I'm seeing someone else... but, I'm still married.  

Funny how it is ALWAYS the spouses fault that the other one cheated.  You say she is moody and you are worried about the kids and she pretty much drove you to it.
 I have to agree with everyone here. If you were that miserable, you would have left long before you met some one else.  If you were worried about the kids, you would have taken them with you. And if she is that moody.... how have you contributed to her  moods? Are you there with her? Treat her like a woman or do you treat her like another piece of furniture in your house?  Is she raising those kids alone or are you comming home helping with home work and diaper duty?  And your relationship is ONLY HER FAULT if she personaly put your penis between your girlfiends legs. If she wasnt there to do that, than  the fault lies on you.
 You do need to get out of your marriage and maybe need to grow up some too.  While you are  disecting your marriage, you may also want to examine a few of your own faults and some of her needs you may have been to busy to meet. Good luck to her.  I hope she gets the help she needs, wether it is counseling or a divorce from you. She may also deserve some happiness as much as you do.

TWO THUMBS...WAY UP!!

I have mixed feelings here......a year ago, no 5 months ago I would have been over the top abusive to you.  You see, I was cheated on.  Yes, there were problems in my marriage.  I recognized them.  But he wouldn't work on them. Why?  Because he had already moved on and was involved with someone else.

I agree that you have a right to be  happy......not at the expense of others.  You said vows, made promises, a commitment.  If your marriage is over, it's a decision to be made by BOTH of you, not just you. You owe it to your wife and your children to do everything you can to work it out.  Be fair.

So, you think your wife is a bitch?  So did my husband.  Funny thing is, I was only a bitch to his treatment of me.  There are two side to every situation.  One thing I have definitely learned is that your truth is not the real truth.

My advice to you:  come clean, divorce your wife before you have another relationship.  You owe it to her and to your children.

This seems simple to me.  Whatever you decide to do with the girlfriend, divorce the wife - NOW.  Immediately.  Are you going to stay forever in this crappy marriage because she might hurt your kids?  You might be pissing her off by staying and not only would she NOT turn her anger on your child, she might just get better.  Cut the excuses and go file.  If she does do anything to your child, there are legal actions you can easily take to stop that.

Jonas, the time for being a man is here. You need to end this relationship before you begin a new one. You owe your wife the help and support she needs to get through this emotional trauma she is enduring right nowl. We all have our battles to conquer and she does too and needs your help as a husband. Vows are vows and you made them as well as she did and it is time to remeber that. Your kids need you at home and their mother at home. They dont need a dad who quits and runs to another woman because of issues that need to be resolved. Don't teach your children to quit because they will be quitters too. So pull up your pants and roll up your sleeves and get to work on your marriage and your wifes problems excuses is not going to change things. She may not be what your girlfriend is but she is your wife and your mate not some one else's and neither are you some one elses and it is high time for men to be men and take the role of responsibility and lead their families and commit themselves to their spouses and quit being a mouse and show this woman what a man is and when your wife starts seeing some stabiltiy her emotions should calm down. Keep your family out of the ditch you will see wonders happen. She married you because she loves you and you asked her to marry you. So quit whining and get to work. (Alimony & child support is not a whole lot of fun. ) I do not judge you but I am a victim of cheating and I certainly didn't deserve it and I am living a hell of a life and my children is liviing a hell of a life and you don't want to ruin your life or your children's lives so quit messing with them and stand up and take responsibility and and put your marriage first. Good luck and God Bless Greg

You certainly have the right to a decent and fulfilling life, but that doesn’t mean hurting people on the way, Please, be honest with yourself, and her, even if you think she’s a bad person, she's the mother of your children, and whatever  happens you'll have to see her for a long time, and deserves some respect, the same respect you deserve, so please have a conversation with your wife and tell her the best way you can, it is over, and then accept your responsibility on the failure of your marriage.

Jonas,

I have lived your life.  I was the other woman for quite sometime.  In fact, I still am.  It's going on 6 years and I couldn't be happier...why?  Cuz I have a full time job and a full time teenage son.  I don't have time for a full time husband/boyfriend/lover, etc.  I just don't.  The man I'm seeing is in fact still married and it does not bother me one bit.  I am not forcing the issue of him leaving his wife for me cuz that is NOT what I want.  I have advised him that if he ever does leave her, he will need to find an apartment to live in cuz he will not be moving in with me and my son in our home.  This is MY life, MY rules, MY territory, and I'll be dammed if i'm going to let anyone judge or tell me otherwise! 

