Dear Wife 

I don't delete any messages except the ones that have only four letters.

I know I'm not going to make any friends here but here goes, up until recently I have been the other woman.  The relationship lasted for six years and we ended up having a child together.  Go ahead think of all the bad names and let me have it.  I'm not going to go into how we met or anything because it really doesn't matter. He had a job though that kept him from home almost 9 months out of the year so we would go sometimes and be with him up to a month at a time.  His wife found out 3 years ago and then the promises started. He promised he would leave over and over and over again.  (I know I won't get sympathy, not asking for it).  A while back everything came to a head and she found the "Secret Phone" and "Secret Email".  She then sent me emails and called me numerous times.  To the point of ridiculous. She wanted me to promise her I would never see him again. I said to her make your husband do that in which her response was that he had and I said well there you have it. But that was a big deal for her to make me promise and she would not stop calling until I did so, which I never did. I had to practically threaten legal action to get her to leave me alone.  He cheated for  six years and she's staying of course he's not going to leave either after trashing her to me and telling me intimate details about her that I won't repeat.  But I have finally, and it should not have took so long, said I'm done.  But I have to be honest, I didn't commit adultery.  HE DID.  He stood there and made a promise to her not me.  He lied to her for years, but in all this I'm the "Devil".  Give me a break.  I realize I was wrong, but I'm not the one who was married he was.  I'm not the one who had to sneak around and lie. I'm pretty much an open book and all my friends knew.  So in reality I think the letter should be to your husband he's the one that hurt you not her.  In my case he kept coming back to me not the other way around. So yes I'm stupid but he's the guilty party!

I hope u never have to feel what the wife is feeling. The other woman in my marriage made sure i saw her, and him together, made sure i knew who was in control and who wasn't. almost felt as if i was in some competetion with her for his love. But in the end i gave up and let her have him. But u know she didn't get anything special, infact she left him or he kicked her out. he did not treat her any better than he treated me. When u deliberelty hurt someone it always comes back to u, if u think your going to get ta nice life, its not going to happen. what u made happen for his wife will come back to u seven fold. just wait and see.

Wow.  Just when I think things can't get weirder I read your post.  My girls and I have received emails from the OW stating how much she loves MY husband and she wishes we would accept it.  She hopes the girls find it in their hearts someday to meet her because she cares so much about them.  She hopes that we can be friends.  Yeah right, in what universe?  She told me she understands how painful it is to live in a "marriage of convenience" because she did for 5 years.  I had no clue that I had a "marriage of convenience."  Were we having communication problems, yes, but we have been married 22 years.  There are always hills and valleys.  I thought we were in a valley.  Were we no longer having sex?  No, that part of the marriage was always good.  Did she know we were still having sex?  Of course not.

Everything came to a head last month.  She has e-mailed me 3 times and I was stupid enough to take the bait.  She is the most insecure person I have met.  She is constantly telling me how wonderful things are between them, when he tells me that things are rocky.  I finally called her and surprise, surprise, he's lied to her too!  Oh my!  But she's convinced he was lying to protect her.  Yeah right!  Good luck with that one B***h.

I got tired of the promises and the head games so I filed for a divorce to protect us financially.  At first I tried everything because I firmly believe in the covenant of marriage.  But then, when I realized I was the only one trying I had to set the example for my girls and show them once you have exhausted everything you no longer have to be a doormat.  This is not how a marriage is supposed to work.

So, S&S, keep fooling yourself.  Every one of you in this situation has issues that need to be dealt with.  Counseling has been a God send for me and my girls.  We are on our way to healing while they are decaying in their fantasy.  I feel sorry for you guys.  I hope you wake up one day and get the help that you need.

Aye,aye to "healy";s post. U didn't mean to hurt the wife? Then u should of NEVER,EVER have even gone to dinner, lunch breakfast..anything AT ALL w/a married man. Should of walked out the door imemdiately. Hello..I was th OW who left several times until finally after 4 years he was divorced. Gee why did I think he wouldn't do the same to me.Married 15, separated 4 yrs w/a 12 & 14 yr old .& u know...maybe my hubby's bimbo is finally giving up'cause yahoo...our divorce was dismissed last mth after 2 1/2 yrs on the court docs & now I hear she called the cops on my hubby to "stay away from her". So, u know what..give up & leave NOW! U think that's what God really intends is for u to wait for a married man to get divorced. Get a life!Now..let's see what life my hubby can fix!

