Polls

How to Cope with his affair and her having a baby!

Hi, I am new to this, but my therapist said that joining an online support group like this might help.

Last Monday, I found out that my husband has been having an affair since November and he got her pregnant and she’s due in October. I found this out through anonymous Myspace messages. One of the things that hurts the most is he knew I wanted a baby very badly and he said that he never wanted another one, but since he couldn’t convince her to get rid of it he’s decided to step up and play daddy. I should mention that we have an 11-year old daughter ourselves. I just don’t understand how my daughter and I can mean so little to him that he would do this in the first place and then choose to continue a relationship with her, even though he says it’s only a friendship, but they trade over 30 text messages a day, plus 10 or more phone calls. I mean I understand that it's not about me it's about him, but yet I still don't understand. She's married on her way to divorce with 4 kids and has a history (which he kew about) of going to bars for the past couple years and picking up men. I work a good job, go to school and have supported him in all the stupid decisions he's made like quitting a really good job to end up delivering pizzas.

I’m sorry I know I’m rambling, but there’s just so much that I don’t understand. I am trying to cut myself off from him other than to arrange things with him seeing our daughter, but it is very hard since I love his family and am best friends with his sister.

Everyone says that I am better off without him since he did this before when we were first married, but it’s so hard. I thought it might help to talk to women that are going through similar situations that might better understand that it is not as simple.

I would appreciate any thoughts and support. Thank you.

by dtyler 6 Posts
Posted on 6/12/2008 1:18 PM

Get Alerts!

send to friend

Send to a friend

How to Cope with his affair and her having a baby! on divorce360.com

E-mail: Separate multiple addresses with commas(,)

From (Your name) :

Your e-mail address:

10	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Cast your vote

Should I even try to keep a friendship?
Should I cut myself off from his family too?
Should I just cut him out of my life completely?
>> View Results without Voting

Comments for "divorce360.com | How to Cope with his affair and her having a baby!" (8) (You must be logged in to answer)

You don't need him reminding you of his total disregard for you. It would be like having a thorn in your side every time you see him...too much hurt that you don't deserve to have to deal with.

by blee 96 Posts
Posted on 6/14/2008 10:16 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

I am in a very similiar situation. I told my cheating husband we are not going to be friends, but we have to be parents for our two boys. Therefore, I will be in his life for a long time and he will be in mine. It is very very hard at the beginning. You probably think it is impossible to deal with. From my experience, I do feel better and better slowly. Just try to hang in there.

My in laws and I are on good terms, even though sometimes I feel they expect too much from me. But, they are my boys' grandparents. I know for sure we will have to spend time together. It is painful for you to see the in laws right now, they remind you so much of your husband. That will also change as time goes by. No matter what you want to do, you will be fine!

by Alison 116 Posts
Posted on 6/12/2008 9:01 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

No, it's not simple at all. It is a long hard process to get thru. I was married for 33 years and I still care for my ex. The love is almost gone and the regard I have for him is small. I treat him with respect and block the harmful things he still tries to pull on me.

I could have stayed married; but I would have lost all respect for myself. He is very passive and aggressive in a passive way. If he can cause me trouble without it coming back to him he will do it. We have a daughter together and I hope she will still be able to have a relationship with her father; but I think he will not want contact with her. She ages him. And he is afraid of getting old. She is 30 and has an 8 year old half brother in the Philippines who she will never see.

Now he is trying to have more children at 59. That's because his new wife doesn't have any kids and wants one badly. He found that 30 to 35 age range with the biological time is running out urge to have children. I feel sorry for her. She has no idea what she is getting into. Another half brother or sister my daughter will never know.

For my own sanity I had to get out. It took me 4 years to finally make a decision. Your spouse has done this before! You will find that once a cheater: always a cheater. I found that to be true.

Try to keep a relationship with your in laws. It sounds like you like and respect them. You can do that thru your daughter. Encourage them all to keep in touch with each other. Talk to your in laws and let them know they are welcome to see their granddaughter no matter what is going on between you and spouse.

No matter what you decide I wish you well. Good luck

by trisha9054 4967 Posts
Posted on 6/12/2008 5:33 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Sounds like a little mid-life / a little grass-is-greener for him.

If in 6 months he finds her back in the bar, flirting (or worse) with someone else, he will learn what it feels like.....

Wish him well and say see-ya!

by blindasabat 5 Posts
Posted on 6/12/2008 3:18 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

I am totally open to male opinions. I'd actually like to hear from the other side of it as well.

by dtyler 6 Posts
Posted on 6/12/2008 2:49 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

It's actually good to hear a man say that I'm better off without him. Most of the women I tell are yes, kick him to the curb and the men are just "that sucks."

by dtyler 6 Posts
Posted on 6/12/2008 2:36 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

I am not a woman, may I say that in my opinion, you are better off with out him!!!

by jackson 723 Posts
Posted on 6/12/2008 1:58 PM

	0	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

what a horrible way to find out. i'm so sorry for your situation. but you do not have to end your relationship with his family. why punish yourself and them for his actions? talk to them....try to keep the relationship with them. for you and your daughter. this site can help, your therapist was right. and it's great you are seeing a therapist. you need all the support you can can get.

by paula1 12663 Posts
Posted on 6/12/2008 1:31 PM

	3	Flag item :: Why are you flagging item: Submit \| Cancel

Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.