Jonas, this is YOUR life, you live it the best way you know how.  Don't let others judge you or dictate how to live your life anylonger.  You have made your bed, now lie in it like a grown man.  Make the decision that YOU feel will benefit you and those that matter in your life right now.  I am sure that you are a terrific father to your children but falling out of love with their mother does not make you a bad father or person for that matter.  It happens!  

Know one has the right to judge you except for GOD and I think you are grown enough to know that fact. 

I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is bright enough to help guide you out of your life-less marriage and into a new and more positive life.  Only a train wreck will occur if you don't have control of the situation.  I think you pretty much do.

Good luck and take every piece of advise (and judgement) with a grain of salt.

I just don't understand cheating.  If you don't want to be together end it.  However, I don't like the idea of divorce.  I think everything can be worked out and worked on.  Today's society has made divorce too easy and an easy way out.  But at least have the respect for your wife, the families involved and especially yourself.  Cheating makes things WORSE

OOPs the movie is FIREPROOF. Get it watch it together, and go to the website! It could change your life. I am better for watching it, even after my divorce.

Ok I can't beleive I am saying this either, I never thought a movie could put my lost marriage into some sort of perspective, but it did. Watch it, and although there is some religious values in there (I am not a person to preach), there are allot of things that will help you see where her rage is comming from, and some of the things that have led you to do whay tou have done.

I can tell you, I was a NUT when I was married, but I figured out that my behavior was a result of many years of mental abuse and neglect, and although I know he had issues, I still deserved to be respected and valued. You are seeing how you feel from one perspective, and she how she feels from her own. Much of what you both are feeling are misconceptions about what the other is thinking. There may be misunderstandings about the day to day things that neither of you have any idea about. You are both taking one another for granted, and I can tell you, getting along with someone else is NO excuse for cheating, that is just an excuse to move on, and it isn;t fair to either of you. Do not mistake your behavior for being there for the kids, because what you are doing is purely for you and no one else, and remaining in the marriage is not because of the kids, because that isn't fair to them, it is because you are afraid of the next step, and whether you admit it or not, crazy as she may be in your eye's, she and that home are what you know and understand. Seeing someone on the sly is not the same as seeing someone out in the open and the rules change, and suddenly all the things you like are not as you thought they were. Reality has a way off turning that side of the fence brown too. Ask my exhusband, he regrets his choices everyday, and now he feels stuck and for some reason, can not funtion alone, even though he is loosing his children because of his choices a little more everyday.

 

Please, you need to both sit down and be honest, don't worry about the children, they have a way of dealing with these things better than we do, just be sure to get them a nutural part

Yeah okay I can't believe I'm going to post this. Considering I was cheated on, and left for a woman who is slightly unhinged. But seriously. If your wife is getting help for her mood issues, I think you owe her the chance to try and get better before you leave. It's really easy to fall for this other person. She's everything you find lacking in your wife. It's human nature and I don't blame you for it. But at the moment I believe--I could be wrong here, so don't take offense-- that you are infatuated with the idea of her. New relationships can be intense and incredible. It sounds like a difficult situation that she is in. One you don't necessarily need right now. You have enough on your plate.

If your wife is really making you miserable and you can't handle it anymore I suggest you be honest with her. She probably already has an idea of what is going on. We usually do.

There's never going to be a right time to get a divorce besides abuse. I don't envy your decision either way. Hope this helps.

OMG...let me wade through the JUDGING here...
These situations are never black and white! It's also a PROVEN fact that given the chance, most people WILL cheat. PROVEN fact. Now, that aside, people PLEASE stop ripping this guy a new one! I'm NOT saying that cheating is right...it's not. Dude, it sounds like your wife is severely Bipolar...probably a Rapid Cycler. Usually these people CAN'T be helped, because they don't think they have a problem, and will often react violently if it is suggested that they get help. My best guy friend's soon to be ex wife is like this. She DESTROYED his self esteem and ruined him financially, as well as nearly destroying his relationship with his daughter. He realized early on that things were going South, but stayed for her kids. Things completely fell apart when he moved out of state to take a job (she had caused him to lose several)...after that he found out that SHE had been cheating on him nearly the whole time they'd been together.

