How my 4th went...and do I really know how to forgive? 

I went to the 4th of July parade and other festivities with my ex's family....My ex was there...I didn't talk to him during the parade but did exchange a few words with him as we were walking back to our vehicles...My ex's mom looked at us strangely...It is weird for everyone...We went back to his brother's house and my nephews were all there...I know they had a conversation with the kids because my youngest nephew is 5 and he looked at me and asked me if my son lived with me....I looked at him and said yes, he does...He said ok, and went on doing what he was doing....We talked some while at his brother's house...We actually sat beside each other at the park...He said his pop tasted nasty and tried to get me to take a drink...I said "No, thanks, if it tastes like ass, why would I want to try it." I was laughing...He said, "It tastes like diet, you know I don't like the aftertaste." I tried it, nope wasn't diet, it just was a bad pop....The carbonation was wrong...I think he felt like he had to drink it because our daughter had bought if for him...I told him that she wouldn't expect him to drink it when it tasted like that...

I then left to come back to the house and get ready to go to dinner with my guy...My guy who was going to be going back with me to the fireworks with my ex, the kids and my ex's family...Yes, a little weird...I had dinner after church with my guy and his mom....We dropped her off and took off to head back to the festivities...After we got about 4 or 5 miles down the road...I started filling him in on who everyone was...He was like, "How many people are going to be there? It is just hitting me what I am doing..." I told him that most of them were kids and filled him in again...I could tell he was a little nervous even though he said he was fine...Hell, I was a little nervous even though my ex's family said he was welcome and my ex knew he was coming...My guy looked at me as we were getting closer and said, "If there is any confrontation, we are just going to leave." I said, "Of course, but there will not be any confrontation because he is behaving today...He won't act like a jackass in front of his family." There wasn't any...

We got there and I introduced him to everyone except my ex....They all made small talk and my sister in law was awesome at making my guy feel welcome...I wasn't sure how to handle the ex and my guy thing...I didn't want to be rude, but hell, what is the protocol for this kind of thing? We went out on the back deck to watch the kids set some fireworks off before heading into town to watch the big fireworks...There was a moment when it was just me, my guy, and my ex on the back deck...The kids were all in the back yard, the other adults were inside...I just looked between them and said..."I don't know what the hell the protocol is for this and I don't want to be rude but M*** this is D*** and D*** this is M***....They shook hands and said it was nice to meet each other....My sister-in-law came out and she had kind of slid in between the two of them while we were watching off the back deck...I still talked some to my ex, I didn't want to act like he wasn't there...My guy and my ex didn't really exchange very many words but they were cordial to each other...I decided to just be myself...I felt it was going really well, all things considered...My guy took a tin can and put a hole in it for the kids...They were impressed with being able to use firecrackers to blow the thing up in the air...

My guy had told me on the way over that he was not going to feel comfortable kissing me or holding hands or any of that...He had asked me if he should change clothes and did twice..lol...I told him to go with what he was comfortable in...It didn't matter what he wore...I didn't think I would be comfortable this first time with any public displays off affection either...I told him we would just play things by ear...We watched the fireworks and they were awesome as always...M*** and I did hold hands during the fireworks but were not obvious about it...After the fireworks, my ex and his mom left to go home and M***, the kids, and I headed back to my brother in law's house....My sister-in-law and my guy were getting along great and joking around...We watched the fireworks the kids and my brother-in-law were setting off...We were standing on the back deck and M***was standing behind me holding me between him and the rail...My daughter was on our left and my sister-in-law on our right and we were all talking and it was relaxed...

M*** and I were talking later and he said that my son was watching all of us...He was struggling with this...what is happening, what he thinks about it, how we all interact...etc...I don't know what kind of decision my son came to but as we were leaving the park, my ex was in his truck and my son called out to M*** by name and asked him something...My daughter is more than fine with things and she stayed right by M*** and I during the fireworks...She had a friend with her and they sat on a blanket right at our feet...My son did what he always did, played with his cousins...Nothing different there...My guy said that at one point, I positioned myself between him and the ex like I was blocking...He asked if I did it on purpose or if it was subconscious, I said it must have been subconscious because I didn't even notice I did it....

It made me think about things, in fact, I have been thinking since last night...My ex is trying to be friendly and cordial at this point...I have to give him credit for that...Am I just the one being a jackass now? I say I have forgiven him but if I truly have, why don't I take that last step to helping ensure he can be really happy...I may be overestimating myself but I believe I have the influence to get his family to accept his girlfriend. If I choose to accept her and can be around her and they see I am ok, I believe they will eventually accept her...I could do that for him...I could make it where he doesn't have to choose between family and her...His family did that for me...They showed me unconditional love yesterday...The marriage is over...but I find I still care...I do care about his happiness...I care about mine as well but I am happy again...I care about keeping this family a family even if it is not the traditional family anymore...What does true forgiveness really mean? I said a long time ago that I didn't want this divorce process turn me into someone I no longer liked...Yes, I was painfully crushed by some of the things that my ex said to me during this whole process but in the long run, it helped me to get over feeling love for him...Maybe it was a blessing in disguise...Maybe it got my back up so I was determined to heal....He has apologized several times for the way he did it and admits he was an asshole with how he did it...He is right, he can't change it...You can't go back and change it ever...

I think I have it in me to give my ex that unconditional love...I probably will always care for him in a way...Oh, never in a way to have a relationship like we once did...but I can give him a step towards what he thinks will make him happy...I am going to have to pray about this one...It hurts to realize that I may be someone who is just full of shit and I can talk a good game of forgiveness but do I really have it in me? This would help preserve my family...My ex is family still...his family is my family still...My kids would be much better off to not feel like they have to make choices here...M*** is someone to give them additional attention and caring, my ex's girlfriend may be able to give my kids someone that could also love them too...This affects my 4 nephews too...My youngest nephew warmed up to M*** right away...It is amazing when you look at things through kid's eyes how small and petty you can end up feeling...I can choose to live my life with love....Unconditional love...We all talk about it, we all want it but do we grant it to others truly? Do we really know how? I am going to be praying about this one...I think I may have learned a valuable life lesson yesterday on Independence Day...