Another night...another conversation..in the end the same outcome 

My STBX called the other night when he was drunk..he wanted to come over.  I said no its not a good idea, you will regret it tomorrow.  I will regret it tomorrow.  He said I am coming over anyway.  So he did.  I knew he was drunk and for that reason I am soo uncertain about the things that were discussed.  He leaned on me while we sat on the couch and asked what happened to us, how did this happen.  I replied ...lack of communication.  He told me I will always be a part of his heart and that he loved me soo much and doesn't know why this has happened.  He said he knows he has been horrible to me, that he has hurt me, that he has a big part in all of it and that he was sorry for hurting me.  He told me how its odd to kiss other people and asked if it was hard for me to.  He told me how no one kisses like me and he doesn't think he could be intimate with anyone else right now.  I told him that I didn't believe that...I believe he has been intimate with the OW (who he has broken off with...already!!!)  He said he cant picture me being intimate with anyone the way I was with him.  Of course we kissed..I know it was not a smart move and am glad that it didn't go further.  It couldn't  :)

 Dating seems to come easy to him...he is already dating someone new..even took her to a restaurant we once loved and that I had his birthday dinner at last year.  That hurt like hell...but in all honesty- it made me angry.  Is anything sacred in the 11 years we spent together?  There are a few hundred restaurants in the tri-state area for god sake!  He knew there was a good chance people would see him there..everyone we know goes there and we are friends with the owner.

It occurred to me the next day that my STBX wants to move on but doesn't want me to move on.  Thats not really fair.  It is strange that the 2 of us still feel for each other, still love kissing one another, can still make passionate love and still consider the other their best friend BUT only one of us is willing to make it work.  Only one of us is willing to leave the past in the past to start a new future.  However, I am tired of waiting for him to have a revelation...while he dates these women and goes clubbing every week and sabotages what we once had.  I NEED him to sign the divorce papers that he has had in his hands for three weeks now and let me go...I deserve at least that at the end of the worst 16 months of my life...