I agree with all of the posts on here.  I will tell you how I feel.  I did pay the bills I found the bill that had over $900.00 worth of text messages on it.  My stbx told me that they were really good friends but that is is.  I chose not to see the truth because at the time I was not strong enough.  But I did not want my children to think that it was ok to be treated that way by someone who was suppose to love me.  I do not think that you are a bad person.  I just think that you are thinking only of yourself.  I can bet that on some level the wife probablly does know about you but like me is not ready to except it.  Some day hopefully she will get strong enough if not for herself then for her children.  I also know that you cannot always help your feelings but you can help your actions.  Until wife actually tells you to your bare face that she is ok with this you should back away.  If you are only in it for sex then you do not truely love this man.  Actually this man does not seem worth the bother from either of you.  Let him get a divorce from his wife and then see how it works out for you!   Like everyone else has already said he is lying to both of you.  My stbx told me they were and still says they are just friends.  He tells her that I am a fat, unattractive bitch and a shitty mother.  So cut out the middle man and instead of sending a chicken shit letter maybe you should talk to her face to face and really get how she feels out in the open.  If after that she is still ok with the arrangement then I wish the best for all three of you.  But I do not think she is ok with it.  So tell all of us, have you talked to her and how does she feel?

you have no idea, his wife is probably wondering what she can do to make hikm love her but now he wont even be able to try to be with her because he has a selfish OW I agree with the majority when I say as soon as the work married came out you should have had enough respect of marriage to walk away not take his calls and find a single man.  I don't want to go off on you but even thought you "get" a great man he is taken he is not yours he is hers give him back it will hurt you but who cares about your needs when you are ruining a marriage.

One word for you...disgusted.

You couldn't help being with him? What does he have a gun to your head? Are you unable to say no? Cause you know what...the people on this board all are doing what you are unable to. Having to walk away from someone they love very much.

I thought long and hard about even replying to this item. But it's the utter tripe of your remorse. I heard the same BS from my ex's OW. I never meant to hurt you, I just can't help being in love with him. Yes, you can. As soon as you found out he was married you should have walked away. Refused to take his calls, change your number whatever. But no, you chose to be selfish. Like she's not going to cry because her husband is fooling around on her, only if he leaves her?

If you didn't want to hurt this woman, don't sleep with her husband. Period.

Oh and if he did it to her, he's gonna do it to you. He had how many years with her, children with her? And he still did it. What makes you think he won't do it to you?

If you came onto this board for sympathy...you got it, but not the way you were hoping.

What is wrong with you is no small thing. You want some sort of compassion or understanding because you're "weak"?  Oh spare me.  Give up your whoring ways and go find an unmarried man.  Have you no shame?  Or honor?  Your parents must be very proud.

What is wrong with you is no small thing. You want some sort of compassion or understanding because you're "weak"?  Oh spare me.  Give up your whoring ways and go find an unmarried man.  Have you no shame?  Or honor?  Your parents must be very proud.

Fear is keeping her there, fear that she won't make it alone, but sooner or later, she'll have enough, and that usually happens when a mother notices her kids are suffering, it is out of the need to protect them she'll over come her fear!

I did!

My kids got ripped off of their fathers love and attention, then my oldest caught her father with the OW who was suppose to be a friend. Should I say she was also our backyard neighbor? See in my case, she knew things were strained between us, but she also KNEW I loved my husband. The thing is, no woman is OK with their husband cheating, because if it were a truely open relationship, she would have a lover too, but that isn't apparently what is happening here. Has his wife been a stay at home mom? Has she been out of the work force for years? Does she see her family and friends, or has this "wonderful" guy isolated her from them? You have no clue do you??? I knew something was up, but never had proof. My exs affair's before the neighbor went on because I couldn't prove it, and having been isolated and limited through mental and sometimes physical abuse, had no support from friends or family. Those who knew us thought I was crazy!! Don't try to justify what you are doing with a doe caught in the headlights sentiment here, you are not remorseful about it, just feeling guilty, but not enough to walk away. My kids pretty much do not have a father now, and that is his choice. They went through therepy, and our youngest had a nervous break down at 9 from all the stress and anxiety he and his girlfreind caused. She was diagnossed with early onset bipolar disorder due to it all. (She was already headed that way because of a chemical imbalance, but stressed caused it to happen sooner). Neither of my girls will ever look at relationships as they should in the begining. My oldest almost 15 is suspisous of everything men do, so she doesen't trust them! They are well ajusted in everything else, but seeing the behaviors and the cruelty of the OW all the time has made her bitter toward men. My youngest is hated by her, and beleive you me, his kids will NEVER accept you because you are a main factor in their father fooling around. Be smart, walk away!

