Just found out my wife had an affair

It's very painful and difficult, this situation. But it doesn't happen in a vaccuum. Have you found out WHY she decided to persue this affair?Was there something about the marriage that was making her unhappy? It takes two to make a marriage work, it takes two to mess it up also. Have you two tried counseling? Are either of you making an effort to heal or work on things? Just harboring resentment or deciding that you're going to just be angry because you have a right to be doesn't do anything but make you miserable. And frankly, you're kids are going to know something is up.

So, do SOMETHING. Get counseling for yourself or together. Decided if you both want to stay together or split. Be proactive and you will get past the pain all the faster.

Only you can answer whether or not you are willing to work on your marriage and if you think you can get past what she has done...You can try counseling, but if she isn't willing to put forth the effort required and accept responsibility for what she has done, then you already have your answer...and will know what to do....It takes two to make it work. You can't save it by yourself...We can give advice but only you will know what you are capable of forgiving and moving past...Me? Well, I think I would have tried to forgive him and work on it if he had of given me the chance, but I think it would have destroyed me in the end...I am glad I wasn't given that opportunity now...Good luck and hang in there. Post often, it helps, I promise...Sometimes seeing it in writing and seeing others responses can help a great deal in working it out in your head...Again, good luck.

tuff spot.  sorry for you.  i think spitthedummy hit the nail on the head..  it does sound like she is doing damage control after being caught. she only told you because she was going to be told on.  now all of a sudden he is not the guy she thought he was... bs.  do not trust her.  you can't.  i do not understand people that can tell you how much they love you, while screwing someone else.  been there, got a scarred heart to prove it.   daycare or not... put her out.  you need time to think this threw clearly, and that will be difficult with her bs.  i wouldn't worry about telling the kids anything at this point, since you yourself are not sure.  it sounds like you are a good man, father, and husband.  now you have to be a good analyst.  can you believe her ?? should you believe her ?  will you ever really be able to trust her again ???  i know it hurts, but don't let your love cloud the truth.  if the truth is no to all of the above, you will only be betrayed again.  i wish you well.  stay with this site.  it is good medicine.  and helped me tremendously.  i wish you well.

I am so sorry to hear this dude.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

How can I say this....  when this happened to me, it took over 3 years for me to truly see what kind of abusive, manipulating, narcissistic woman she is.

DO NOT, under any circumstance, take her back.  You need to kick her to the curb and get on with your own and your children's lives.

Take my word for it, the ONLY reason she told you is because she got busted.  Now she is worried about not having security.  If you take her back, she will do it again AS SOON as she finds someone else.  Believe me, I lived through it.

My ex strung me along for almost a year claiming she needed time and wasn't sure.  In the meantime she was living in our home, in the guest room, and boinking 3 different married men until ONE of them agreed to leave his wife.  She is a homewrecker and thinks of no one but herself.

GET your divorce ASAP!  DO NOT allow her to make you feel guilty about ANYTHING.  DO NOT allow her to tell you it was your fault.  Believe me, she will attempt to put all the blame on you.

You need to take this one on the chin, divorce ASAP, and DO NOT give her more than 1/2 of your combined worth.  She will try to make you feel guilty for not taking her back and she will use that to get more $.

I am so sorry, but hang in there and know I'm, here if you need help through this difficult time!

A couple of suspicious things here:

1)  His wife calling you to tell you about the affair.
2)  Your wife, after two years of happily bonking this guy behind your back, all of a sudden realizes she's wrong.

 

Seems a bit convenient.  Sounds like his wife caught him out and has gotten him to break it off with your wife.  Now she has no lover to turn to (him) and is at severe risk of losing her meal ticket (you) so she's doing damage control.

What would have happened if he had not gotten caught?  Would she still be happily running around with him and playing you for a fool? 

If you do decide to reconcile, it's going to take some heavy-duty counseling and work for both of you. 

