A Note To The Other Woman 

I exchanged emails with the OW after she contacted me.  Believe me when I say, it is not worth the time or effort.  They justify EVERYTHING.  I do think it's good therapy to write the letter, just don't bother sending it.  Keep a journal.  You will be amazed at how far you progress after time.

They are having an affair with your husband and the father of your children.  Do you really think they are going to care what you have to say?  A friend told me this at lunch today, "You can't make an unreasonable person see reason."  Makes alot of sense doesn't it?  We can quote the bible, we can tell them how immoral it is, we can go on and on, but they already know all that and did it anyway.

 

The OW in my life knew my husband was married, had 2 kids and is suffering with an addiction (porn), and she didn't run the other direction.  He was supposed to be seeking counseling, but according to him she has "cured" him.  Good luck with that.  20 years ago I supposedly "cured" him also.  I just didn't know about the addiction until much later.

Do what you can to try and preserve the marriage, but know when it's over.  Seek counseling.  Start taking care of yourself and your kids.  Live your life.  I let him wreak havoc for 22 years of my life.  I won't let him destroy another 22.  God Bless all of us!

My first husband cheated on his first wife with me. I DID NOT know he was married until SHE came to see me. I was honest with her about everything. I knew it would hurt her but it wouldn't do either of us any good for me to lie. And, to be honest, I couldn't look her in the eye and lie. I broke it off with him and she pushed through with their divorce. (They had already done the paperwork but he begged her not to go through with it.) He had to work to get me back. If I had listened to her, I know it would have saved me a lot of abuse and some heartache. It's hard to know how much of what the "angry spouse" is saying about the cheater is truth and how much could be meant to inflict pain on the cheater. I must say, she was very honest with me. He was abusive and he didn't work if he could get out of it. She and I were almost friends by the time I told him I wanted a divorce (1 year into our marriage). The worst part, he moved out of state and signed away all rights to his two beautiful boys. Then again, maybe that was the best part. She married a wonderful man who adopted those boys and I am sure loves them like his own. I am truly happy for her. I do regret the way things played out for her with her first marriage. Still, she found a better man. As for our ex, he's probably found another woman to abuse in Colorado....or wherever he went from there!

wow i do not know what i would tell the ow because i was the one who started it and he call himself getting even with me but i would tell her this.

dear ow
you see i do not know what he told you but there are a lot of questions you really need to ask yourself and him...... BECAUSE IT WAS NOT ONE SIDED and do you really want to be with someone who doesn't even support his own kids, acts like he has no responsibilities. he is very complex but you will see i do not have to tell you nothing because like some mothers say jokingly you can have my kid, cause you will bring him back well......... there you go. you see he is mad at me now and you are helping him, BECAUSE his judgement IS CLOUDED but he will be back so have fun. and even if he doesn't come back.... HE WILL GET SLAPPED WITH REALITY SOON BECAUSE MAMMA HAVES BILLS TO PAY AND THREE BEAUTIFUL KIDS TO SUPPORT and you will have to be supporting him and your child. TRUST ME I KNOW BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS IN MY NAME EVEN THE BOXERS HE HAS ON;)

I never thought about writing the ow a letter.  When I caught him at her house in her shower, it was already too late for a letter.  I knew that when I left there that I was going to file for divorce the next day and there was nothing left to write a letter about.  I just recently found out that they have a computer and an email address and I don't want to email her.   I don't know if any of you have heard the song by Joey and Rory, called "Cheater, Cheater"  Some of the words go something like, "But to lay your hands on a married man is about as low as a gal can get."  At first I thought the words went "but to lay your hands on a married man is about as low as a cow can get."  I think the last line is more fitting.  To me if you know a man is married then it's "HANDS OFF!" period.  I would not ever do that to another woman.  Yes, my ex broke our vows, but there is an unwritten law, "A married man is OFF LIMITS.  You don't do that to another woman.  Their affair broke up her marriage as well.  She has 3 kids I think and from what I was told she has a son that won't talk to her.  Around the time that my father in law passed away we found out that my mother-in-law was having an affair on my father-in-law.  After his funeral my ex didn't have much to do with her because of her affair.  So what does he do he has an affair on me. Well enough of that.  

a little while after my divorce I sat down for coffee with the OW for a couple of hours.

That meeting confirmed for me what I always believed to be true.     Its not the other person who is the problem is the cheating spouse.    If it wasn't this or that particular person your ex spouse would have found someone else.   

