Processing 

She has set the beginning of May as when she is willing to engage in couples therapy, though she has said that she can't realistically see our marriage continuing. This is a tiny little crack left open, and its enough to keep me from totally committing to accepting that I'm single. I'm not clinging; rather, I'm in limbo. I want to get back with her, but even as I write, she is off on her Vegas adventure. That woman is not my wife--she is a new, independent woman. She "moved on" like you would not believe; she embraced the freedom and exploded (and I AM happy for her). Last night people were trying to pump me up (I tried to not talk about it, but people kept asking where my wife was), telling me that I can do the same. Yeah, but now its like standing on a cliff and jumping into the ocean. It's a blast when you do it in one swift motion, but once you pause and look down and think about what you know will happen, you become tentative. I don't want to limp into my future, so I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, and we're piecing together the narrative of my life and seeing trends, and it is very helpful. This weekend just stings so bad; The kind of guy who revels in Vegas is exactly the kind of guy I'm not but the kind of energy I've always known she's attracted to. That she is in that energy in her first adventure while she still says that she can't say for sure that we won't get back together (convoluted phrasing, I know) hits me at once of my most vulnerable spots, right at one of my biggest insecurities. And to top it off, I can't get the Rolling Stones' "I Am Waiting" out of my head, esp. the lyrics, "I am waiting for someone to come out of somewhere..." AND, to top it all off, we moved in with my mom after my dad died totally unexpectedly back in August. So, I'm in a house of grief. I know that the first thing I have to do is carve out a new space that is mine--I gotta move out. Not a problem, plenty of $, but Mom's grief gives me pause to keep from doing it tomorrow. AND my wife left me with 4 cats a dog, so I have to find a place that allows for my little zoo. I need motion; I can't wait for someone to come out of somewhere. Being passive was the demise of my relationship with my wife. That has to change.

 I can't do this for another month--I'm mentally exhausted.