can you get past an affair?

I will not live with a man that cheats on me.There is one reason that a person cheats and that reason is that they wanted to.They know that they are cheating and besides they have plenty of time to stop before they get to that point.What makes someone go from love to lust?Do they blackout or something?There is no excuse for cheating.

I will not live with a man that cheats on me.There is one reason that a person cheats and that reason is that they wanted to.They know that they are cheating and besides they have plenty of time to stop before they get to that point.What makes someone go from love to lust?Do they blackout or something?There is no excuse for cheating.

Lydia, let me suggest a book for you....

Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs, by Dave Corder.  It's written from a Christian perspective, but much of its content is based on social and pyschological research which I think is valuable even if you don't happen to be a "person of faith" as it were.  It is a very tough road, but if both in the relationship are willing to try, I think it is possible (not guaranteed, though, to be certain).

I'll pray for ya... hugs :)

I forgave my husband when I found out he was cheating - the first time!! The second, third, fourth time I closed my eyes. But then after thirty years of marriage I knew he would always be a cheater!! I was a slow learner!! But we are divorced now. And now he is cheating on the girlfriends!! Your heart has a way of making you remember all the good times, make yourself remember all the bad times and how many times you waited for him in the middle of the night and how you made excuses to your children of where daddy is!! Get out while you are young!!

The b%^%$% has moved out and is trying to get the girlfrind to come back to him, They are soul mate and she is passionate. If i hear those words one more time i will scream. He says that i am to stable for him. I can not believe i was with this man for 25 years, Dont get me wrong i still love the man that i knew but this one that is cutting me down every chance he gets is not him. I just want this to be over and to move on and someday find a real man that loves me because i am me.      thanks to everyone for the support.

Lydia, I just read your post and am heartbroken. I am so sorry you are going through this. What he is doing is beyond selfish and you - and your children - deserve more. 

Ironically my own cheating husband gave me a book called Surviving an Affair that has some tips on how to deal with the cheater when they are trying to decide between you and the other person. Basically, it states that most affairs eventually end because once they go from fantasy to reality the reality is much less appealing. But you do not need to wait around for him to figure it out. Decide you are worth more than that and kick HIM out until he gets his act together and can at least be consistent with the kids. Best of luck to you moving forward.

thanks everyone,
I have decided not to take him back, But now i have to deal with him in my face all the time, All he does is tell me how he never loved me and he only concidered me a friend, I hope that is only the booze talking.It is very sad to think that i was married for 25 years and never loved. I am praying that the other woman will take him back and he will leave the state. I do not know this man that came home a week ago. I just do not understand all the e-mails he sent me while he was gone about how he had to come home and be with me forever bla bla bla. I am so pissed at myself for lwtting him pull me in over and over again. I want him to go far away.

Lydia, if he has a problem with alcohol, you might want to consider going to an Al-Anon meeting for yourself.  You can't wait for him to "decide who he wants to be with."  You are WORTH MORE THAN THAT!

Decide whether he is worth taking back -- ask yourself that age old question, are you better with him, or without him?

We're all here for you.

My STBX husband had at least two affairs that I know of an two emotional affairs. Whatever you decide please don't stay with him just because of the kids...I made that mistake and now worry that my teenage daughter will have relationship problems of our dysfunctional marriage. Be true to yourself, get counseling and remember his affair isn't about you it's about him.

bad answer, He told me today that he still loves the other woman and he only came home for the kids. He said he would stay but only for the kids and if she would take him back he would go back to her. I left the house and do not know what to do know. Not taking the abuse would be a good start. Now he has called and said it is the drinking that has made him flip and now he wants two weeks to dry himself out and he will decide who he wants to be with then. I am trying to be strong enough to tell him it will not be me.How do i do that?

Search long and deep.  Consider your faith, your background and upbringing, and your values as a parent.  Some marriages can survive.  I am in the process of working things through after a second confession of infidelity by my husband.  It is not easy.  You really have to consider who you are and what you believe.  To me, forgiveness is who I am at my core.  It has a lot to do with my religious beliefs, my upbringing, and what I want my children to know.  Not everyone can do this and I will tell you that there are many who will not stand beside me this time around as they did the first time.  BUT...  you have to do what is right for you, regardless.  Don't make any rash decisions, and DEFINITELY seek counseling - for you ALONE, for him ALONE, and for both TOGETHER.

My stbx had a brief affair 15 years ago.... It took 2 years of counceling, and many years for me to trust him again....Then March 2nd of this year he dropped "the bomb again"....This time it was with his manager at work, plus another brief one one top of that with a  30 year old....Personally I think once its in their system it never goes away not after what he has put me through...
I think you should consider once a cheater always a cheater...It may not be physically for a few years, but they will only turn you into a person with low self esteem, and always wondering in the back of your mind.......
Im pissed at myself that I didn't end it 15 years ago when I still was young enough to have some good years left in me...
I got sick, and my stbx forgot the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows.....

Add me to the "talk to a counselor" group.  I think that some marriages can survive infidelity, but it takes a lot of work to rebuild that foundation.  Best of luck to you!

I'm a big believer in keeping the family together. If this is his first affair and is truly remorseful and sorry than  I would give him a second chance. This will require a lot of work, counseling, and therapy and if he is willing to do whatever it takes than do it. Theres nothing better than keeping it together and being happy. Good luck to you.

I agree, follow your heart.  Counseling is a must!

This is a tough call that only you can really make from your heart.  An affair is very difficult to get over but if you two truly love each other and he is committed to make it work and help you feel secure again then I think you should give it a shot.  Find a very good marriage counselor that you both feel comfortable with take it slow.  He has a lot to prove to you to get your trust back.  Good Luck to you and I will be anxious to hear your progress.