The pain and anger you feel for the demise of your marriage is pain and anger that lays at the feet of your ex spouse.   They broke their vows and they decided never to return to the marriage.    

I learned very little that I didn't already know from the OW.   She just made it easy for my ex.     But there is a new gf now because my ex couldn't bare the weight of what he did so he looked for a clean slate.   He was divorced already when he hooked up with his current gf.    

The current gf is nice enough, my daughter loves her and my ex is now her problem.   

I've moved on.

I'm afraid it's like telling a cigarette smoker that it causes cancer...

Or a criminal that they might get the death penalty for doing a violent crime.

Adultery isn't about logic, is the thing. In my opinion, opening a dialogue with the OW/M almost legitimizes their existence in the first place. I dunno, if it helps to get it off one's chest it's good I guess, but beyond that I wouldn't expect anything to come of it.

Why pour our feelings out to someone who clearly doesn't care...or worse? I tried to avoid it and find myself feeling glad about that decision as time passes.

Here is my letter to the other woman(more like child 22 he's 45 with three kids, one older then her & 5 grandchildren) He has had a vestomy about18 years ago..so no kids for her, he is completely resposable for every expense in our big srawling house So No Money Either..poor her
Here is mine to the bitch
What can I possibly say to the woman who has aided in the demise of my life? I wish I could stand in front of you to voice these thoughts so you could see the real person in me, the real tears that fall, and the real pain I have endured. … As a woman, I can't possibly understand how you are comfortable with completely tearing apart our family. If your relationship with a married man is all you've ever dreamt for yourself, then you haven't set your aspirations high enough. You are worth more than a man who would leave his entire family and his entire life.

Deborah, This is an excellent post and i do believe it is time the OW / OM started to realize the impact of what they have done. Too often in our PC world people no longer care and I, for one, salute you for writing this letter.

wow. This just caught my attention. Wish I had mailed something like this out.

Hope you are doing well.

A Note to the OW...

If you had any brains you'd understand that when someone is wearing a wedding ban, that means they are already taken. If you had any heart, you'd stop and think about all the pain you're going to inflict on his family by listening to his sob stories, and actually believing them. If you had any soul, you would realize that "all" women should join together in remembering we share a sister-hood of some kind, and if you had any true love in your own life, you wouldn't be going after someone elses.

You didn't get the prize, you only stole the leftovers. It's like you feel you're somewhat different than I in some way, or special to this man, but in reality, you're just me 10 years ago. He doesn't really love you, he's just lacking his youth, or something in his life that was flawed. You are merely a fantasy that he holds dear, much like his fishing pole in the back of his closet. He uses you until he gets bored again, and back in the closet you go.

My family will survive without him, as he might be much better off with someone like you who thinks stealing is okay, but his children will never be the same again due to your act of giving into your own needs over common sense. You might get the man, but you'll never be quite sure if he's with you because I threw him out, or if he really loved you as much as you claim. The one thing I know for sure is - if he cheated on me, he'll cheat on you. Good luck with that..

The OW showed up at my office one Monday with a letter for me explaining why I should divorce the father of my children (aged 7, 10 and 13 at the time) so HE could be happy with her.   After he decided not to leave his family we had some rocky months with late night phone calls, emails and letters from her.  Finally, she dumped a box of love letters and  thongs in the yard (go figure).

The OW had given up custody of her son to her ex.  That's a perfect OW.  She didn't care about her own child so of course she couldn't understand how strongly I felt about protecting mine from harm.  I guess that men and women who can't put a child's well being ahead of their own should just go ahead and GET THOSE TUBES TIED.  What can you say about a guy who was too busy with his mistress to help his son prepare for Bar Mitzvah?

But in the end she did me a favor.  None of the other OW contacted me.  If she hadn't then I might not have realized that he was sleeping with the office manager and later the nurse.  

So now we are separated after 25 years of marriage.   I am better off without him now.  But my life will never be what it could have been if I hadn't married him.  I spent years alone holding down the fort for my family without my husband's help.  I can't imagine ever trusting a man again.
 
Six weeks after our separation my husband started an intimate relationship with a 25 year old girl (married with 2 children).   

I never guessed that infidelity could be an infectious disease spreading from family to family in our community.  