Shame on those of you who yelled at him for turning to someone who makes him feel human again. Living with someone with that problem can make you feel like the most worthless person alive. He came here looking for help and advice, as we all have, and most of you just judged him. Try leaving your own experiences at the door and looking beyond your own pain. This guy is not the same person as your ex, and screaming at him and belittling him isn't going to help him--OR you. He doesn't need to be told he's doing something wrong...isn't it obvious that he KNOWS?
Jonas, please contact me if you want some help or advice with your situation. I'm sorry you're going through this...I know you feel very alone. Right or wrong, you shouldn't have to feel that way.

I HAVE BEEN YOUR WIFE.  THESE MOOD SWINGS COULD BE MEDICAL.  IT WOULD PAY TO TALK HER INTO SEEING A DOCTOR.  ALSO ON MY ROAD TO RECOVERY FROM MY HUSBANDS DECEPTION WE DISCOVERED SOME IMPORTANT LESSONS.
  
   "YOUR CAN'T FIX YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS WHEN YOUR ATTENTION IS ON ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP".
    READ THIS AGAIN AND SAY IT OUT LOUD.  WHEN MY THERAPIST SAID THIS TO BOTH OF US IT HAD AN INPACK.  

" IF YOUR FOCUSED ON SEVERAL SMALL PROBLEMS YOUR MISSING THE TRUE TRIGGER".

SHOULD WE MENTION WHAT THIS IS DOING TO YOUR CHILDREN.  IT WILL COME OUT THEY WILL LIKELY FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOT PRINTS.  WE MUST LEAD BY EXSAMPLE.  IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER, THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND YOUR WAY.  WALK AWAY KNOWING YOU DID ALL YOU COULD TO SAVE YOUR COMMITMENT.  CHEATING AFFECTS MANY PEOPLE, NO ONE WINS.  HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT MOMMIES AND DADDIES LOVE THERE FAMILY AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THERE CHILDREN.  CHEATERS ARE NOTHING BUT SHELFISH BOTTOM FEEDERS.  PICTURE YOUR WIFE IN THE ARMS OF ANOTHER MANS ARM.  HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL.

Man, I was seeing somebody else for about a year on the side, and now that it is over, I can tell you that even though i really liked my secret girlfriend, the stress that it caused and the damage that I caused to my relationship with my wife was not worth it. The woman I was involved with also has a family that she is struggling to keep together now as a result of our secret relationship. My marriage is now on a downward spiral as a result of my cheating

Funny how it is ALWAYS the spouses fault that the other one cheated.  You say she is moody and you are worried about the kids and she pretty much drove you to it.
 I have to agree with everyone here. If you were that miserable, you would have left long before you met some one else.  If you were worried about the kids, you would have taken them with you. And if she is that moody.... how have you contributed to her  moods? Are you there with her? Treat her like a woman or do you treat her like another piece of furniture in your house?  Is she raising those kids alone or are you comming home helping with home work and diaper duty?  And your relationship is ONLY HER FAULT if she personaly put your penis between your girlfiends legs. If she wasnt there to do that, than  the fault lies on you.
 You do need to get out of your marriage and maybe need to grow up some too.  While you are  disecting your marriage, you may also want to examine a few of your own faults and some of her needs you may have been to busy to meet. Good luck to her.  I hope she gets the help she needs, wether it is counseling or a divorce from you. She may also deserve some happiness as much as you do.

This is disturbing that people blame their spouses for their affairs. You WILL get caught, no matter how hard you try to hide it.. it may take awhile but you WILL. You can ask my stbx... he knows alllll about it!!!

Did it ever occur to you that your wife's mood swings have to do with how crappy you treat her?? Your ignoring her feelings, denying her affection and companionship...they call this emotionl abuse!!    SHAME ON YOU....I HOPE YOU GET JUST WHAT YOU DESERVE

No one is responsible for your actions but you. No one.

OK, so when you said your marriage vows, you were thinking
'for better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, till death do us part'

UNLESS:
1. she has mood swings. Really? We have hormones. Get over it.
2. I find someone else I like.
3. I decide that I'm too selfish to care about my family
4 I don't want to bother to try new things in bed
5. I don't feel like sending the kids to someone else's house for the weekend and planing a romantic weekend with my wife
6. I decide that I have no responsibility to my wife or my children
7 I'm too concerned with what I need to care about what my wife needs.