Dear SmartNSexy - 

I feel very sad for you.  I counsel people who have suffered relationship trauma every day.  I believe that you have not internalized the pain you suffered through your own divorce and made it a part of your inner self.  This might explain why you would cause another person such deep pain. 

You might be aware that the person who was incested as a child may become the child molestor as an adult.  People who are hurt, hurt others as a way to try to relieve their pain. 

The answer for you is to incorporate your own past into your inner self.  Your blogs talk of religion, but not spirituality.  There is a great difference.    You are adept at rationalization but when faced with the consequences of your own actions you feel frightened and guilty. 

There is a deep unmet need within you to feel that you are special and unique.  I would guess that you felt a great wound to your psyche following the events that lead to your divorce. 

Divorce causes people to lose a great deal of their self esteem.  Once it is lost it takes time and effort to regain.  If we don't do the work to repair our self esteem, we can become victimizers who are trying to escape our pain through inflicting pain onto others.  

I would guess that you wrote on this forum for exactly those reasons.  You must have realized that these folks would be devastated by your remarks.  

Now that you are faced with the truth of your situation, maybe you will find the inner strength to seek counseling and heal your inner self.  You need to regain your self esteem so that you don't repeat this process again in your life, sentencing yourself to a lonely life of never being truly intimate or important to anyone.  

Read over some of my blogs.  Maybe you will find some help.  You can find me at:   http://holistic-counselor.blogspot.com/. 

I hope that you find yourself again.

You've got to be kidding me.   Pass the bucket...I need to puke too. 

What goes around comes around, honey.

I just went back and read your blogs.........You make me want to PUKE!

Hmmmm.......You want us to find out our 'strong reaction' to this............H.E.L.L.O. He is a MARRIED Man! How 'many' married men have you layed down and spread your legs open for??? You talk about us wishing is daughters 'go thru pain'....and WHO would be causing this pain? Do you care? My ? to you is, where are your morals and values? I know you have no character already! Your nic you chose says it all....only you aren't smart, it should be "dumbnsexy'...

Let him be in a sexual relationship with another woman....why does it have to be you? Why can't you stand up and say 'No I am not a homewreacker, I do not see married men?' You tell us not to put our values on this relationship....Someone must stand up for this because you sure do not know what values are! You may be a woman but are not a Lady at all!
You talk about the cell phone bill and the car...Are you proud of that? Last time I checked any man that paid a woman for sex is called a whore! Just because He tells you he didn't pay for it doesn't mean he doesn't...He is a liar and not to be believed! He has proven that....Like he says he doesn't have sex with his wife.............gimmie a break are you really that stupid to believe that???

I think you should tell her! Not in a letter.....Have the balls to go tell her face to face! You owe her that much!
You are nothing more than a cheap slut.............

I cannot believe that you have the nerve to post that message! There is nothing ok about a spouse cheating. If things have changed then try to fix it or get a divorce, don't cheat. In most cases there are children involved whose world will fall apart because of you! How could you have the audacity to think you could be a friend to the person whose world you helped rip apart? It takes 2 people to have an affair. Without you maybe he would have tried harder! Unfortunately marriage is seen as disposable these days. Try harder or get out.
You don't belong on this site.
I was the other woman when I met my husband, he didn't tell me for many months that he was married and by then I was hooked. Now 12 years later he has cheated on me too. I look at it as my pay back for his ex-wife getting hurt.. What goes around comes around, bad karma! I have 3 kids whose world has fallen apart thanks to the "other woman"

Every woman deserves a man who belongs to her alone.