   
  

hmmmmmmm when it happen to me I bided my time without saying anything what was to be said I ask she lied. I never followerd her. I just looked at her one day and relized that the reason she actted like she did is because I allowed it so how did I expect her to respect me when I apperantly did not respect myself. So I got my divorce and I am happy the point  was another man was getting it for free and I was the one paying for it  for 30 years of marriage. I got over calling my self stupid along time ago and left her drama with her I am free at last. I always remmber this though nothing is that good.

Wow, a note FROM the other woman...I'm sorry if what I'm about to say makes me a bitter, angry person, but here goes:

That wouldn't make me feel any better. As I read that letter, I imagined the OW that my ex cheated on me with writing it. It doesn't make me feel better. It makes it worse. Be my friend?! Friends don't do those kinds of things to friends. It makes me wonder what kinds of things you value in a friend. And I'd never become friends with someone my husband cheated with either. I would never do that to a friend. It's the ultimate betrayal. You have to see that. You feel bad? Yet, you carry on. Doing nothing to change or better the situation. Fulfilling your own and his own needs. 

This goes out to any "other people" (women or men) who feel they are entitled to any type of intimate relationship, emotional or otherwise, with a married person. A letter explaining your intent or reasoning behind staying involved with someone you know is married is not going to change my feelings. Sorry, but it's just not.

smartnsexy, that was a very compelling letter.

Dear Wife of the man that I fell in Love with.

   I never wanted to hurt you. 

   He was honest with me when he told me he was married but that he felt there was something missing in his life.  He told me that when he saw the kind of person I was he could not help but have feelings for me.

   I don't know how our relationship started, it just did.  I could not stop the emotional reaction I had to him.  I could not deny the chemistry between us or the electric way that he makes me feel by just touching my hand.

   When he told me that he would ask you for a divorce and make an honest woman out of me I begged him not to.  I never wanted you to shed a tear because I was weak when it came to loving him.  I never wanted to look into your eyes and see anger, hurt, betrayal, and pain when you gazed back at me.  I wished that there was a way to make you happy too... I \tried to find a way to  make you happy, but i couldn't so I settled for keeping your life the same as it had been.  I regret that I might prevent your relationship with him from improving.

   I know your husband and I know he is not a bad person.  He does not want you to be sad, but he does want to feel that love again, do you remember the love you two once had?  When you were in college and you used to read text books on your beat up old couch while rubbing each other? Oh yes, he told me about those wonderful times.  he misses them, but he said he tried to bring the feelings back and no matter how hard he tried, they wouldn't come.

   I wish you would be my friend.  I wish I could hold you now and tell you this will all be okay.  I know you wouldn't accept this from me, but please know my relationship with your husband was not started as a way to make you suffer. 

   I wish you peace.  I hope that you can accept me one day.

Sincerely,
The OW

thank you for this post, it gave me the courage to write to ow (one of my husband's old friends) i know it doesn't fix anything but doing it made me feel so much better, this is what i wrote:
 i agree with you, i had no right posting that nasty message on my space and from the bottom of my heart i want to apology for that and i hope that i didn't cause any problems to you; since I became aware of your relationship with my ex-husband and i told him how uncomfortable it made me feel; he asked me to call you but i didn't think it was necessary; he is an adult and he needed to take responsibility for his actions and i never blamed you for the situation. but when i read that you were telling him to close his my space account to keep deceiving me i wanted you to realize that you had taken your relationship too far; but I'm not god and it's not my place to judge you or "punish" you if you; I've understood that. also with time i got my answer, some how god sent you to open my eyes in the most mysterious way; in his efforts to keep hiding stuff from my he used another email to keep in contact with you the same account that he's been using to arrange meetings with prostitutes and scorts for many years all over the world during his business trips. that's right you weren't his only interest outside the marriage , nor the first probably not the last. and i really want to thank you for opening my eyes to the gruesome Truth. i don't know how much you know but we were planing on having our second baby as soon as possible and god only knows how complicated that would have been. my marriage didn't fall apart because of you, it did because its foundation was lies and betrayal even before we got married. after all these years I've realized i don't know him at all. this is as far as i go. if you love him as much as you say you can keep him. I'm ready to move forward with the better life that i deserve. he doesn't want to let my go and if you ththink you can do something to help me make him understand that's the honorable thing to do  I'll be forever grateful.

