 4 years, suddenly I met the man who is now my boyfriend.  I finally reached my enough point with my husband and decided to be with the man who is everything I've ever wanted in a man and more.

Was it wrong to cheat?  Yes.  Undeniably.  He and I both know that.  Was it wrong for you to cheat?  Yes.  But I'm not someone who judges other people harshly for things that I'm just as guilty of.

 

As for what you should do, it's a very hard thing to figure out.  It's a scary step to take to decide to get a divorce.  I'd never wanted to be a divorce statistic along with so many others.  I'd wanted my marriage to last.  But both my husband and I had equal hand in the destruction of it.  I think that part of your emotional turmoil also stems from guilt.  I could be wrong, I could be right.  I dunno.  But I do know that you need to decide what you want and try to not drag it out, which was what I did.  I've dragged this out too long.  And it just makes the pain even worse.  And take responsibility for yourself.  I can't stress that enough.  If you need to vent more but don't want random assholes bashing on you "wah-wah"ing about  "Well I was in an abusive relationship for longer than God's been alive and I didn't cheat" bullshit, shoot me a message, 'k?  I have no pity for them either, since they CHOSE to stay in that situation.  Maybe they just wanted pity or something.  *shrug*

I'm sorry, but I don't feel sorry for you at all. 5 years and you cheat. I was with my wife for 14 and she is mentally abusive, abusive and a lot more, but I never cheated. I don't care what reason that you have, it's not an excuse to cheat. If you got issues to bad becuase the first issue you got is that you're a cheater. Deal wth that first. I have been in a living hell in 14 years and cheating never came into play. If you that I am beeing mean, I'm writting nice, those who who know me will tell you that. You're a cheater, No excuses or tears for you.

Sad Wife

I am not going to bash you  make you feel  bad  for  what you have done For  I have  walked in your shoes . First you know what to do or  you would not have asked . Your Lover  actually answered for you.  Walk away from your  lover .There is no perfect marriage There is no perfect  relationship.  Once  two people  become one, Start a family there is life and reality  Bills, fights, stress, kids, inlaws making you crazy, lait fees, economy  troubles,  Your lover already said  it HE WANTS NO RELATIONSHIP  BASICALLY  HE WANTS SEX ONLY. Your not inlove with this  guy ! Your inlove with  the romance , the no  responsibility,  no pressure,  He is your boy toy amusement park & the entrance  fee is your life & relationship of your marriage and your kids life.  Once I was found out My  Spouse said he forgave me But he did not  15 years later it still lingers over us like a  nuclear cloud waiting to explode every time I speak. i wish i had never cheated , Cheating is not  the answer to ending or fixing a marriage. End the relationship. If You want out of your marriage get out for you not  for some other man .  A man who does not want you anyway for nothing but sex. Sex you  can get any place  a relation only comes  along once a in a blue moon. Good luck .  Do not let this  other  guy  use you.  In the end you will be very lonely . Angry at yourself  and  wishing you never did it.
Aunt Birdy

If you suspect your spouse of cheating on you, you'll want to read this.http://www.productsupplycenter.com/web113822/

Ha!  Despite the comments, you will do what you do.  We are funny that way (because no one here knows how you feel and the dynamics, etc). 

Just know what it is you ARE doing: 
You are consciously saying it is okay to devastate and crush your husband.  The shame that a man feels when his wife has an affair is brutal.  He will take a long while to recover.  You are okay with that and you prove it by indulging in this affair.  You are also willing to risk your kids' emotional health.  It will tear your heart and soul apart when your actions become the cause of the distress you will see your kids when "mom and dad split."  And, you are telling your husband and your combined family (yes, they will know), that you are okay with that.

Do this the RIGHT way at least.  End things if you can with the OM, if at least for now.  I know it must be hard if you are in love, but you OWE it to your family and your future happiness and your own future mental health.  And DO NOT tell your husband if you decide to stay married.  Forget it happened and if you can put it behind you, it will just have to be your dark secret.

Still, all that said, you will most likely do what you do and then wonder why later.  I hope not.  Good luck!  It must be a horrible place to be and my heart goes out to you and your family.

It hurts like hell to have your marriage disrespected and thrown away for a cheap fling.  Trust me I know.  My ex did that to me after 17 yrs of marriage together he met someone at work and hooked up with the tramp and thought he was in "love".  I don't actually call that love at all what I call it is lust.  I agree with one post on here that said once the honeymoon phase is over--you will see the true person behind the person you "think" you love.  That true person eventually comes out and you regret what you did.  If he's so willing to mess around with a married woman, then he has poor family values and morales if you ask me.  If he doesn't have a problem with this, then he definitely won't have a problem cheating on you if you guys stay together.  I wouldn't want to base my relationship on an affair because where is the trust going to be?  If you are as unhappy as you say you are then try marriage counseling if you think that'll work to help restore your marriage, if that's out of the question, then please do your husband a favor and file for divorce and don't disrespect him and your marriage by sleepin' around, that's not right.  You need to get out of the marriage first.  My ex cheated and lied to me and it is the worst betrayal I have ever felt from anyone and I thought he was my soul mate and the love of my life--guess not!!  Because noone who loves me would ever treat me this way!!  Every marriage is rocky - it takes two people to work those rocky times out, not one!!  You sit back and do nothing but make excuses, it's going to continue to be rocky.  I would give anything to have a wonderful dad for my kids--their dad is a piece of shit--he'd rather be with his ho than with his kids.  If you say you're not in love with your husband anymore--and my ex told me that trust me--then you need to get out of the marriage and not string him along while you have this fling.  It's not right, not at all!

Cheating is never the answer.  It only creates more issues and problems.  You obviously are a grown person and have made the choice.  But now that you are in deep you are trying to find your way out of the tunnel.

What you need is a flashlight...You made your choice by turning the relationship sexual while you were married.  You could lose a lot when he finds out, and he will, it is just a matter of time.  I hope that it was worth it for you.

Get out of your marriage now if it is not what you want.  Be an adult, not a coward.  Stand up for what you want and stop blaming others.  You and your husband are responsible for the down fall of your marriage, but do not drag him through the mud because you can not decide what you want.