You might not think you can find someone else, but if you stop cheating and try to be a decent person, it doesn't matter what you look like, you can find your own man.

Since my divorce, I have had several old friends who are married try it. One didn't tell me about the wife, and our chemistry on the first kiss was great. We didn't have sex, thankfully. HE told me he was falling in love with me. He said he didn't ask me out before since I was out of his league. After a few weeks he let it slip about the wife. I was furious. I don't care what their relationship is, they are married, so it's wrong. Why would he put me in this position? He is, unfortunately, not the only one who has done this. If they are planning to cheat they're probably lying about everything. Besides, I have no trouble meeting men. Why on earth would I want a married one?

It's so nice that you understand this man so well.  It sounds like he doesn't understand himself.  This is his problem.  Another person with boundary issues.  You feel guilty.  It's sort of like stealing someone's car and then sending them a letter that you are sorry.  Perhaps some counciling might help you to find out why you come off like a flower child.  I suppose you'd like to give the world a coke too.  You need counciling to find out why you cross over boundaries that don't concern you.  Let Mr. Sad guy make an informed decision.  People who have eating disorders can't pass a chocolate cake without going insane.  Drug addicts can't pass cocaine without going insane.  Why are you addicted to married guys?  This is antisocial behavior.  Oh, it's all about me.  I'm the one.  Both of you need counciling for boundary issues and addictions.  Hurting others because you have some "fantasy" about what life would be like in the "Fantasy World"  is just what it is "Fantasy".  I'd like to know how you are so sure about others and their motives.  This is dangerous think gal.  My ex ran away with someone's wife, the husband went after him.  Wow he got out of Dodge real fast.  And he never looked back.  He found out the reality of his fantasy.

You know what. Ignore my last sentence. That was wrong.

This post just was like pouring salt on the wounds although I shouldn't have verbally attacked you.

It's just that I don't understand why you'd think that this would be a good place to say the things you have said. One thing that cut really deep was that you stated that "shouldn't divorce over something as trivial as sex"....but you are missing the point. We are supposed to see your viewpoint, your side of things, and you aren't even making an attempt to see ours (the wives and husbands who have been cheated on)?

I am not leaving my husband because of the sex part of it. I am leaving him because he broke our vows of faithfulness(which we included because open marriage wasn't an option for us), he betrayed me, he put me and our family at risk, he spent money set aside for bills on dinners with these women, he heightened my risk of STD's, he shared things with her about me that I wouldn't have told this stranger otherwise...etc, etc, etc. So it's not the sex...it's everything in between.

I feel bad for this wife of your "boyfriend's" and although I don't know her, I can picture her face....it's mine! It's the face of a lot of us on divorce360 and so when we see your blogs, it makes us feel like you are our stbx's ow. And I don't think there are even one of us who wouldn't want to "confront" the person we think helped in destroying not only our lives but our futures!

 

I think that this will work out just as it is supposed to. And to be honest, I doubt this will work out the way you might want it. The cards are stacked against you.

 

I do believe that you are very wrong in this, especially knowing this woman beforehand...and I can guarantee she is not "fine" and good with it.

 

Regardless, you didn't intend to actually hurt me with this blog (hopefully) and I apologize for exposing my anger so rawly.

Oh my Lord! Look at what I missed this weekend...And to think, I missed all of this juicy stuff simply because I was packing up my house, all alone while having to explain to my 6 year old daughter that we have no choice but to leave.

You see? My husband cheated on me too. A ton of times, just like this poor wife you are "screwing"...and I am supposed to stay in this marriage because infidelity isn't as bad as divorce? Everytime I find out about yet another affair I literally begin to shake uncontrollably, my heart beats out my chest, I can't breathe...then I feel just another piece of my soul has chipped off. It's a toxic situation to have to deal with that off and on through a marriage. And you have to cut out the toxicity in your life if you want peace and happiness! And now, thank GOD! My beautiful daughter will know through my example that this behavior should not be tolerated!

The vows of marriage also states that through sickness and in health, forsaking all others....she was sick and lost her sex drive....now he must stay by her side and have random "dates" with Rosey Palm and her 5 sisters.....that's just how it is.