I would say the letter would have been right on track. The ow needs to know...sometimes the other person in the affair is completely unaware of the situation. The person they are involved with tells all kinds of stories...many times they are exagerated sometimes they are not. To be told straight out -look...you think they are all hunky dory but there is a reason that he/she is with you. Marriage takes 150-150 and if they ran to another person then I guess that means they were not giving their 150. You don't know the whole situation..but to step away from him/her until things are settled with me is only the right thing to do.
Yes they need to be told..I guess many times they look at the partner of the person they are having the affair with as insignificant and always the bad one. Many times , and we see it in here, they find out WHY the marriage went bad !
Even if the letter is never sent, I know it always helps me to put it on paper.

JHS, I don't take anything you said as an attack. It's your opinion. And I respect opinions. Even if they don't agree with mine. What I want to make clear to anyone asking questions or making statements to a person involved with their spouse is...be sure you're prepared to deal with the answers that you will find. Is it worth it to get it off your chest and risk staying in a cycle of 'comfort pain' or is it best for you as an individual to just move forward and to forgive your spouse and co-parent your children? Everyone needs to think long and hard before making the decision to perpetuate more self hurt and blaming. I believe in writing therapy to help move healing along and to clarify one's thoughts and priorities. What I don't believe in is generalities about people, especially if you don't know them. Is it fair to judge a man/woman by what the cheating spouse is doing? Did they shckle tehm to theTime well spent is to look inward and find your own strengths and what you want for your own life. Not looking for someone to blame and take out your anger. What I would 'say' about assuming the OW/OM is horrible? I would say the same thing about the spouse writing the letter. I don't know them, how can I assume anything? Should I assume that the letter writing spouse is wonderful and never once brow beat, withheld affection, always spoke respectfully, never once spoke poorly of the spouse in front of the children, kept open communication, didn't physically abuse, managed finances perfectly, or never once had a bad action? Or the opposite of any of these traits? NO. Should I assume that the cheating spouse is just wayward and heartless with no moral compass? Assume that the cheating spouse didn't in any way pursue the OW? Assume they're not in love with each other? Assume that the cheating spouse wants to get back with the letter writing spouse? No one should assume or judge anyone, just deal with the facts and move on. Why create more drama.

Hey, wow65, I think we all here get your point. When somebody cheats, there's always something wrong with us, our spouse, or our relationship (usually more than one of them).

But the mythical, and oftentimes sage, "they" say, the therapy is in the writing. And I think they got it right.

If you suspect the OW doesn't know your spouse is married, there might actually be a point in sending such a letter. And you should want to hear what they have to say after reading it.

But if she does know, it's really writing therapy, because, IMHO, she is a horrible person; that's not an assumption. What do you say about the moral character of someone who knowingly plays around with a married person with kids? I say it's pretty bankrupt no matter how much of the "hots" is involved. And under that scenario, I'd add the "OW" to the list of things that might have caused the cheating and put a big black star on it to tag it as a certainty.

And, wow65, please don't take this as me attacking you or your opinion. I just wanted to toss my opinion into the fray because it does differ from yours. And that's what this site is all about, providing a "melting pot" of everybody's experiences, opinions, and advice.

What Deborah knows and is not saying is that her husband was like mine.. A serial cheater. It doesn't mean we did anything wrong or didn't do enough. They just cheat. It's in their nature. I never took my husband for granted. He was boring and coniving and a bit of a jerk. Years later he told me he married me because I could handle things and not fall apart. My marriage was doomed from the start because it was based on his lies.

I now know there were many women in his life. He did hide that part of his life very well. If there was fault with me he never said anything because that cleared his conscience to cheat.

I did find out about one many years ago and I did confront her. I tried to pull her out of a car window by her hair. I did get a GREAT deal of satisfaction from that. I had a month old baby at the time and she was my only friend in a very small town. It wasn't over the cheating. I was letting her know what she did to our friendship.

I don't blame the other women and I don't think Deborah does either. She was venting. Getting it out of her system. The man is the one who throws away his vows and did the persuing. Or allowed himself to be persued. How do we know what he is telling the other woman.

I know mine told them he was divorced. So I know what his intentions were from the start. He managed to erase any trace of me from his company. So when the women in the company checked his records he came up as single. So much of company records is outsourced now it's easy for a cheater to do what he does best. Cheat.

Why would you send the OW a letter?  Are you prepared to hear what she is thinking?  And why do you assume that she is this horrible person?  Look to yourself for answers about your marriage and don't blame others.  It's between you and your spouse.

This is what I told my father when my mother found out about the ow...I do not want to ever meet her because how could she see a man who said yes I am getting a divorce but I can see who ever I want.  Her right was to say,  when your divorce is final come back and see me with the papers!!!  Then we can talk.  That's what a decent women would do.  To me she is not to bright, has no respect for herself or her children and no respect for your wife and children.  Shame on you and shame on her.  I will not associate my family with this poor excuse for a women.