Grow up. Your problems aren't her, they're you. Until you fix yourself you'll have the same problems in any future relationship.

Did it occur to you that once you both get divorced, you'll be together every day? The spice you have from doing something illicit is gone. You have to deal with the laundry, nasty smells in the bathroom, all of that unromantic stuff. She isn't going to look so great when she's throwing up. You've seen your wife in less tha perfect circumstances. What happens when you see this one that way?

Divorce sucks. You need to try to work on it. If it doesn't work, then get a divorce. Work on yourself. Only then will you have something to offer another person. Right now, you have nothing worthwhile. I, for one, have no interest in someone who cheated. A lot of others feel the way I do, so if you end up with this one or someone else, it will probably be a morally bankrupt person like you.

I think if you should have ended the marriage before you started your affair but I am not you but if you think that there is a bit of light at the end of the tunnel just remember this:  Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as the current market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.  They apologize for the inconvenience. 
Having an affair while your married your not just cheating on your wife your cheating on your kids, either work on your marriage or let her go and get a divorce its not fair to your wife or your kids. 

This is a crap situation and I'm sorry for your family that you've made these choices.  Now take some responsiblity for your actions because you are causing unimaginable pain to your spouse.  Please.

Understand there will likely never be a good time to leave and that there will always be a "situation".  I understand you're happy, but you should consider that by keeping this a secret you aren't allowing your spouse to move on and find her own happiness in life.  Or your children.

I feel like I'm in a dark tunnel with my current marriage, but now there's a bit of light at the end of it.

That light shall fade too my friend.

First let me say, I won't judge you. Yes, an affair is wrong.......always. However, I haven't been in your shoes and I can't say what I would have done. Having said that.....watch out.....that light at the end of the tunnel may just be a TRAIN!!!

I wish you all the best.

Sorry, they all have bashed you instead of just telling you in a nice way, that yes you did wrong by the affair,  you i am sure are not stupid you all ready knew this and yes you should have went to her and told her that u were unhappy(even though  she may have raged against you) and blamed you for all of the problems in the marriage, that way she didnt have to deal  with  she had brought many issues also into the marrriage that help make it a unhealthy place to be its just her issues are  legal!, she is allowed by the courts to act severly moody, and act miserably with her self and make everyone in the house hold  live in hell. so just divorce her and move on with your life and when u are going through therapy hopefully she will go to one also, and stop blaming u for all of the problems that were both of yours not yours alone i wish you well!

I have a little story for you, my first husband was controlling and abusive and refused to go for marriage counseling, I was 19 when we married and it lasted 13 yrs.  I started going out with my single girlfriends at night, and changed from the controlled wife to a strong individual who became involved with my second husband.  I proceeded with divorcing my first husband, but what I did wrong was not giving myself the time to be free and single.  I fell in love while I was looking at divorcing my first husband.  It was not wise to get involved without ending my first marriage.  What we both felt was wrong, he was unhappy in his marriage and I refused to have an affair, so he left his family for me.  I have always felt guilty about HIS first marriage and HE always felt very guilty about leaving for me.  Our marriage had a lot of ups and downs because when you do the wrong thing it follows into your life.  I would suggest counseling and treat yourself with respect, end the outside marriage activity and find out what can be done with your marriage.  You need to look at the hurt you will cause and so does this other woman.  I have been there, it is not the right thing to do to your spouse or yourself.

In my book, you are scum. What the heck are you doing? You have a wife family etc.....; Be a man and tell her about your affair.

Jonas, I believe your situation will continue to grow more and more complex until a decision is forced - either by you, your gf, or your wife.

I know through close friends both sides of the cheating coin - that of the betrayer and the betrayee.

Love triangles have existed since the beginning of time - the playing with fire, the heartbreak, the bliss.  I just hope in the end, no matter who you end up being with (if anyone) that you can feel good about who you are and know you've truly done the best you could.  Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life haunted and sorting through the rubble.

A rather ambiguous response, I know.  But I know it's hard to just hammer down a choice; if it were that simple, you'd have already done so.

But rest-assured, the universe will force a move...ready or not.

Delaine
www.iamdivorcednotdead.com