Well dude you can let it go and beleive what she says or you can go with your gut . I am saying this because  you are the one that has to live with her. Ok the only reason she called and told you was becuase the OM wife was going to call you. Hmm would it have kept going on if the OM wife did not call or find out. I guess the main question is this what was the hole  she had to have filled? hmmmmmmmm she had to be thinking of this guy alot before she decided to go to him. what more did she want other than what she already had. I say she would have never told you if she and the OM would not have gotten caught because what you have the same things you had before she done this except less trust. What filled the hole in her life she got caught is all.

Don't get married & never co-sign a credit card!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwoZBQkA9O4   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YYvvQWW4Bw&feature=related   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgS4s8uY_p8   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1E3PwEXAGc   http://www.themenscenter.com/busterb/dont_get_married.htm   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHx7lbyeoGM   http://www.perkel.com/pbl/married/index.htm   http://cis.org/marriagefraud   http://marriagefraud.net/index.htm

The same happened to me on Jan. 20, 2009.  Keep her, if she is really sorry, she is worth it.  I hope I have a repentant wife soon.  No one is imperfect and you will never regret it.  My sons are grown and are a reward daily.

I'm so very sorry that all of U are going through this so undeserved pain. I say undeserved because (WS) Wayward Spouses should have divorced you before deciding to cheat, or commit ADULTERY if U are/were married. And believe me, it's NOT your fault (BS) Betrayed Spouses. It doesn't matter what U did or didn't say. It doesn't matter what U did or didn't do. I KNOW it's hard right now, and it wont get any easier any time soon, but there IS hope. And From my own experience and many other (BS) I've talked to, there are really ONLY 6 factors to consider. #1. Have the (WS) cheated MORE than once in ur relationship? If so, CUT THEM OFF because they will more than likely cheat again. #2.Do u love, and want to stay with (WS), and do they feel the same way too? If YES, #3. Can u forgive(WS)? If not, reconciliation will be impossible because u would continually through the betrayal in there faces. #4. If applicable, you MUST TELL the (OBS) Other Betrayed Spouse. This is paramount for a couple of reasons. A. They, just like u, have a God Given RIGHT to know! B. What enables continued infidelity, and what is built on? Secrecy, lies, and deception. Telling the (OBS) would minimize chances of continued contact. Which brings me to #5. NO CONTACT. If your (WS) even acts like she/he has intentions of contacting the (OWS). Cut Them Off immediately! And #6. Do U think that u will ever be able to TRUST (WS) again, and believe that he/she could ever earn the (FWS) Former Wayward Spouse opposed to (WS)? If not, then pack ur bags or theirs, because w/out TRUST there's nothing left to salvage. In closing, please do NOT use the kids as the ultimate decision to STAY. As they are WAY smarter than u think. They can feel the lack of love and they hear the fighting. They would be served better (Last Resort) living in split peace than in volatile togetherness.  I wish u all the very best, and I hope that TIME does it's job.(It really does HEAL). But for now, voice Ur pain. U ARE ENTITLED.

I feel your pain, anger, frustration.  My told me in 2007 about a sexual affair she had at work back in 2000.  We started counseling and I believe worked through it.  However, last week she told me that when we started counseling in 2007 she had to break off an email affair at work.  Her and a coworker had been emailing questions and responses about sexual positions, body part sizes, and even taking threesomes.  She said she ended it.  I don't believe her anymore and one thing that is very important to me is honesty.  I struggle with leaving or asking her to leave because we have one daughter and my wife is pregnant.  I even question if it is mine.  I don't know what I did to cause this, but I am very frustrated right now and struggling with answers.  If the kids weren't involved the decision would be easy.

How about this what are the risks of HIV/AIDS

Does this other man habitually have meaningless sex
with the wives of other men

Are you in good health-physically,mentally & emotionally

Then the rest in good time-find a safe & HEALTHY way to vent
NOW

Do you really think/feel this is an effective way to heal?