Ladies, these other women do not care who they hurt along the way.  They want what they want and will not stop until they get it.  They  are desperate, for what ever reasons they are!!!  They are not women like you, my mother or myself.  We are good women.  We do it all and yet the men in our lives still want more.  Men are wired differently and all I can say is try to communicate, always!!!  This is the key!!!!  This is what I am still trying to accomplish.  I have been with my husband for nine years and I still can not wrap myself around his poor communication skills.  We keep trying!!!

So my friends in conclusion, let the ow have them.  If your man was a train reck to begin with and it is not getting better, let the ow have him.  Believe me the ow will dump him soon enough or maybe they are the same...two train recks!!!!  Stay strong.  Get over the anger and think clearly.  You will move on faster once you see that I have done all that I can.  I can now move on.  I know you can all do it.  We are strong!!!

Good luck my fronds!!! : )

I ALSO WROTE TO THE OW. THE NAIVE PERSON THAT IAM THOUGHT MAYBE SHE DOESN'T KNOW HE IS MARRIED, I  SAID I WILL GIVE HER THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT..MY HUSBAND CAME HOME AND ASKED ME WHY I WROTE HER A LETTER AND PUT A PICTURE OF US IN IT..I SAID I WANTED HER TO KNOW THE TRUTH.A COUPLE WEEKS LATER I FOUND A E-MAIL CARD THAT HAD A PIC OF PENIS THAT WAS CHOPPED OFF ON  ATOMB STONE.SHE WROTE TO MY HUSBAND THAT IF HE STILL CONTINUES THAT IS WHAT HE IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE.WELL THE OW DID NOT CARE HE WAS MARRIED AND THEY KEPT DOING THER THING . (7 YEARS LATER)  WHEN WE WERE GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE (2005)SHE ACTUALLY HAD THE NERVE TO START HARRASSING ME VERBALLY ON MY CELL PHONE CALLING  ME NAMES AND STARTED MAILING ME THINGS. EVEN AFTER MY DIVORCE WAS FINALIZED.SHE DID THIS FOR 8 MONTHS AND I  KEPT PURSUING THE POLICE DEPT AND THEY FINALLY JUST ARRESTED HER FOR AGGRAVATED HARRASSMENT. CAN YOU BELIEVE THE NERVE OF HER.  SHE HAD ALREADY STABBED ME IN THE HEART AND NOW SHE WANTS ME TO BLEED SOME MORE??? SICK WOMEN. I ALSO HAVE A ORER OF PROTECTION AGAINST HER. I DON'T GET IT. SHE IS STILL WITH MEY EX TIL THIS DAY.ALL I CAN SAY IS IF HE CAN CHEAT ON HIS WIFE AND KIDS HE WILL DO THE SAME TO YOU. MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY SAY WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND!

My letter would read as follows:

Becky,

Thank you so much for taking Ken away from me.  I am so glad you chose to sleep with a married man and a father of four children he barely took the time to know.  I hope you and Ken can share the same life that he and I did in our marriage.  I hope you and he pay each other the same respect that you both paid to myself and my children.  I hope you don't mind that he is an alcoholic and buys drugs off the street.  He is also terrible with money but has obtained a perfection to lying (good luck with that).  You must be such as great mother as Ken has explained to me.  Having a live-in boyfriend and my husband on the side.  Wow, your girls must be proud of you and will follow grandly in your footsteps one day soon!  You have won the trophy, enjoy your time with him!

I would probably throw in some choice words every once and a while, but that would be the jist!

When I found the first love letter (yes, there were more) I kicked him out and texted the phone number that appeared on the phone bill no less than seventy times a day "You can have him, I don't want him."

Thankyou  Anne. I found out that I knew the other women and they both knew about me and our daughter from the very beginning.  They still chose to call him, to ask for his money and persued him no matter what. I didn't really know why they would have wanted him knowing that he did not want to leave his family for them. Maybe they only wanted a part-time man? Both women, while persuing him, left cell phone messages so that I could hear, knowing that it was on a business phone and I handled most of the calls.....and one woman even wrote him love letters, knowing that we were getting the mail.  I wanted to try and express my feelings here on my blog so that I can try and get over the hurt. I do realize that it takes two, but I still often wonder what it was that he was lacking from me.