One other thing to add....my husband is infamous for going around town telling these women that he is married to a 200 pound woman who let herself go, is an alcoholic, depressed, never has sex with him..EVER, and is mean to him. Not to mention a non-existant mother. Imagine their surprise when they see a (not to be conceited) beautiful long brown hair, green eyed (often am stopped by strangers who say I resemble Angelina Jolie) artist, who has a very fun-loving and close relationship with her beautiful daugther, good job (better then husband's), very outgoing lady who on average has sex with her husband about twice a day. They can't believe it, because the STBX has the "gift of gab" and is a genius at his lies...

You are ignorant, stupid, pathetic, and those qualities are not at all conducive to being smart OR sexy!

Whoa... I just read your comment from 10/26/08, where you stated the following:"So go ahead girls, yell at me, a person who has nothing to do with your failed marriage if it makes you feel better."I'm not emotional about what you are doing at all. I'm a person on the outside, looking in - however, the above quote just demonstrates your arrogance.You created an account on a website where people such as myself, who are either going through or are recovering from a divorce, many times involving infidelity, and you posted your blog entries.  I am not sure why are lashing out at the reactions you have gotten - surely you must have known how repelling your blog entries would have been to this community, no?And in retort  - no you aren't "the" person who interfered in my marriage, but you are the TYPE of person who did.  You are the type of self-centered, arrogant individual who found a man in an unhappy marriage, and somehow convinced yourself that he's the victim, the wife is the bitch who made his life miserable, and you're the princess to his knight in shining armor.Here's the reality:You found a man who used as his justification to cheat on his wife the fact she has a medical condition.  Instead of this man balling up and doing something about his marriage, he's taken the coward's way out.  He fed you some bullshit about how he loves her and how they have a history and how he can't leave her - the truth about that part is, he doesn't want to pay for the divorce. He doesn't want the hassle of the divorce.  He doesn't give a shit about his wife or his kids, and he really doesn't give a shit about you. You're his girlfriend.  You have 0 self-esteem, to permit someone to make you a concubine. To permit someone to fill your head with crap so that you would go along with this sick and twisted charade.

Are you dating Tony Soprano, by any chance?  Because the Tony Soprano character had tons of girlfriends, but never left his wife.I'm not angry with you. I feel bad for you, to

Wow lady.  You got some balls to come to this kind of site with this post. Most of us on this site are trying to recover from our spouses cheating on us, and you're asking us for... I'm not entirely sure?  Approval?  /shrug

Your letter to the wife is arrogant, at best.  Please stop lying to yourself that you don't want him to leave his wife because you somehow care about her.  On some level, you realize he isn't Mr Wonderful. Ask yourself - if he really was so great, why don't you want him to leave his wife and be with you?  Why do you care about her so much?

Honestly, you sound like a very confused woman to me. You think you're doing the right thing by telling him not to leave his wife. You really believe the right thing to do is be the mistress to a married man.  You said it yourself in one of your comments - you dont want to get married, and he doesn't want to leave his wife. He loves her, but he needs sex.  And you're totally cool with providing that function for him.

You won't find approval for this kind of behavior on this site.

People I would for all of you to met smartnsexy  a S.F.K. This is not worth getting mad over a prime example how a person can be ruined by ignorance. No offence to you other ladies.

Yeah I agree this blog is a lost cause.  But I have to say something then I'm done with this bs.  I agree that when you are married you take vows and commit to one person, not two people - one!!  I believe adultry is a sin and that's in the bible to--look it up smartnsexy (which you are not either in this case!!).  You think he's tellin you the truth?  He's playing you for a fool lady and you don't know it yet because all you see is sex and lust in your eyes.  He's lying to her, then he's lying to you.  He's probably at home having mind blowing sex with her and then feeding you a sob story about how he's gets none at home - boo freakin' hoo!!  And you fall for it, because you don't realize that cheaters will always lie and once a cheat always a cheat!!  And you say he got you a rental car while your car was broken down--sounds like he's payin' for sex to me--that would be called a prostitute plain and simple.  Well you say all you have with him is just sex--well sounds like a street walker to me!!  Might as well stand of the corner lady and make some money doing it cuz he'll be dumping you soon enough when someone better stirs up the little head in his pants!!  KARMA IS A BITCH!!