(((hugs))). My heart goes out to you. Mine did it too. It feels like he ripped my heart right out of my body. I feel like Wiley Coyote, getting shot with a cannon and walking around with  a big hole in the middle (gallows humor :-)).

It really does feel like a hole, sadly. It does get better. Good and bad days come and go. Lots of us here feel your pain and would take it away if we could.

hi there, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Do take some time away with the kids and even by yourself to think things through.

My story hasnt ended up well but I wouldnt take back the chance I gave my wife when she had an affair last summer.

We had been together 10 years, married for 7 and she suddenly said she didnt love me, had the affair then couldnt sort out how her life would work out and said the sex wasnt good etc etc.

In any case, after being the hurt one I decided to give her another chance. After all you get married because you love someone, I never expect anyone to be perfect. Yes, trust is very important but so is surviving, all you worked for , and years of being together.

In any case I had a great six months with her until this interest popped up again. Her latest is she loves me but isnt "in love with me" its a common things these days I guess.

She moved out and no papers served yet but the only thing that makes me feel good about all this is that I gave her the chance, I went the extra mile and I held her close and showed her how much I loved her.

I hope that you can find it within you to try working on things or at least consider it.

I know exactly how you feel as a guy as this has been totally killing me as  I dwell on it over and over again. How could this happen?" Why this creep? What is wrong with me etc etc..

Its terrible for a guy (and for a woman I am sure).

At my office I have a rather large client base and have been shocked at similar behavior in lots of women these days.

I think maybe its because with everyone working and under stress, women are just as likely as men to find/see people they like and also feel more open about things.

My sense of commitment seems to be rare out there these days , I ask around and it seems the first sign of a problem people are going running.

Terrible stuff.

I hope you are feeling better soon, take care

Marty

I am now 2 1/2 years beyond the discovery of the affair and my STBX and I are fine friends.  We have to coordinate on things for our daughter and I feel it is too much communication, actually.  It is very hard to move on when you are forced to talk to the person you are divorcing all the time!  I am trying to push through the divorce paperwork at long last.  Why did I wait so long?  My advice, get it done now and quickly.  Your feelings for her will slowly become a rotting void, so there is no sense in holding out.  (That is, if we are all kind of the same on these things).

I guess it took me a LONG time to finally let go.  Being together with her was all I knew since I was 21.  I tried to make it work, but our problem was that SHE became so distrusting and insecure about what I was doing (maybe expecting retaliation).  The flaws I had accepted in her became intolerable.  I had to get out - it felt like I was in jail, suffocating and I just wanted a different life.  I couldn't stand to listen to all of her yapping. =P  I am MUCH happier now, despite still being in a 2-bedroom apartment.  Looking to build a house as soon as I am off of the mortgage and financially free!  Woohoo!

Domina,  I'm sorry for what he put you through.  Your post is exactly what I've been thinking.  No matter what, I will always remember what she did and wonder if she is going to do it again.  Life is too damn short to live like that.  I've come to realize that I deserve better and my kids will be better in the long run.  Thanks for saying what I've been feeling, but couldn't put it to words!

I feel so bad for you. All we can do is pray for you and your family. If this is her first time mabye you can find it in your heart to forgive her. No its not easy but we all women as well as men make mistakes. Mabye you can find out why she felt the need to do this and repair your marriage. Thats if you find it in your heart to stay....

