my husband has cheated and i dont know what to do.  

As they say look around and take stock of your self and where you are at. Your asking advice  that you only know the answer to. But look at some of these things. 1. Your looking for a Job 2. your on colleage. 3 you have a 5 month old son. Now weather he has messed around on you for a fact you only know the answer to that. TRY! to set aside the feelings and look at what you need to do for your child as well as your self. Just because he tried to talk him up some does not mean he did. (Honing skills) man thingy. But now you have the chance to sit down with him while he is trying to work it out and make it clear that what he did to you was the most disrespectful thing a man could do to a woman. Now let it be him that tells you and please leave the friends out of it you do what will benifit you in the end. If you love this man thats fine. Nobody will blame you for staying with him and make it clear that this was the last time. It may also be that with a 5 month old and tring to go to colleage that he is feeling left out ( yes men are babies some times) but the touch of the woman he loves means more than you think. Good luck missy ;)

Take your time deciding. I found out my husband cheated for over 2 years. I was devastated and still have moments of sheer anger and disbelief. He begged me no to file for divorce. Being separated was a great learning experience for  me. It taught me I COULD do this on my own (we have a 3 year old daughter) but I didn't WANT to do it on my own. Marriage is alot of work, especially if you have children. Insist that you go to counseling together. Insist that he tell you the entire truth. Insist that he doesn't get a second chance to hurt you. My husband and I are still in counseling and are working to save what's left of our marriage. Trust is a horrible thing to lose and a hard thing to rebuild.

HI Krys -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360. 

Your husband is asking you to give him another chance.  There are several questions you need to ask yourself before you can come to an answer.  Some of them have been addressed in the posts here already.

... Do you love him?  That is by far the most relevant issue.  If you don't love him there is really nothing further to discuss.

... Do you want to try again?  This is very straightforward.  Either you want to give it a shot, or you don't.  If you are wishy washy about it, maybe you don't want to face the answer in your heart.  Look inside your heart and you will find the answer.

... Do you believe you could trust him again if he truly made amends, went to counseling and changed his ways?  That is a real mouthful.  It is what is necessary for you to trust again.  Counseling, amends, change you can see and feel.  That is a very tall order.  Even with all that he will have to understand that it takes time for you to heal and begin to trust again.  During that time he will have to allow his life to be an open book to you, accounting for all his time and giving you access to all his passwords, phone records, etc. 

Think hard about what you want and where you want to go with your life.  These are not easy decisions and no one can make these decisions for you. 

I would recommend you find a counselor to help you sort out your feelings - alone.  Once you do that you might be able to be in couples counseling with him. 

Best -
Lisa

cheating in a marriage should be a never cross line... obviously.  my oppinion on this is very sharp.  i believe if he would cheat, especially after a new born, he would do it again.  i will admit.. i am not a know it all, and wouldn't be hear if i was.  but i believe once a cheat always a cheat... with a few exceptions...  read alot of post here.  you will see the mass majority of cheaters given chances only to cheat again...  having said that, there are a few that do straighten up.  you really got to go with your gut on this.  do you think you will ever be able to really trust him ???  do you think he has learned his lesson ???  if he is trully repentive his actions will speak volumes... if he is full of excuses for it, or worse yet blames you in any way for it.  don't take him back.  but then again easy for me to say.  right ??   i wish you the best either way you go.  if you give it a try with him, just do it with eyes wide open.  he has to earn your trust back.  demand it.  good luck to you.  i hope what ever you choose to do works out for the best.

Mr. X cheated, too.  When he admitted he wanted a divorce, I begged him, practically on my knees, for counseling.  He refused.  At that time, he claimed there was no other woman.  I found out that not only was he lying, he'd had previous affairs, as well.  Still, I probably would have tried to work things out, given a chance.  That's me, and, fortunately, I was not given that opportunity.

What is right for you and your child might be totally different than what is right for me (whether I liked it at the time or not).  If you feel you can heal from the hurt, I would urge you to go to marriage counseling together.  If you feel there is no chance at doing that, I would urge you to go to counseling alone, to help you through the changes and hurt you feel.

When your entire world is turned upside down, you feel like you can't cope, that you will never be able to deal with all the pain, let alone all the other issues.  There is life.  There is hope.  There is a time when the pain will ease. Until you get to that point, there are people here to help give you a hand and a hug when you fall into the pit.

I think you should at least giving marriage counseling a try.  It will  be hard to regain his trust again, but if you love him and get over him cheating on you then think about it.  But there is a good chance he can do it again. 

If he really wants to work things out he will agree to counseling.

As a Holistic Divorce Coach, the first thing I suggest is that you take inventory of your life together.  Weigh the good against the bad and go from there.  And if you don't have a spiritual practice ~ find one soon!

Blessings, Melinda

Well, it comes down to the answers to two simple questions...do you still love him and can you forgive him?  Only you can answer that...there is no right or wrong answer.  If you don't love him or can't forgive him, then you have your answer.  If you do love him and can forgive him, then that's the starting point.  The rest will depend on him.

As to him...the only thing I can tell you is that his actions will speak louder than his words.  It doesn't excuse his cheating, but knowing the reason he strayed will go a long way towards fixing the problems in the marriage.  Just remember to own the things you can control...don't try to own his.  If he's serious about wanting to work it out, pay attention to what he DOES...not what he SAYS.  You are in the driver's seat...if he truly wants to work it out, you tell him what you want and what you need for it to work out and see if he follows through...if he's just paying you lip service, then you have your answer as to whether or not this can work out or not.

Having been cheated on, I know the pain you're in, and I'm sorry for it.  But, if there's the least little doubt that divorce is what you want, and there's a part of you that thinks that you want to work this out, then explore that.  The last thing you want is 5 years down the road thinking of what could have been...if only I had done X.  Do what you need to do to look yourself in the mirror and your child's eyes and be able to say, with conviction, I did all I could to save this marriage, or at the very least, say that you have no regrets.  I wish you luck with all this.  Keep us posted!

yeah thats the thing i just applied to a college, for january i still have two years to get my degree.

Personally, after my husband of 21 years cheated on me, that was it. The day I found the rock solid evidence, I packed his crap up and kicked him out, filed and that was it. No turning back. He didn't try to work it out but I would not have taken him back no matter what. But I also do not have a 5 month old and am financially self-sufficient and lots of other things that you may not be at this point in your life. Could you ever trust him again? Love him the way you did before you found out? Those are some questions you have to answer for yourself. I just honestly think that once a cheater, always a cheater. Either you are or you aren't. I'm not, my ex was. It happened many years ago and I accepted it the first time, this time, no go. Two times, shame on me and that wasn't going to happen. Hope others have better advice for you than I do. Best of luck.