My heart goes out to all of you who have had the unfortunate experience of dealing with a cheating spouse. This is straight from the horse's mouth. Once a cheater always a cheater! When that bond of trust has been broken, there is no kind of glue that is going to hold your relationship together. Even if you decide to give it another try, there will ALWAYS be that nagging question! Is he/she being really faithful? DOUBT will now be taking up residence in your home. Every time you look at your spouse, eat with your spouse, make love to them, not be in their presence, your mind will wander. It's a living torture! Lord have mercy, are you really willing to test your sanity?
Obviously, your beloved has breached their side of your marriage committment. Once a spouse has crossed those boundaries, put a fork in it. Your relationship is done. You do not hurt the one you love under any circumstances.
My ex cheated, I freaked out, listened to his family, my family, friends, my church and forgave his sorry ass. I was told to 'look' the other way. What did I get in return? He continued the behavior 3 more times! Each incident more blatant than the next! Why? Because in his eyes... my forgiveness and understanding, meant giving him the green light to do it again! How ironic! Who was the dumbass here?
So you know what? If you have a cheating spouse KICK their butt to the curb pronto! It's not going to stop! It's a conscious behavior. People cheat because they want to. Period! My ex got everything he needed from me. Sexually, physically, emotionally, intellectually, domestically. The complete package. And he still chose to be an ass and go look for greener pastures. ( I can tell you this though, all he has gotten since our divorce is a trail of shit in a field of plenty!) Holla! So wise up folks and do what you gotta do to make sure you don't get the "made-a-fool-of" stamp across your forehead! Peace!

I'm terribly sorry for what you are enduring at this moment.  As I read your post and the many responses you've received, I was able to connect through the eyes of your children.  First, you need to find help for your six year old who walked in on her mother with another man.  Witnessing that at her age is detrimental and traumatizing and can have a permanent effect on her thus effecting her relationships down the road.  Furthermore, please don't stay with your wife for the sake of the children.  My degree is in child development and I've worked with children for over ten years and I know that children are very intuitive.  They know when mommy and daddy aren't getting along.  They can feel the parents bond, or there lack of.  Children look up to their parents as the all mighty and if their parents don't have that bond, love, and trust; they too won't have success in it down the road.  I remember growing up knowing that my parents didn't get along.  They fought frequently and never showed their emotions to each other.  My friends always complimented on how lucky I was that my parents are still together for so long while their parents have divorced.  On the contrary, I wanted my parents to be divorced.  My parents stayed for the sake of us and I wish it wasn't the case.  Till this day, as an adult, I'm still trying to convince my dad to leave.  I want them happy and I suffer when I see them living a life of misery.  As a result of my parents staying together and being unhappy, I've completely lost hope in relationship.  I've closed myself up and would not allow anyone to get close to me.  I'm 30yrs old and have had only 2 relationships in my life.  Don't think you're doing your children a favor by staying.  You're onlly doing them a disservice.  Please think about it.  Go talk to a counselor as you need professional, unbiased advice.  Again, I'm sorry and I do wish you well.

Hi - my story is at this link:
http://www.divorce360.com/community/advice/view/9942/need-some-validation.aspx

Since that post 2 months ago, I have found out that my 34-year old wife is having an affair with another 19 year old boy.  How did I find out?  I got a call while I was out of town from my 12 year old son that his 6 year old sister walked in on their mother and her new teenage boyfriend going at it in my bed.
Of course, being the self-centered bitch that she is, it is once again my fault...but this time it's because I haven't trusted her since the last affair with a teenager.  
I filed last week, and she will be served the papers in a couple of days.  The best advice I can give is to get out with your children now.  A couple of months ago I read someone on here comment, "once a cheater, always a cheater", and thought it to be extreme.  It's not.  Once these morally bankrupt narcissists cross that line, it's not a big deal for them to do it again.  I know all too well the hurt, shock, and total betrayal that this brings, and please know that it is not you - it's her problem and character deficiency. And know that you are not alone - I have really benefitted greatly from the posts I've read on this site.  Keep your kids at the forefront of your thoughts, and move on.  
Greg

As much as it pains me to read of others pain with a cheating spouse, it seems somehow I get a feeling of not being so alone even when I am in a room with many people.  I too am all too aware of your shock, pain, betrayl and dis belief of your spouse doing such a thing when it has never crossed your mind to do so.  I will read on and wish you strength, hope and confidence for the future, please do likewise for me, I need it too.

Life is unpredictable. People do things that you would think they are incapable of doing. Breaking trust is the hardest one to get over. For me, it's clear there is no going back. People rise above their despair when they believe in tomorrow. This life keeps moving, so just breathe.

I know it's hard for you and you're worried about the kids. But trust is the main thing to have in a marriage.  You can longer trust her correct?  You're unhappy and starting to "hate her".  Then a change in your life needs to take place now!  My advice- kick her butt to the curb.  Seriously.  Sit her down, tell her that you know about the affair, that you can no longer trust her, and that you already have a bag packed and waiting for her at the front door.  Of course she is going to boo hoo and tell you all the reasons that she can't be the one to leave.  At that point, you tell her "Well then your affair is now over!  No more contact with this man, or any other man.  From this point forward you will treat ME and only ME as your husband and lover.  And I will be checking up on your every move for at least the next year because you have broken my trust and that is something that you will have to earn back.  Now, if you don't want to go, then don't.  But these are the terms.  If you can't live with them- then there is your bag, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you on your way out."    Yes, it seems harsh.  But it's reality.  You have to be the one to put your foot down and give her the ultimatum.  If she can't seperate herself from this other guy, then you and the kids don't need her.  You and her family should come first- no matter what.  If she is the one that is so unhappy, then she should be the one to leave!  Just my opinion :)

I'm amazed at all the people who share this same story.  I caught my husband of 6 years having an affair about a year ago (he'd been cheating on me for almost a year with some whore at his work who didn't want to live with her boyfriend anymore, though she stayed with him the whole time-funny how cheaters find each other).  We're still trying to work it out...I'm not sure how successfully at this point.  I have found this past year to be torture.  I don't trust anything he says.  I recently found out my instincts were completely correct- they have been carrying on the affair still...she called me to explain everything one night because he finally (yes a year later, after the birth of our 3rd child-a blessing, but a surprize to say the least) decided to end things with her for real, and she wanted me to hurt some more too, since she didn't get my family like he'd promised her.  I have been going insane.  It's like a slap in the face whenever I think of the past 2 years.  I look back at the precious moments in my babies lives and almost cry because I can't bring myself to forget how he didn't care about them.  I can't understand how someone could disregard them and me for something so....I don't even know the word for what he had with her.  I just don't understand the pull.  I always thought I did everything right by him...he never wanted for anything.  I never checked up on him...never asked him for anything in return, and yet it wasn't enough.  I'm realizing now just how worthless he is, and how wasted this past year has been.  My advise to you though, from what I've gone through, is this....don't show your hand.  Even if you find proof of something.  Save it.  If you tell her, she'll just find ways to hide it better.  Get a keystroke logger for your computer-I hate the thought of telling you to keep checking, but  for me it's the only way.  I know I can't believe a single word my husband says and all I need now is the final proof to move on.  Good luck

I think it would be really hard to stay with her knowing what you know and then wondering when she's out by herself what she's doing and who she's doing it with.  Do you want to live your life that way?  Do you want your kids to see you so bitter and angry towards her and not understand why daddy hates mommy so much and stays with her?  You have a lot to think about and it would be very hard to go back to someone who has hurt you so much and doesn't think twice about it.  I agree you have to think about the kids in this to and put them 1st in all this.  They deserve better and you deserve better than she can give you obviously.  Don't allow her to treat you like a doormat, I'm sure you don't want to be treated this way.  I think it would be really hard to face her everyday knowing what you know and not be angry or bitter, that's just a normal reaction to someone you said vows to and she hasn't taken those vows seriously.  I wish you good luck in this and I hope some time away will do you some good! :)

I'm thinking if I stay it will make me bitter, angry, unhappy and maybe even verbally abusive to her.  Is it even possible to fake it without ruining yourself and eventually your kids?  Three weeks into this now and I am still mad every second I am in the house with her.